Can't Go Home Again?
by spottedhorse
Summary: Sara left. Gil is alone in Vegas. Sara is also alone. But how really alone are they? Each finds their own way to happiness. Rating has changed. This gets very dark before there is light.
1. Chapter 1

Nick Stokes walked into the break room, happy to be back. After the upheaval of Sara's kidnapping and rescue and then departure and Warrick's subsequent meltdown, Nick had needed a break. He missed Sara, worried about his mentor and friend, Grissom; and then was scared by Warrick's dependency on drugs and the mayhem that followed. The whole team was falling apart as far as he could see. Feeling overwhelmed, he had requested two of his three weeks vacation and headed for his home in Texas. The two weeks ended yesterday and now he was back and ready to get to work.

"Hey Nick," Greg called to him as he walked into the room.

"Hey Greg. Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Not much has changed. Grissom is still cranky, Warrick has his good days and his bad days, and Catherine is still the glue holding us together."

"Grissom is still cranky? I thought he was beginning to come out of it."

"He was. He actually seemed better. Even went to breakfast with Catherine and me one morning. Brass made a wisecrack at a scene and Grissom actually laughed."

"So what happened?"

"Sara sent an official letter of resignation. Ecklie couldn't wait to show it to him. Threw him back into depression and he hasn't come out of it. He and Brass got into a shouting match the other day. Hadn't seen that in a long time."

"What about?"

"Well… it started over a piece of evidence but ended up being about Sara… or Gris and Sara. Brass told him to get off his ass and go find her 'cause he's making us all miserable."

"Wow. What did Gris say?"

"Nothing. He just stormed out."

"Damn…"

"So how was your vacation?"

"Okay. It proved the old saying though…"

"What old saying?"

"You can't go home again."

Greg eyed the older CSI, thinking about what he had just said. "Guess we're screwed then."

"What? Why?"

"You can't go home again…means Sara can't come back. And Grissom will still be a grouch."

As Nick thought about Greg's statement, he wondered if coming home to CSI would be any better than his reentry at his Texas home.

Gil Grissom walked into the room and spotted Nick. "Good to see you back, Nick."

"Ah…thanks."

"Good vacation?"

"Alright. Good to get away, good to be back."

Grissom's blue eyes studied his former pupil. Nick noticed that they were dull. Gone was the spark that usually shown there. Now they reflected pain. "Had enough of your parents already?"

"No…now, I love my family. But…it's true, you just can't go home again. Once you leave, things change and when you go back, it just isn't the same. You're not the same."

Nick saw the grimace that played on his mentor's face. He immediately regretted his comment. He knew that for Sara, Grissom had been home. And now, Grissom was waiting for her return. The thought that things would have changed too much was painful, Nick realized. And then Nick understood something he had not gotten before. Gil Grissom would wait the rest of his life for Sara to come home, because she was his home too.

Okay, can't believe I'm writing this. Well, yeah...maybe...since there will be some twists and turns in the whole GSR thing. Going to have to read and review to find out what they are though.


	2. Chapter 2

Waiting was exactly what Gil Grissom was doing. He went through the motions each day, eating sleeping, walking the dog, and of course there was his job. But through it all, he was waiting.

He waited for the infrequent post cards that said little. Then there were the even more infrequent phone calls. Just the sound of her voice warmed him and gave him hope. He never asked the question and she never offered an idea of when she might return. They never talked about it.

They did talk about the guys at the lab. Sara was always interested in how they were doing. She always wanted to know about Jim too. But she never asked about cases and he never talked about them. They talked about San Francisco too, just not about her reason for being there. They talked, just never about anything too personal or anything that might upset her. He was afraid that if he upset her, she wouldn't call again and he needed to hear her voice.

Catherine and Jim had backed off some and settled into a supportive friends kind of mode. Jim took him out for beers every so often and occasionally Catherine stopped by with take out. They would watch a movie or sometimes just sit quietly. He noticed that she took every opportunity to snoop. He acted offended but secretly he was amused. He knew what she was looking for…signs of Sara; clues to their relationship. He made a game of keeping her from the truth.

Besides, what she imagined was probably far more exciting than the truth. She would be disappointed to discover that no, Sara had never lived there. She did stay over a lot, just as he had stayed at her place on occasions. But they had each maintained their own space. Sara probably would have moved in if he had suggested it. But he was still too protective of his space and didn't want to totally relinquish control over it. Had she stayed to marry him like they planned, he would have been forced to relent and let her make some changes to reflect her tastes. One particularly low night, he tried to cheer himself with the thought that at least his space would remain _his_. Problem was, it was big and empty and lonely. Hank helped, but Hank wasn't as good as Sara.

He had always liked being alone. People in his space had bothered him. But having had two years of Sara around so much had gotten him used to someone else and now the place just felt empty all the time. At least it did until the Alvarez case…

He was at home, sick…the first sick time he'd taken in years. Ecklie had tried to call but he ignored the phone. But when Catherine called, he knew it was important. She had insisted that he go to the doctor and came by almost everyday to check on him. She knew how sick he was and wouldn't call without a good reason. So he answered the phone. Next thing he knew Maddie Klien was yapping at him…something about phoning it in.

He went over the scene using Catherine as his eyes. The team processed the scene and took the evidence back to the lab to begin working on it there. And Maddie Klien showed up at his door.

No sooner than he'd gotten home from the meeting with the Grand Jury, Jim Brass showed up. At first Gil was annoyed but he realized Jim was in pain. He felt responsible for Don Cook's death. Gil wondered how many more such burdens could the detective shoulder. He seemed to be at the breaking point that day. And as usual, Gil was clueless about how to respond. He hoped just being there to listen was enough.

Catherine stopped by in there somewhere too. As he thought about it, Gil decided it must have been between Maddie and his trip to court. _Yes, _he thought_. She came by and then I started getting dressed. _He smiled as he remembered the subtle sounds of her snooping. He had never felt so at ease with anyone as he did with Catherine; so many years together, he decided. When he walked back into the kitchen, she was holding the picture of him and Sara taken years ago. Catherine was wearing a mischievous look. He knew the 21 questions would begin and they did.

Of course, he never answered. Avoiding her questions and her probing for more was a game they had played for years covering many different subjects…a challenge of sorts for both of them. And so they played it again that day.

"Just how long have you and Sara been together?" she asked.

He didn't answer. Thinking back, he remembered saying something about her finishing her investigation and taking Hank for a pee. He smiled at the memory. She would eventually nudge it all out of him, but not before both of them had exhausted their moves and counter moves.

Jim had said once, several years ago, that they were like an old married couple…_what had he called it? Ah, a platonic marriage of sorts…. _Gil supposed their relationship was that, but it was more too. She was the sister he never had and she was his best friend…and when he was being really honest with himself, she held a part of his heart that would never be available to another. There had been a time when he had wished for a romantic relationship with Catherine. But all the twists and turns of their lives kept pushing that possibility aside and so he had given up on it.

Then Sara came along. He was immediately attracted to her but was wary of anything beyond the mentor/pupil relationship that eventually evolved into friendship. Her determination made him nervous at times. And she seemed to need him so much. He hadn't understood for a long time why she needed him…not until she had blown up at Catherine and Ecklie and been suspended. That day she opened up to him and let him see her at her most vulnerable. And he knew then why she needed him…and he needed to be needed. He wanted someone in his life, someone who wanted him.

Still, it took him months to say or do anything about it and even then he held back. He was afraid….afraid of how his life might change. He liked order…relationships were messy. He liked his space…someone else in his life would want in his space. His job was his life…a special someone would expect him to put her first. He didn't think he could change that much. But slowly, over time he did. And he had been happy…quietly ecstatic. And then along came Natalie and took all of that away and now he was alone again; but this time he was also lonely.

She had called after the Alvarez case. It was like she knew he needed to hear her voice. They talked and suddenly he felt better than he had felt in days. And then the call ended and he was alone again. And weeks later, he was still alone.

GRISSOMROCKSGRISSOMROCKSGRISSOMROCKS

Haven't gotten any reviews so far. If this chappie gets none too then I'll know I shouldn't be writing this.


	3. Chapter 3

Sara was alone too…and also feeling very lonely. She returned to San Francisco to meet her mother again. It had been years since she had seen the woman. After meeting with her, Sara decided that it should have been many more years. The woman, her mother, didn't want to talk about the past, didn't want to answer any of Sara's questions, and didn't even really want to see Sara. Her early years had been filled with violence but Sara had believed that her parents loved her. After meeting with her mother, Sara had her doubts even about that.

She began to question everything about her life, even her relationship with Grissom. It was just a dream, she told herself. He really didn't love her. He probably just felt sorry for her because she was so pathetic. Her mind spun and twisted until she could barley separate fantasy from reality. Her greatest fear was coming true; she was falling apart. But no, it wasn't her worst nightmare…at least _he_ wasn't there to see it happen. She clung to that thought; he would never see her in that condition.

She rarely went out during the day. Years of the graveyard shift still had her sleeping turned around and she found she preferred the darkness of night. So, late at night when almost everyone else slept, Sara Sidle went to the local Walmart to buy her food and other necessities. One night as she was meandering around the store, she met a woman who would become her friend. Sara was wandering through the office supplies, not really looking for anything, just looking. She stopped to look at the small peg wall of pens for no real reason other than they were there. The woman was filling the shelves with copy paper and saw her standing in front of the pens.

Smiling the woman spoke. "Can I help you find something?" she asked in a friendly voice.

Sara turned, a little startled. At the same instant, she realized how long it had been since she had heard a friendly voice and she craved more. "Oh…ah….not really. I was just…looking at the pens."

The woman tilted her head, her smile relaxing but not going away. Sara noticed that the woman's smile was in her eyes as well as on her mouth. It was genuine. "You okay?" the woman asked.

Sara nodded that she was, afraid to speak. No one had cared for months if she was okay but this woman seemed to really want to know.

"Okay, well…if I can help with anything, I'm right here," she said.

Sara nodded and turned back to the pens. The woman went back to work. Sara felt the other woman's eyes on her as she picked out a pen and moved down the aisle to find paper. She decided that she wanted to write Gil a letter; a better one than the one she left with Judy. After choosing a pad of paper, Sara pushed her cart around the corner, out of the woman's sight. She pushed it around the store awhile, pausing to look in different departments but not really seeing anything.

Finally she found herself back on the woman's aisle. She told herself that she needed envelopes but deep inside, she knew the truth. She wanted someone to smile at her; to hear a friendly voice, even if it belonged to a stranger.

The woman smiled at her and Sara found that she was feeling a little lighter. After selecting a box of envelopes, she looked around and couldn't find an excuse to stay. Sighing, she turned to head for the register.

The woman called to her, "I hope you have a good morning."

"Thank you," said Sara in a sad, tired tone. Wheeling her cart to the front of the store, she made her purchases and left. Back in her room that she was renting by the week, she pulled out the paper and pen to begin her letter. An hour later all she had managed was 'Dear Gil.'

The next night Sara returned to the store. She told herself that she needed a notebook to begin a journal. _Maybe if I start journaling I can understand some of this,_ she thought. She was standing in front of the notebooks when the woman turned the corner with a cart of boxes. Sara looked up as the woman smiled. "Back so soon?"

"Yeah," Sara shrugged. "I…needed a notebook."

"You know, I do that all the time. Even when I make a list, I get home and think of ten other things I should have gotten."

"Yeah," Sara attempted a smile. "That's what I did."

"Well, let me know if you need help with anything." The woman flashed another warm smile and then turned back to her work.

Sara found excuses to revisit the store for a week. She was disappointed on the fourth night when the woman wasn't there. Someone else was in the department. It was the same the next night. Discouraged, Sara almost didn't go back. But she decided to try one more time. And her effort was rewarded.

Sara warmed to her smile. "You work here every night?" she asked.

"No, I was off the last two nights. But when I am here, I almost always work this department."

"Is…is it hard work?" Sara was desperate to talk and struggling to find something to talk about.

"No, not really. I kind of like it right now…my previous job had a lot of stress and it wore me down. This is stress free, something I need right now."

"Oh. I can understand that."

The woman looked at her, her green eyes studying Sara with concern. There was a flicker as her stare softened. Sara felt as if she was under a magnifying glass and the woman had found the cracks in her soul. Yet somehow, it didn't disturb her.

"Look," said the woman," it's time for my lunch break. How about I snag you a cup of coffee and you join me on my break?" The woman was smiling as she asked and Sara believed her sincerity.

"Ah….yeah…sure." Sara replied.

"Okay, well…as you can see by my badge, my name is Paula."

"I'm Sara."

"Okay Sara. I have to go swipe out and grab my lunch bag. I'll get your coffee and meet you in garden center, okay?"

"Garden center?"

"Yeah, I eat there when I want a quiet place. It's great."

"Okay…"

The two women went separate ways and Sara was soon standing in the middle of the garden center. She didn't wait long before Paula showed up with the promised cup of coffee. She also handed Sara a little packet of creamer and also a couple of sugars. "Didn't know if you would want these or not…" Paula said.

They sat at one of the display tables and once Sara's coffee was like she liked it and Paula's lunch was unwrapped, they began to talk. They really didn't say much that was important but for Sara the conversation was very important. For the first time in months, another human being was spending time with her…and seemed to enjoy her company. She was sad when Paula's break was over.

"Hey Paula?" Sara said when the other woman stood up to go back to work. Paula smiled at her and as if she was reading Sara's mind she said, "Anytime you want to come have lunch, I'd enjoy the company. I won't be here on Tuesdays and Wednesdays though."

"Thanks," Sara smiled. "I'd enjoy the company too. See you tomorrow night?"

"I'm looking forward to it already," she answered as she walked away waving.

Sara leaned back in the chair, smiling inwardly. _I have a new friend,_ she thought. Then she tossed her coffee cup in the trash and headed for the door.

I'MBEING NICE TOSARAIREALLYAM BEINGNICE TO SARA

Yeah, I know...WalMart is kind of a wierd place to meet a new friend. But it was the only place I could think of that was benign in nature and was also open in the middle of the night. It just seemd to me that Sara would be a night owl.

Anyway, I do appreciate all the fanstastic responses and ideas offered in your reviews. I just can't take it in all the different directions that the reviewers have suggested. I have taken a couple of the ideas under advisement; but you'll just have to read to find out what I did with them. Oh...and please review. My fingers type faster when they are happy.


	4. Chapter 4

Gil's life was back to where it had been before Sara. It was all about the cases. He knew he was getting too old to keep working so many doubles, but he wouldn't let up. Catherine nagged at him sometimes. "This is how you got so sick, Gil. You can't keep doing this." That had been earlier in the shift. He had finally promised that he would go home after only one shift…tonight at least.

So he had gone home and was comfortably settled on his couch when there was a knock at the door. He was surprised to see Catherine on the other side. "You told me to go home and get some rest…now you are here?"

"Yeah…just checking up on you. Did you eat anything?"

"I did. I had some left over lasagna in the fridge. And I walked Hank and I even went to the potty all by myself, Mommy," he said sarcastically.

Catherine tilted her head and glared. _Uh oh…I went too far,_ he thought. _Now I'm going to get it…._

"Gil, I'm sorry. It's just that I am so worried about you. You aren't taking care of yourself and…and you are withdrawing from us. It's been ages since you went to breakfast with us and you hardly talk to us anymore…except about the cases, of course."

"Catherine, I…" he looked down, defeated.

"Look Gil, I've dumped my problems on you for years, including a very embarrassing whine about not having had sex for months. You've always been there, ready to listen when I need it…even to the point of offering to help when I whined about no sex. Let me be here to listen for you this time…not as nosy Catherine, the lab busy body, but your friend Catherine who can keep secrets."

Gil looked up at her, his eyebrows raised slightly. "You offering to have sex with me Catherine?" He managed to keep a straight face.

Catherine's eyes grew huge and she started to say something but quickly shut her mouth. Gil saw her mind at work but was unprepared for what came next.

She stepped closer to him, her hand reaching up to entangle itself in the curls just behind his ear and she leaned in very close to his lips, a 'take me now' expression on her face. In a low sultry voice she replied, "anytime, big boy. Just tell me when and…" her eyes travelled down his torso and then back to his eyes, "how," she drawled.

Gil felt his body's physical response deep in his groin. His moth was agape he knew and he had to tell himself to close it; never, in all their years had she teased with him like this…not this blatantly. Oh, there had been sexual innuendo from time to time but there had always been a line they didn't cross. This time she was in his face with it and touching him, sending fire through his veins, reawakening feelings he thought had died long ago.

"Finally he spoke…or rather croaked, "Catherine?"

"Ah come on Gil…you know you want it. You're just horny, that's all. Got used to gettin' some on a regular basis and now you've had to go months without…" she was smiling at him now, teasing him with a different tone. What's wrong, Little Gilly can't find a playmate?"

HIs eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Catherine grinned as his eyes widened in shock. She could see his mind working but wasn't too sure how he was responding, exactly. He didn't seem angry...more like thoughtful...and sad.

_She's right, I do want it…I miss the closeness, the feel of someone so close that it feels like we are one. I am alone and it is my own fault…can't seem to change…not enough anyway. If I took what Catherine is jokingly offering, I would just chase her away too…I can't lose her …I just can't._ He stepped back and stumbled into the couch, falling heavily into it, collapsing on the cushion.

Catherine was beside him in an instant. "Gil, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to….I just…I thought maybe some teasing might lift your mood. You are so dark these days…."

His expression when he looked at her took her breath away. She had never seen such sadness mixed with longing and despair on him before. He was reaching his emotional limits, she realized. And that scared her. She sat back, insure about what she should do.

Gil saw her reaction, her fear, and her withdrawal. It frightened him, sending panic through his nerves. _I am losing her. Why would she want to be my friend anymore? I've hardly paid her any attention for over a year and now I'm just this sad, tired old man._

She watched as he slid down into the couch, trying to disappear. He looked away, his eyes focused on the floor. He was breaking and she had to help him, she just had to. Their relationship had morphed several times over the years until she could no longer quite define it….more than friendship, more than the brother/sister phase….something so much more. He was the most important man in her life and had been for some time, yet they had never explored where that could go. And now she was losing him and she had to keep that from happening.

"Gil…please, talk to me. Let it out…tell me about Sara. Where you two were and where you hoped it would go. Tell me how things are now. Talk about it Gil, please?" Her hand was on his shoulder, gently rubbing, coaxing.

She felt him go limp, as if his bones had turned to jelly. She felt his energy drain from is body. Finally he spoke. He was so quiet that she had to strain to hear him. "We were going to get married."

Catherine was stunned. _Gil married? That's incredible._ "You asked her to marry you?"

"Yeah…and then the bee stung her. But she said yes…and….it just felt …right. I was happy, so happy and I thought she was too. And now…I've never felt so lonely… I miss her…so much." He was still staring at the floor. "She…took a part of me with her…"

"Yeah. Some of your best part, your heart."

Slowly Gil looked up at her. "Not…all of it. Only the part that I gave to her."

Catherine stared at him, trying to decipher his cryptic words. He was trying to tell her something but he wasn't ready to say it. It was so typically Gil that she wanted to smile. "I'm sorry that you are so lonely, Gil. You know, you do have friends that want to help you. I know we are poor substitutes, but maybe we can help you get through each day and then eventually maybe you won't feel so lonely anymore."

"I know…I just …I don't know how to…it's my nature to lock things away. It is who I am. I don't let people get too close."

"You think you're telling me something I don't already know? News flash buddy, I've known you too long to be surprised by that little revelation. But maybe you could open up a little, not so much to let others in, but to let a little of yourself out. Talk to us and let us know some of what you are thinking and feeling. Let us help you."

He studied her face, considering what she said. "I…I miss having someone so close. I …miss her touch. I miss having someone who cares when I get home."

Catherine couldn't believe what she was hearing. Gil Grissom, who didn't like being touched, missed it. But then Catherine thought of something else. He had tolerated, even welcomed her touch for years …even a hug from time to time. Maybe her touch was needed now. "Gil," she said as she settled back into the couch, "come over here."

He looked at her, unsure. "Cath?"

"Trust me, Gil."

He moved closer and as she held her arm opened he leaned into her for a hug. She held him close, stroking his back as she had stroked Lindsey's back when she was little. "It may not be the same, Gil…but you are loved. We love you; I love you. Hold onto that."

He took a deep breath, accepting what she said. He was loved, maybe not in the same way Sara had loved him, but it was still good. She reached for a pillow and put it in her lap and patted it. He slid down, his head on the pillow and her fingers gently played in his hair, relaxing him until he fell asleep. Catherine laid her head back against the couch and closed her eyes, dozing off. They remained that way for hours.

He woke first, disoriented. As the fog cleared from his brain, he realized whose lap his head was in. Her hand was still on his head; he could feel her fingers still in his hair. It was nice to wake up with someone but it also made him nervous. What would Catherine think about it? _What do I think about it?_

He didn't have to wait long. She woke up a few minutes later. He felt her hand lift from his head as she stretched and yawned. He sat up, not daring to look at her. Catherine watched him trying to understand what he was thinking...what he might be feeling. If he was upset or embarrassed, she didn't want to make it worse. But he just sat there on the end of the couch, not moving, not looking at her...just staring at the floor.

Finally she decided that she should probably leave. Setting the pillow that had held his head aside, she stood up. Gil tilted his head and looked sideways at her, trying to decipher her mood. _She seems okay...not upset_, he thought. "You want something to drink...or eat?" He asked so quietly that she almost didn't hear. And he still wouldn't look directly at her.

Clearing a place on the coffee table, she sat in front of him. She reached for and held his hands. _His hands are limp in my hands but at least he didn't pull away._ "Gil, you are my friend; special to me in so many ways. You'll always be my friend, no matter what. I know you are hurting. I don't want to make things worse, I just want to help. Please...let me help?"

"You are helping." Finally he looked at her; his blue eyes meeting hers. "I just don't know what that was earlier...when you teased me ... you know, the sex thing."

"It was just that, Gil. I was just trying to jog you out your mood. Okay?"

"Okay." He got up suddenly and headed down the steps to his kitchen. "I have some fruit, I think."

"No GIl, really...I need to get home to Lindsey. I just need to know you are okay."

He looked up at her. "I'm fine. You helped." She could hear the truth of his words in his tone of voice.

"Okay then...see you later." She grabbed her purse and let herself out.

Gil watched her leave and sighed. He was alone again.

SOFARSOGOOD?SOFARSOGOOD?

Keep those cards and letters coming folks...please.


	5. Chapter 5

Sara continued to meet Paula for 'lunch' two or three times a week until one day Paula suggested they have a real lunch together on her day off. They went to one of Paula's favorite places, a little bistro near the water.

Slowly they began to reveal personal things to one another. Sara discovered that Paula was a widow and had grown children. She had been a paramedic and a LPN before that. "When I was nursing, I worked in the children's cancer ward. It was difficult. We lost more than we could save. But the victories, they were glorious. I decided to become an EMT thinking that maybe I could make a difference in saving lives. But all the senseless destruction of human lives got to me. I mean, at least with the cancer, it was random, you know. No one was trying to hurt those kids. But some of the things I saw as an EMT…people so bent on destroying other people. Finally I couldn't take it anymore so I looked around for a job with no stress, no emergencies. So now I put stock on shelves at night. I bought an MP3 and listen to my favorite music, chat with some of my coworkers over the breaks, and am at peace."

After hearing Paula's story, Sara shared a little of her own. "I am…was a criminalist; crime scene investigator. I know what you mean by all the senseless destruction…it was starting to get to me too but I was dealing with it, you know? But then, a suspect in one of our investigations kidnapped me and left me in the desert to die. It…well, it changed me. I couldn't keep it together after that. I was trying and I guess no one saw how bad it was…how bad I was. And I was in denial. Then we had a case involving some suspects from a case several years back…. A young girl and her older brother. Anyway, the brother was being held for a murder she committed….he committed suicide. And something in me …I just had to make the girl feel it, understand what she had done to her brother. I wanted her to hurt. So I showed her a picture of him hanging in his cell. She lost it. And I didn't feel…anything. All that pain around me…and I just didn't care. I knew I had to get away from it, so I am here."

Sara had sensed that she would find some understanding with Paula and she was proven right. She didn't push Sara for more details or try to pry, but over the next few weeks, Sara slowly began to share more details of her life until Paula knew everything, even about Gil Grissom. He had been the last thing Sara shared with Paula.

"Wait, I don't understand, Sara. You were with the guy of your dreams, he had proposed, and you left him?"

"Yeah…I didn't want him to see me….you know, falling apart."

Paula sat silently for a minutes and then very quietly asked her, "honey, do you get anything about the wedding vows?"

"What?"

"The wedding vows…in sickness and in health…til death us do part….you know, the vows."

"Well, yeah. I mean we've all heard them recited."

"Yeah, but have you though about what they mean? Some people really don't, you know. They just want to shack up with somebody else and play at being married. But you and this Gil guy, it sounds genuine. And he asked you to marry him…do you think he understood what he was asking?"

"You mean the death us do part stuff?" Sara asked.

"Well, yeah…but more than that, all the stuff in between. That includes when one or the other is hurting and falling apart and needs help."

"Yeah, I think he does. I mean, Gil never does something without thinking it through."

"So, _he _understood. Do you?"

"I'm not following you."

"Sara, the guy loves you; he wants to marry you. You start melting down and you run away. You never gave him a chance to follow thorough on his commitment to you. You took something away from him. _You_ were afraid of how _you _would break down and he would see _you _do it. So _you _kissed himgood bye, left him a note because_ you_ were afraid that ifyou tried to talk to him_ you _would stay. And _you_ didn't want him to see _you_ like that. Notice how many 'yous' were in all that?"

Sara looked at her surprised. She hadn't expected her new friend to be so rough on her. She looked down at her hands in her lap as she thought about what Paula had just said to her.

Before she could structure a response, Paula continued. "And this ghostbuster idea of yours….your ghosts are in your head, Sara. You won't find them by haunting San Francisco. I can see wanting to come back and talk with your mother. But what else do you expect will happen? Your father won't miraculously rise from the dead like Lazarus and even if you do find your brother…do you really believe he has any answers? You are looking for reasonable explanations for unreasonable actions."

Sara looked up, startled. "Gil said something like that once…we were working a case…"

"Oh, smart man. I'm glad that he agrees with me." Paula's attitude was flippant. Seeing that Sara wasn't taking the bait, she continued. "Honey, you need to stop asking why all those bad things happened when you were a child and just accept that they did. Your mother won't talk to you about it and your father can't. Sometimes we just don't get to know why. The question for you is this; are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to explain the past or are you going to try to build a happy future?"

"I…don't want to be stuck in the past…"

"You are the only one who can unstick you, Sara. This Gil guy sounds to me like the real deal. I'd be willing to bet that he'd be willing to be there for you…help you. "

He already has…until this last stuff. It just….it was too much."

"Well, I won't hound you to death over this. Just think about what I said, okay?"

"Yeah….I will." Sara's head was already spinning.

That night she began to dial his number but closed her phone before completing the call. _What could I possibly say that he would want to hear? _So she sat with her pen and writing paper and tried once again to compose a letter.

_Dear Gil,_

_I still love you and I miss you so much that it hurts. There is a part of me that hopes you are missing me too; but then there is apart of me that hopes you have moved on. And there is a part of me that is afraid that you have reverted to your old ways, dodging more than the necessary contact with other humans. Please don't do that, Gil. Let your friends help. _

_I made a new friend here. Her name is Paula. We've talked a lot and I've told her everything. She says I took something away from you when I left. Funny, but I feel like I left something behind, my heart._

_After all these months and all my searching, I still feel like I am on the verge of cracking up. You helped me so much when I was falling apart before. Did I ever thank you for that? This time though, I really feel that if you see me falling apart then I will be destroyed. I couldn't bear to inflict that much pain on you. Paula says that I'm causing you pain no matter what and that if we were together, at least we would have someone with which to share the pain. But seeing your pain would be more than I could ever hope to recover from._

_I know I have asked this before, but please forgive me. _

_Love always, _

_Sara_

She read it and reread it then folded the paper and put it in an envelope. Once she had it addressed, she headed for the post office to mail the note.

ANOTHERNOTEANOTHERNOTEANOTHERNOTE

Input is always helpful;-) Please use the little buttons.


	6. Chapter 6

Gil Grissom walked into the crime lab after a grueling night at a murder scene. It had been a challenging night for him in several areas. He welcomed the mental challenge that this case presented but physically and emotionally, he was exhausted. The victim was a business partner of one of the city council members; consequently, there was all sorts of political pressure on the situation and the sheriff and Ecklie had been hounding him all night. He, Catherine, and Nick had painstakingly gone over the crime scene with Gil spending much of the time crawling around on his hands and knees, not something he did much of anymore. His knees ached, as did his back.

By the time he made it to the lab, all he wanted to do was secure the evidence and go home for a few hours of sleep. He knew he was too tired to think clearly and he needed a clear head. Moving through the hallway, he was met by the last person he wanted to see.

"Gil," called Conrad Ecklie. "Wait up."

Stopping in the hall to wait for the A.D, Grissom briefly lamented the fact that he could hear. Surgery a few years ago had corrected a progressive hearing loss that would certainly have left him unable to hear Ecklie today.

"Gil, how is the investigation going? What can we give the press?"

"Nothing, Conrad. I have nothing for you to give to the press. I have boxes of evidence that need to be processed before we can even begin to put the pieces together."

"But, the sheriff wants to release something to the press. What should I tell him?"

Grissom looked at the weasel and smirked. "Tell him you have nothing; because at this point that's what we have.

"Not good enough, Gil. I need something more."

Something inside Gil Grissom snapped in that moment. "Too bad. I said nothing and I meant _nothing_!" he shouted. Everyone in the lab stopped what they were doing. No one had ever heard Grissom shout like that.

Ecklie's eyes darted around the hallway to see who was listening. Deciding he didn't want to have this talk in the hall, he told Grissom that they should go to his office.

"I don't have time for your office, Conrad. I have evidence to process. Or have you forgotten? We wouldn't want to keep the sheriff waiting, would we?" Grissom's anger was obvious to everyone.

"My office, now!"

Gil stood in the hallway deciding if he would comply. Finally, he followed his boss. Once inside, Ecklie launched into a tirade about insubordination and how he'd given Grissom some slack because of everything that happened with Sara's kidnapping and how both of them should have been fired for their relationship, especially the one in authority, in this case Gil. Somewhere in there, Gil stopped listening. When the A.D. seemed to be winding down Grissom asked, "are you finished yet?"

Ecklie stood, studying the man across from him. Quietly he spoke again. "Gil, you are suspended."

"What?" Gil was shocked. "Why? No, don't answer that." He stared at his boss for a moment and then asked, "how long?"

"Indefinite. Look, I knew you were burning out last year but after you came back from your Sabbatical, I thought you were okay. But then everything happened with Sara and now you're not okay. You've been withdrawn, edgy, and I'm seeing signs of burnout again. Get some help, Gil. I know you like to go it on your own…but you need help. Take a couple of weeks at least, and get the help you need. Then come talk to me and we'll go from there."

Gil tightened his jaw and stared at Ecklie. "A couple of weeks," he said flatly. "What about the investigation?"

"Give it to Stokes. He's ready, don't you think?"

For the first time in the conversation, Ecklie was saying something Gil could agree with. "Yeah, he is…more than ready. But he'll need your support, Conrad…not you breathing down his back every step of the way."

"Right."

Gil left Ecklie's office and walked to his own quickly. He collected some journals and other items to take with him and then closed and locked his door. He found Nick in Trace and pulled him into the break room to fill him in. "It's your case, Nick. The biggest of your career so far…your chance to build your own reputation. Good luck."

"Thanks…but Gris, I wish it wasn't like this. I mean, I think I'm ready but…"

"It's okay, Nick. Maybe Ecklie's right…maybe I need a break."

"Yeah, but not like this…"

"Just….be smarter than me, placate Conrad. This could make your career. If it does, then it'll be worth it to me."

Gil walked out without speaking to anyone else.

He wasn't surprised when Catherine showed up at his door at the end of the shift.

"What happened?" she asked after he let her in.

He walked past her and down to the kitchen. "I was just pouring some juice. Want some?"

"Thanks….so what happened?"

Gil shrugged. "Ecklie and I had a disagreement. I have a couple of weeks off."

"Gil?"

He looked at blankly as he handed her a glass of juice. "Catherine."

She sighed. "Okay…I'll back off."

"So how's Nick doing with the case?"

"Like you thought he would. Your influence is showing, he's analyzing and following through on the details."

"Better with the politics than me though, I hope?"

"So far Ecklie hasn't been too hard on him." She sipped her juice, studying his expression. "So…you yelled at Conrad, huh?" she grinned.

"Yeah."

"Feel good?"

A smile threatened at the corners of his mouth as he looked at her. "Oh yeah."

"You okay then?"

"I'm okay. Thanks though."

"For what?"

Gil gazed at her, remembering all the times she'd had his back over the years; all the times she'd been there for him. "For being my right arm, as well as my left," he smiled at the old joke. "And for being here now."

"Gil, you are coming back, aren't you…to the lab, I mean?"

"I don't know, Cath. I…things are changing for me right now. I'm feeling a little off balance…" he thought of another time he had said he was losing his balance. "I have some thinking to do."

They chatted a little longer. Gil was distracted and Catherine decided he really did need some time to think. "Well I'm tired," she said. "If you really are okay, I think I'll head home."

He nodded. "I'm fine."

"But you'll call if you need anything, right?"

"You're first on my speed dial," he smirked. "And Cath, thanks…I mean it. You are one of the few things in my life right now that I am sure of."

"We've been through too much for me to abandon you now."

"As Thomas Aquinas said, 'There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship."

"That's my Gil, a quote for all occasions"

He smiled as she turned to leave. "Hey Cath?"

She stopped at the door to look back at him.

"Breakfast tomorrow?"

"It's a date," she smiled and then left.

THINKINGTHINKINGTHINKINGTHINKING

Input please. Good? Bad? Love to read yur comments!


	7. Chapter 7

Sara wanted to call him, wanted to hear his voice. But as she sat at the coffee house, browsing the internet for Vegas news, she saw an article about the high profile murder. The body was discovered during the graveyard shift, so Gil would be working it. She knew these kinds of cases stressed him because of all the political pressure, so she decided to wait to call. She didn't want to add to the stress in Gil's life.

In the meantime, she began looking for a job. Following Paula's example she looked for something low stress. An ad in the paper caught her eye and she called about it. The manager of the shop had time that afternoon for an interview, so Sara rushed back to her room and changed into an interview outfit and headed to the shop.

Upon her arrival the manager, Jenna Ware, handed her an application. Sara began filling it out but was stumped with the reference section. Who could she use? She was fairly certain Paula wouldn't mind so she wrote in her information. _Gotta remember to tell her about this though._ Beyond that, she was stuck. She had no other friends or even serious acquaintances here. _Vegas references? But who. Not Gil…that would hurt him, but then if I use someone else and he finds out…that will hurt him too. Can't use Ecklie, he'd say bad things. Catherine or maybe Jim? Nick. I'll use Nick. But I have to e-mail him and tell him. And I'll e-mail Gil too, so he won't be caught by surprise. I'll explain that I needed a work reference, not a personal one. That should do it, I think. _

Once she had finished filling out the paper she handed it to Jenna, who read through it quickly. They sat at the back of the shop in Jenna's office. "Well, Miss Sidle…or may I call you Sara?"

"Sara's fine."

"You have an impressive job history. But I take it you have left the forensics field?"

"Yes, I have. It is very stressful and after awhile it just became too much.

Jenna, who looked to be in her late forties Sara reckoned, smiled sadly at her. "I can only imagine, but I would think that the constant exposure to the dark side of life would eventually wear down even the strongest souls."

Sara nodded but said nothing, waiting for the woman to move on.

"Well as you can see, we like to deal with the brighter side here. It is a children's store and although we do carry some baby items and clothes, we lean toward the educational toys. One reason is that they move quicker; the clothes tend to turnover at a slower pace, tying up my inventory. But the toys turnover almost biweekly, freeing inventory so that we can restock favorites and try out new things too. You would be doing some of everything; clerking, customer service, cleaning, receiving, stocking, and occasionally meeting the vendors. This is normally where I stop and ask if you think you could handle all of it, but considering your previous job, I'm sure you can. But I do have to ask this, Sara. Do you enjoy children?"

Sara thought for a moment. Honesty was required, she decided. "I've never been around them much except when I was a child, of course. I feel a little awkward with them but I find them interesting too. The way they see things…you know, straight forward and so brutally honest at times…that intrigues me."

"Fair enough," the other woman smiled. "And yes, they can be brutally honest at times. One other task I had in mind for this position and one I think you are well qualified to perform is this; every Saturday, I want to have a little workshop for the children. They would be centered around some of our items, hoping that little Susie or Johnny will convince Mom to but them after the workshop. I have a clerk who is wonderful with the puppets and with storytelling but I have been looking for someone to do science with them. We carry several kits and individual items. It would be your responsibility to come up with a little presentation based on those things. Think that sounds interesting?"

"Science experiments?"

"And some nature study…"

"That sounds like…fun." Sara was smiling. _Playing in a lab…well, not really a lab, but still just having fun with it…no one's life hanging in the balance, no dark secrets revealed…just for fun. _"It would be great."

"All right then. Let me check your references and then I'll give you a call. You understand that since it does involve children, I have to be very careful about references?"

"I do…and I am glad you are so careful. I've seen too many cases where someone wasn't careful. And if you need more…"

"I call you if I do, but these should be adequate."

They ended the interview and Sara walked happily out of the shop. For the first time in months she felt good, really good.

_Meanwhile in Vegas…._

Gil was returning from walking Hank and checked his mailbox. Once inside the door, he let Hank off the leash and turned his attention to the mail in his hand. _Bill, bill, junk, new journal, trash, _then he froze as he saw the handwriting o the next envelope. _A letter from Sara? _Slowly he put the other mail down and sat on his couch, staring at the envelope. Unhurriedly he opened it, his hands shaking a little and his heart pounding in his chest. Pulling the paper from inside, he read:

_Dear Gil,_

_I still love you and I miss you so much that it hurts. There is a part of me that hopes you are missing me too; but then there is apart of me that hopes you have moved on. And there is a part of me that is afraid that you have reverted to your old ways, dodging more than the necessary contact with other humans. Please don't do that, Gil. Let your friends help. _

_I made a new friend here. Her name is Paula. We've talked a lot and I've told her everything. She says I took something away from you when I left. Funny, but I feel like I left something behind, my heart._

_After all these months and all my searching, I still feel like I am on the verge of cracking up. You helped me so much when I was falling apart before. Did I ever thank you for that? This time though, I really feel that if you see me falling apart then I will be destroyed. I couldn't bear to inflict that much pain on you. Paula says that I'm causing you pain no matter what and that if we were together, at least we would have someone with which to share the pain. But seeing your pain would be more than I could ever hope to recover from._

_I know I have asked this before, but please forgive me. _

_Love always, _

_Sara_

He folded the paper and put it back in the envelope and sighed. She wasn't any happier…any better. And still she didn't want him; she missed him, but he wasn't allowed to be there for her. Him seeing her meltdown in some way frightened her. He understood that; no one likes to be vulnerable in front of others. He certainly didn't. But now she was doing to him what he had done to her for so many years, reeling him in and then casting him out. He smirked at the irony and then took the letter to his bedroom and placed it in his nightstand with her other letter.

At the crime lab, Nick received a phone call. "Stokes…"

"Hey Nicky," her quiet voice sent a charge through the phone.

"Sara?"

"Yeah, it's me. How are you?"

"I'm fine but what about you? Gris won't say much other than that you are visiting San Francisco"

"Same ole Gil, huh?" They both chuckled. "I'm…getting better, I think. Look, I know you are working, probably busy so I'll get to the reason for my call…I interviewed for a job today and I used you as a reference. I hope that is okay?"

"Well…sure. But wouldn't Gris be a better one?"

"Using him…well, I couldn't decide if he would be a personal or professional reference. The waters are just too murky there, you know?"

"Yeah…yeah, I get it. But have you told him?"

"No…But I will. I suppose he's working that big case with the councilman's partner though and I don't want to disturb him."

"Sara…Gris was suspended. I've got that case. He…well, maybe you should talk to him."

"Suspended? For how long?" Her shock was evident.

"Well, it happened a couple of days ago. And I don't know how long it is for, nobody does, not even Catherine. He turned the case over to me and left and no one has heard from him since. Well, except Catherine. She has breakfast with him just to check on him. He's been…well, he hasn't been good since you left, Sara. It seemed like he was coming out of it but then…I dunno. It's Grissom, you know…hard to read him."

"Yeah. Okay. Well, you sure you don't mind giving me a good reference? It's at a kid's store, by the way."

"No, I don't mind…happy to. But Sara? A kid's store?"

"Yeah, I know. Thought I'd try something new. Wish me luck, Nicky."

"Of course…all kinds of good luck. And Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Call me again sometime…just to talk. You can tell me about your new job."

"I'll do that, I promise."

Nick closed his phone, smiling. _She sounded pretty good._ Then Hodges walked in with an analysis on a piece of evidence and his mind turned back to his work.

WHATNEXT?WHATNEXT?WHATNEXT?

Still good? Do I have you wondering where this is going? Good...'cause I'm wonsering too, lol. Really though, I do have an idea...we'll just have to see if it goes where I intend it to go. Reviews, comments, etc. are always appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

As was becoming their custom, Catherine showed up at Gil's door the following morning for breakfast. He looked tired. _He was better yesterday._

"I decided to do muffins instead of an omelet. Is that okay?" he asked.

"Sounds great," she said as she descended the stairs to his kitchen. She poured the juice as he pulled the muffins from the oven. "Your timing was perfect," he grinned as he examined his work. "They are just right."

Catherine smiled. _Trust Gil to translate his lab skills to the kitchen_, although she supposed there were many similarities to begin with. They ate in silence, Gil picking over his muffin, deep in thought. Finally with his head still angled towards his plate, his eyes looked up to her. "I heard from Sara," he said in a whisper.

"You did?" Catherine decided to take his lead, let him control the flow. She knew if she pressed too hard he would clam up. And she wanted to know what was bothering him.

"Yeah…a letter. I'm beginning to hate letters." He sat, staring at his plate a moment and they looked up again. "She…misses me."

"Of course she does…"

"She said she loves me but…" The silence was heavy in the room.

"But what Gil?" Her tone was gentle, caring.

"She still doesn't want me..."

Catherine's hand covered his. "She doesn't want you to see her hurting so much, Gil. She knows it will hurt you."

"Yeah…that's what she said. But…doesn't she know that it hurts anyway?"

"I think so…but she's…well, she just can't be thinking straight. Why don't you just go to her? Use this time off to …well, find out first hand how she is doing."

"She doesn't want me to. She wants me to move on. She said it in her letter. And I'm trying; I've been trying…I got involved in work like I used to do. It's too much though. I'll burn out too at that pace. But I don't know what else to do. I'm doing my study on the bees, but not much is happening there. Other than that…."

"So find a new hobby, something totally different…something un-Grissomlike. Make it a challenge."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. It's hard to picture you doing anything that's not chasing bugs. But there has to be something else you are interested in."

"Maybe you are right. I just have to think about it…another interest."

Catherine could see the wheels turning in his mind. He was indeed, thinking about a new hobby. If nothing else, it would give him something else to think about, something besides Sara.

Catherine left about an hour later and Gil called Hank for another walk. Just as the leash was clicked into place, his cell rang. "Grissom."

"Hey, it's Nick."

"Hey Nick. How's the case?"

"It's going okay. Sure miss having you here though," the younger CSI said. "But that's not why I am calling."

"Oh…so then why?"

"I um…got a call from Sara."

"Sara called you?" His stomach began to churn.

"Yeah…she needed a reference for a job…she wanted to use me because she said she couldn't decided if you were a personal or professional reference. I just thought…well, I felt like I should tell you."

"Yeah, well…it was Sara's decision to make. It….it's okay, Nicky. How did she sound?"

"Better than I would have thought. Still not herself…but, well….I guess that'll take awhile.

"Have they called about her yet?"

"No."

"Do me a favor and get as much information about this place as you can, okay?"

"Well, sure. But why?"

"Please Nick…just do it?"

"Consider it done, boss. I'll let you know as soon as I hear from them."

"Thanks Nick."

It was late in the afternoon when he stood on her doorstep. He hadn't called and quietly hoped that she would be receptive to his visit, if she was at home at all. He knocked and after a moment heard footsteps approaching the door from the other side.

She leaned around the big door as she opened it, surprise momentarily registering on her face. "Grissom." She said in her luxurious voice. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"May I come in?" he asked, smiling.

She stepped back, opening the door wider to allow his entry. She was dressed plainly, more so than he had ever seen her. She wore jeans and a softly woven blue sweater that complimented her complexion. She looked comfortable. But then, she always seemed to be comfortable wearing anything…or nothing. "I um…need a friend. I hoped you would be one."

"I believe that I am. Didn't you tell me as much the last time we saw one another?"

"Yes, but…it's been awhile."

"Time means nothing between true friends," she smiled as she led him into the parlor.

"Heather…I need to talk to someone; someone who isn't a co-worker; someone who I can trust to be discreet."

She nodded. "Would you like some tea?"

He smiled. "Tea would be…lovely. Thank you."

Over tea, he began to fill her in on the details of his life; Sara, her kidnapping, the outing of their relationship, and her departure. She stopped him at that point and asked how he was handling all of it.

"I…" he paused wondering how to define his feelings. "When she was kidnapped and she was out in the desert for so long, it frightened me more than anything else ever has. I was so afraid that we wouldn't find her in time…and we almost didn't. I took a few days off and then went back to work, but she was all I cared about. I just felt so fortunate that she was still with me. Working the same shift and having a relationship is against departmental policy, which is why we hid it in the first place. But once we were found out, they had to put us on different shifts. I had said I would change, but she said she wanted to see more daylight. So she went to Swing. Looking back, that was a mistake. If she had stayed on Grave, she would have been surrounded by friends; they would have taken care of her. There were a couple of cases that really pulled her down; that's when she left. It was so sudden. I knew she was having a tough time I didn't realize how bad it was though. I should have. She walked up to me in the hall at the lab and kissed me, and then disappeared from my life. It was days before she would answer her phone."

"But she did answer?"

"Yes, said she was visiting her mother, trying to bury the ghosts from her past. I wanted to go there, see her…help her if I could. But she said no; she didn't want me. And so we talk occasionally, but never about anything really important. And then I got a letter…"

"So are you angry with her… for leaving, I mean?"

"Angry?" He sat staring at his teacup. "I…it wouldn't be fair to be angry at her. She's already so hurt."

"I didn't ask what is fair. I asked what you feel."

"I want her to be happy."

"Grissom…Gil, you are avoiding my question."

"I…love her. How can….one shouldn't be angry at someone they love."

"This isn't should and shouldn't; this is what is real, not what is ideal."

Again he stared at the cup, swirling the last bit of tea around the edge at the bottom. "Then, yes…I suppose I am feeling anger, among other things. I risked everything to be with her and then she left. And she didn't even talk to me about it, she just left."

"That's honest."

"I was lost, confused. And everyone had advice or wanted to console me."

"Too much attention."

He looked up at her. She knew him too well. "Yes, it was. I just wanted to hide but they wouldn't let me, especially Jim and Catherine. They were worried."

"And you didn't like that?"

"No, I didn't. But then…I did. I'm grateful for their friendship. Jim acts like my big brother…taking me for a beer and letting me cry in it, metaphorically of course. And Catherine…she seems to think she is my mother now; checks on me everyday. But I find I look forward to her visits."

"Ah, Captain Brass, I'm certain his handling of you is subtle."

Gil smiled as he looked at her amused expression. "Anything but…"

"And Catherine; what do you think of her attentions?"

"She's my friend, a very good one. And to be honest, until Sara, I never really knew what it was to be lonely. She…helps with that."

"So is it that Sara is gone or that you are alone that has you so…confused?"

Gil picked up his spoon and began to trace circles in the tablecloth. He had been struggling with that issue and still wasn't clear. "I don't know," he finally answered.

"There is something you are not telling me."

"Sara…we had a relationship almost ten years ago, although a short one. We kept in touch, but at the time I really wasn't interested in anything permanent and so when I left San Francisco, I believed it was over. Oh, we kept in touch but I thought we were just friends…colleagues. I asked her to come to Vegas to investigate another CSI's role in the death of a rookie. She did and then she stayed."

"How did you fell about that?"

"I was glad. She was very good at her job and would be an asset to the lab. And we were still friends."

"But?"

"I didn't realize how deep her feelings for me were. And I did still feel something for her but I didn't want it to go any further. She kept trying though, not giving up until one night I had to just …be blunt."

"So then how did you come together?"

"There were some cases that made me think about getting older, dying alone…and then my mother died and I though even more about it. And…there was one case in particular, the victim looked like Sara. Later, we were working one together when a mental patient held a homemade knife to her throat. I knew then that I loved her. Eventually, I found the courage to do something about it. And we had two happy years together. And then she was kidnapped."

"You said she sent you a letter; what did it say?"

"That she misses me, loves me, and hopes I have moved on. She said she still feels like she is …cracking up and that if I were there, it would destroy her."

"Perhaps you should do what she has suggested." Heather was watching her friend with concern. His sadness was profuse and she was worried.

"I'm trying but …"

"Have you thought of a new interest? Perhaps something new would occupy your mind with more pleasant thoughts."

"Catherine suggested that too, just this morning. I just can't think of anything…"

"I've always admired Catherine. She is a smart woman and I like her attitude. I've never had many women friends, but in other circumstances I would welcome her friendship. You are lucky to have her…as a friend. That is all it is, isn't it? Between you, I mean…just friendship?"

Gil wondered what she was getting at. "We've been friends for a long time…years."

"Never more?"

He froze as he looked at her. "Why do you ask?"

"The way you speak of her…say her name; it implies more."

She noted his sudden discomfort as he adjusted his posture in the chair. "I uh…never thought about it."

"What of Captain Brass?"

"Jim? What about him?"

"What is _his _relationship with her?"

"They are friends." Gil was looking even more uncomfortable.

"Just friends? Are you sure? After all, _you _kept your relationship a secret, why couldn't they?"

"But…" he couldn't sit anymore. He stood next to the window, staring out. "But they…"

"…Would be well suited for one another, don't you think?"

"What? Why?"

"They understand one another; have lived in the same world. You, on the other hand, don't really understand where she is coming from at times, do you?"

"Sometimes…but…." He shrugged. "What has that to do with Sara? What do I do about her?"

"There doesn't seem to be anything you can do about her at the moment. You said yourself that she has told you not to follow her. Perhaps it would be best if you did something about yourself."

"But without someone to share things with, it all just seems so pointless."

"Then you should have someone with whom you can share things."

"Who?"

"The answer is obvious but one which you must arrive at on your own."

Gil tried to ask her more but she refused to elaborate. Finally, he decided it was time to leave. Standing at her door, he turned to her. "You know, there was a time when I thought maybe you and I..."

"As did I...hoped for it really, more than believed it. But our jobs got in the way. Besides, I had many lovers in my lifetime, but few true friends, Gil. I value your friendship above most of the other relationships in my life."

"As I value yours..." Then he said good bye and left.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Hmmm...that didn't go where i thought it would. Oh well, these things do write themselves sometimes. Guess I need to get to work and see where we go from here. Reviews fuel the fire.


	9. Chapter 9

Early the next morning, Nick's phone rang. It was the call he had expected inquiring about Sara. He answered the woman's questions and managed to get the name of her shop, her name, and a phone number. Once the call ended, he was able to use his information to also obtain the address of the shop. Then he called Grissom to fill him in.

Grissom wrote down all the information, thanked Nick and hung up his phone. He sat staring at the paper for a minute of two, took a deep breath, and dialed the phone number. Once he completed his call, a satisfied sigh escaped him. He called Hank, attached his leash, and they went out for a walk.

A few hours later, Sara's phone rang. "Sidle," she answered.

"Sara, this is Jenna Ware. I have checked you references and am wondering if you could come back for a few minutes this afternoon so that we can discuss pay, benefits, and other matters?"

"Yes, of course. What time would you like me there?"

"Would 1:00 be agreeable?"

"That would be fine. And thank you, Jenna."

"I'll look for you at 1:00 then…"

Sara closed her phone, feeling more excited about something than she had felt in months…years it seemed. She had a new job, one that didn't involve dead people.

She and Paula had an early lunch to celebrate. "I feel so…I don't know…wanted?" Sara told her new friend.

"New jobs are exciting, aren't they? And you'll get to use some of your knowledge for fun. I am excited for you, Sara."

"I'm excited for me too," Sara said happily, almost giggling. _If only….no don't even think it._

Paula saw the momentary regret that crossed her face. "Too bad _he_ isn't here to share in the excitement."

Sara turned solemn. "I don't think he would understand. Besides, it doesn't do any good to think about that. I pretty well burned that bridge and even if I didn't, I can't go back to that world; it will crush me."

Sara went to her follow-up interview/orientation. Jenna greeted her and they walked to her office. "It seems Mr. Stokes shared your interest in this job with some of your former co-workers," she said. "I've been fielding calls all morning from them calling on your behalf. I must say that I am impressed by the support you received from your former co-workers."

"Oh?" Sara said nervously.

"Yes, I received a call from a Ms. Willows, who said you worked with and for her at the lab and that she believed you would be an excellent addition to our staff. Then a Captain Brass called full of praise. And a Dr. Grissom called. He couldn't say enough on your behalf. I believe he told me he had been your Supervisor. Oh…and a Mr. Eckles…or Inkly, something like that called…the Assistant Director of the lab? He also gave you a generous recommendation."

Sara was astounded. "Conrad Ecklie gave me a recommendation?"

"Yes, does that surprise you?"

"Well, it surprised me that he took the time to call. The lab is in the middle of a huge investigation and I'm sure he is very busy." Sara didn't want to blow it by getting into the many battles with Ecklie.

The two women sat in Jenna's office, going over the pay arrangements and the benefits for which Sara would be eligible. "We're small," explained Jenna, "and not able to provide the package that larger companies do…or that you enjoyed with your lab, I'm sure. But we try to be sure that your basic needs are covered. As for the salary, you will be reviewed in three months and then be eligible for a small raise. After that, we review and give raises annually. Does this all sound agreeable?"

"Yes, yes it does," said Sara confidently.

"Then I am happy to offer you a position on our team. Are you available to start on Monday?"

"Monday would be great," Sara said, smiling.

Jenna stood, indicating the end of the interview. "Then I will see you at nine o'clock on Monday. We'll have some paperwork to complete and a short training. Then I'll let you shadow Elise, who works on Mondays and learn from her."

"Thank you, Jenna. I will see you Monday morning."

Sara walked out of the shop smiling. She wouldn't be making anywhere near the salary she had earned before, but that was fine with her. She could live off of what she would be earning and she could breathe too.

As she made her way back to her room, she thought about all the calls from Vegas that morning. _Who instigated that, _she wondered_. Or did they each just decide to call on their own after Nicky shared the information? Either way, they all reached across the miles to lend their support…even Gil…especially Gil. That must have hurt him deeply; calling to help me get a job that he knows will keep me here. Maybe he does still care…of course he does. He loves you enough to do everything he can to make you happy. _It was a bittersweet thought, which somehow made her feel even higher.

Sara had Gil to thank for all the calls, actually. After returning from his walk with Hank he called Catherine, Jim and Ecklie. Catherine and Jim had been happy to jump on board and promised to make their calls immediately. Ecklie had taken some convincing. But Gil had appealed to his better nature, what little of it there was to appeal to, and in the end Conrad agreed to call. It was one of the few times in his life that Gil Grissom kissed ass to get what he wanted.

The Ware woman had sounded pleasant enough on the phone. Gil was careful not to mention their personal relationship, but kept his comments professional, listing all of Sara's better qualities and qualifications in the lab. As the call ended, he wondered if he had overdone it.

"If she is so highly qualified, I don't understand why she isn't still at the lab," the woman had said.

Gil stumbled into a brief explanation about how high the burnout rate is among CSIs and that Sara had had a string of disturbing cases that led to hers. "And if you are concerned that she will want to return in a few months, please don't be," he added. "It is rare that someone returns after a burnout. You get to the point you just can't face it anymore and you are done. The job at your shop sounds like a perfect fit between her knowledge and skills and your requirements. I'm sure you'll be pleased with her performance and that she will be happy in the job."

Gil made another call later that morning. There was a small troupe of Thespians who did a Shakespeare in the Park series every Spring. Gil loved Shakespeare and had always been fascinated with theater. He thought he could perhaps volunteer in some capacity. Their performances were on Sunday afternoons, so he would be free to participate. The group was just going into rehearsals, he was told.

"Can you be there this Saturday?" asked the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, I'll be there," Gil promised.

Gil closed his phone, satisfied that he had found his new hobby.

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Comments? Throwing tomatoes? Lol. Let me know what you think:-)


	10. Chapter 10

Sara was excited about her new job but the conversation with Nick bothered her. He had told her that Gil hadn't done well since she had left and now he had been suspended. She knew that she had become very important to him, but his job was a part of who he was and so she agonized over whether or not to call him. She had sent him an e-mail about her job and the reference issue but she sent it to his work e-mail address. If he wasn't there, he might not have even read it. But he knew something about it because he had called on her behalf.

After tossing and turning all night over it, she decided to call him. After all, they did still talk from time to time. Relieved when he picked up, she said, "Gil?"

"Hi," he said quietly.

"Hey, it's me…"

She heard him snicker into the phone. "Yeah…you."

"I…um…well, I called to thank you."

"To thank me for what?"

"Jenna told me you called her to give a recommendation. I..it means a lot to me that you did that."

"Did you get the job?" She could here eagerness in his voice, excitement almost.

"Yeah, I did. Seems Catherine and Brass and even Ecklie called too."

"Really?"

Something in his short answer clued her in. "You got them to call, didn't you?"

"I just told Cath and Jim about it and they wanted to help. Ecklie…"

"What did you have to do to get him to do it?"

"Well, let's just say I owe him a favor and leave it at that."

"Gil…I don't want you owing him anything," she said in a firm but happy voice.

"Sara, you sound better than you have sounded in months. It is worth whatever Ecklie asks me to do just to hear you sound happy again."

"But…"

"It's done, Sara; leave it."

"Well, thank you."

"You are welcome." He was smiling at the sound of her voice. It wasn't just what it did for him to hear her, but that she sounded so much better. "So you think you'll like this job? You have never been comfortable around children."

"I think I will. And children are okay; I just never knew how to talk to them. But this will give me something to talk to them about and I get to do experiments…hey, maybe sometime you can tell me a bug thing to do with them."

"Okay, I'll think about a good 'bug thing' as you called it and get back to you."

She sighed into the phone. "How's Hank?"

"He misses you."

"I miss him. And Nick said you got suspended?" She hoped he wouldn't shut down and end the call with her question.

There was a long pause before he answered. "Yeah, I yelled at Ecklie and one thing led to another…"

"_You_ yelled?"

"I can do it…I just don't very often. It really doesn't help matters when I yell…just wastes energy."

"So did it feel good to yell at Ecklie?"

"Not really. I, um…got your letter."

"Oh."

"I miss you too. And I'm trying not to go back to my old ways…and you don't need to thank me for helping you, I wish I could do more to help you now. And Sara…"

"Yeah?"

"There is nothing to forgive." He spoke very quietly, almost in a whisper.

"You and I both know that's not true." Sadness had returned to her voice.

Gil took a deep breath. He didn't want to travel down that road, didn't want to get into how much she had hurt him, how much she was hurting. He wanted her to be happy again. "You have a new friend?"

Brightening again, Sara told him about Paula. He listened quietly, wishing he was the one there for her but also grateful that at least someone was there. Finally the talk wound down and they said good bye. He sat staring at the phone for a few minutes before realizing that they hadn't talked so much about themselves since she left, but he still had no idea if she was coming back, ever.

Saturday came and Gil went to meet the theater group. They rehearsed at a community theater and would move outside for the dress rehearsal. He met several members of the staff, some of the actors, and the director. A stagehand showed him small tasks he could do to help as the actors came and went for their scenes. He really enjoyed watching the backstage activity and also took pleasure in watching the words come to life.

The little troupe was doing "Taming of the Shrew," and Gil laughed at some of the lines as if hearing them for the first time. At one point the actor playing Baptista stumbled over his lines and Gil, without thinking, prompted him. The director noticed it. He also noticed a few minutes later when the actress playing Katherine forgot her line and Gil fed it to her. As the little troupe went through the lines, Gil prompted them several times until everyone had eventually noticed. During a break the actor playing Petruchio, Bill Garner, walked over to talk with Gil. "You ever done theater before," he asked casually.

"No, never." Gil had questions of his own but Petruchio keep digging for information from Gil.

"You look familiar. I know you from somewhere. But really, I came over because …well, you seem to know _all _the lines for _all_ the characters. How do you do that?"

"I have to remember a lot of small details for my job. I've always had a good memory but I used to learn lines as a way of enhancing the gift. I like Shakespeare, so I learned his plays." Gil shrugged as if it were no big thing.

"Wait, are you telling me that you know all the lines from all of his plays?"

"Well, no…not all of them."

"So how many?"

"I've never counted." Gil was uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation. He really wanted to ask more questions about the theater group. But Bill pressed for more.

"So which plays?"

"Which plays, what?" Gil asked.

"Which ones do you know?"

"Oh…well, Hamlet, of course. Macbeth, Othello, King Lear, Henry VIII, most of Richard II…I never finished learning it and never started Richard III. Then let's see…As You Like It, Tempest, Taming of the Shrew, Much Ado About Nothing, and Merchant of Venice. I started learning Two Gentlemen of Verona but decided to learn sonnets instead."

"Wow. I struggle to learn just my lines for one play a season and you have all of those in your head?"

"Memory is a gift. I'm sure there are things that you do that I would find difficult."

"Yeah…but …you should be in one of the plays."

"Me? No….not me. I don't…"

"You should. You'd be great. Instead of struggling so hard to get the lines straight, you'd be able to concentrate on making them come to life." That said, Bill turned and headed for the director.

Gil saw the two talking and he wished he could disappear. He didn't want to be _in_ the play. Soon the break was over and Gil kept his mouth shut through the next act. A couple of times the actors stumbled over their lines but Gil kept his head low and didn't offer a prompt. Finally he heard Bill calling to him. "Gil…Gil," he said softly. "My line…what is my line?"

"Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains:" Gil started.

"Ah…" said Bill.

"Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains  
I know you think to dine with me to-day,  
And have prepared great store of wedding cheer;  
But so it is, my haste doth call me hence,  
And therefore here I mean to take my leave."

Gil continued to watch and resigned himself to the role of prompter. But he was determined that prompting was the closest he would get to acting. By the end of the rehearsal, he was excited about being a part of the little troupe. He enjoyed the breaks where they would stand around talking and a couple of times two of the actors began quoting from various plays. What amused Gil was the way they would steal lines from different scripts to advance the conversation. Finally one of them turned to Gil, throwing him a line from Twelfth Night, "Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em."

To which Gil replied with lines from Henry VIII, "So farewell—to the little good you bear me. Farewell? a long farewell to all my greatness!  
This is the state of man: to-day he puts forth  
The tender leaves of hopes, to-morrow blossoms,  
And bears his blushing honors thick upon him;  
The third day comes a frost, a killing frost,  
And when he thinks, good easy man, full surely  
His greatness is a-ripening, nips his root,  
And then he falls as I do."

The cast members that were standing there all laughed, one of them teasing the one that had thrown Gil the line, "hey Don, you've met your match…"

By the end of the rehearsal, Gil was feeling very much a part of the group. He explained that his job might prevent him from being at all the rehearsals but that he would do his best.

"But you'll be backstage for the plays, right?" asked Bill.

"Yeah, Sundays are rarely a problem…"

"Great, because I have a feeling I'll need you," Bill laughed.

Gil left the theater feeling lighter and happier than he had felt in a long time. Catherine and Heather had given him good advice. He was enjoying his new hobby.

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I do appreciate all the wonderful reviews and constructive comments. Please keep them coming!


	11. Chapter 11

Monday morning came and Sara was prompt in her arrival at the shop. After filling out her tax forms and a form for insurance, Sara was introduced to Elise. The young woman looked to be in her twenties, had dark hair and hazel eyes that seemed to smile all the time.

Elise showed her the POS system on the computer that serves as the cash register. Later in the morning, they received a shipment and Sara was shown how to process it., entering the new items in the inventory on the computer and then pricing them and stocking the shelves. It was a busy morning with all of the tasks and helping customers.

None of it was particularly challenging but they stayed very busy. Sara enjoyed the relaxed, friendly atmosphere. The pace slowed in the afternoon with fewer customers and Sara took advantage of the time to browse the shelves and learn about the various items that were for sale. Studying the various science toys, ideas began to form in her mind for the demonstrations she would give. Five o'clock came quickly, surprising her.

She was so excited about her first day and how comfortable it all felt. Paula was sleeping she knew, but she wanted to tell someone about her day…share her excitement. Then she remembered Nick asking her to call and tell him about her new job. _But he might be sleeping too…_ Finally she decided to risk waking him and called.

"Hey Sara," he said in a sleepy voice.

"Oh, I'm sorry Nick. I was afraid I might wake you up. I just…well, today was my first day and I wanted to share it with someone and you had said for me to let you know how it went, so I…"

"No, hey…its okay, Sara. It was time for me to wake up anyway and I do want to hear about your first day. So…was it good?"

"She could envision his smile through the telephone and somehow it made her feel like her intrusion into his sleep was a welcome one. "It was very good…" she began and then she continued, telling him about her day.

Nick listened. She sounded good, he thought…better than she had since before the kidnapping. He heard her winding down. "So you haven't killed ay kids yet?" he asked, chuckling.

"No, and I haven't locked them in the car either," she replied, referring to a joke from several years back.

They talked a few more minutes as Nick filled her in on Warrick and his progress. He told her about Catherine over-reacting on a case and a suspect catching up with her in the parking lot.

"She's alright, isn't she?" Sara asked. "He didn't hurt her did he?"

Nick regretted mentioning the episode and assured her that Catherine was fine.

"Nick, how is he?"

"You mean Grissom? He's okay, I think. He's seemed a little …not happier, but more relaxed the last few days. He misses you, Sara. We all do."

"I…appreciate that. And I am sorry I left the way I did. I just had to get away."

"Yeah…hey, did I tell you about Hodges' new game?"

"Hodges has a new game?" She asked, grateful for the change of subject.

"Yeah…" and Nick went into an explanation of the game, sharing the stories of him murdering off all the lab rats.

Sara laughed at the imagery. "Hey, does he still have a thing for Wendy?"

"Oh yeah…and I think maybe she's coming around."

They chatted for a few more minutes and then said good bye. "And thanks, Nick. You're a good friend."

"Anytime Sara. You know I'm here if you need me, right?"

"Yeah, I do."

After she hung up, she pulled out her laptop. Opening her e-mail, she found one from Gil.

_Dear Sara,_

_Good luck on your first day. I'll be thinking about you."_

_Gil_

She smiled as she read it. But then she was struck by his closing, or lack of it. Usually he said love, or all my love. But today he simply used his name. Something was changing and it made a hole in the pit of her stomach as she realized it.

Gil showed up to rehearsal that night. The same people were there that he had met Saturday and all seemed pleased to see him back. There was one other addition to the group. Bill introduced him to Elizabeth McDuffie, who was the business manager for the small group.

"Gil Grissom?" she repeated his name after Bill had introduced them. "Wait, I know…you are the ah…you work for the police department. I've seen you on the news."

"I'm a criminalist, forensics scientist. And yes, I work for the police department." He was nervous about the reminder of his job; he didn't want this to have anything to do with his job.

"Yeah, I remember now…you solved that miniature killer case. That was pretty twisted."

"Yes, it was," he replied. He sensed that she read his discomfort because she tilted her head and eyed him carefully. A frown creased her brow and he knew she was remembering more details of the case, which made him even more uncomfortable, shifting his weight and preparing to back away.

"It must have been very difficult for you." She let the statement hang in the air a moment before quickly changing the subject. "How do you like working with our little band of would be actors?"

"I'm enjoying it. Everyone has been very friendly."

She smirked at his comment. "I'll bet. I imagine Cindy and Rachel have been especially friendly. They are always on the lookout for fresh meat." She chuckled as she noticed his confusion. "What, they haven't attacked you yet? That must be a record."

"Perhaps I'm not their type," he smiled awkwardly. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with her.

He studied her face and thought how her vibrant auburn hair seemed to be in contrast with the serenity he saw in the foggy depths of her grey blue eyes. _A man could lose himself in those eyes, _he thought.

Changing again, she asked him if he had ever done theater before. Her eyes bore into his, signaling sincere interest. Gil was nervous about what that interest might be. _Does she consider me to be fresh meat too? _"Ah, no. I've read Shakespeare, even learned some of the plays; but I have never been around theater before…except in the audience, of course."

"Well," she said as she glanced over at Bill and a couple of others that were standing next to the coffee pot, "we're all amateurs here; just in it for the fun. It's a quirky group…all normal, sane, responsible citizens by day and then we come here for rehearsal and turn into these other people…characters from the plays. I hope you aren't put off by our craziness."

Gil smiled at Elizabeth. "This isn't crazy. I have a young CSI who works for me that sticks pens up his nose and dances in the hallway wearing a bejeweled wig and a lab tech that follows me around trying to impress me all the time, who has invented a board game based on our jobs. Our coroner plays air guitar over dead bodies and sings in a rock band, performing at retirement homes on his nights off. Two of my other CSIs are always in competition, betting against each other on cases…and I don't mean small bets either. A police captain I work with got shot awhile back and got a tattoo on the scar to remember it by. And I play with tarantulas and race cock roaches. The most stable person on our team used to be an exotic dancer and is now being driven crazy by a teen age daughter."

She grinned at his description of his team. "And you all do those things to cope with insanity of the things you deal with in your jobs, right?" Her expression was intense and knowing.

He nodded, surprised by her insight. "And what do you do in your 'real life?" he inquired.

"I own a club. Perhaps you have heard of it…The Stable?"

"Isn't that over on Industrial? The one with the male dancers?"

"That's the one," she smiled.

Gil had heard of it. He'd overheard a conversation between some of the female lab rats and Judy, the receptionist. Apparently the women had enjoyed various evenings at the club, watching the male dancers. He remembered Mandy saying that there was one dancer that was 'so I hot when he jiggled his stuff' that she slipped a twenty in his thong. He eyes Elizabeth curiously. She didn't seem like a club owner; but he had learned over the years that things were seldom what they seemed.

She smirked as she watched his reaction. It always amused her to see people react to her choice of businesses. "You should come by some night…" she offered.

"AH…no. Um, that's not…I mean, well…I'm not really …well, into clubs."

She chuckled at his distress. "Bring a lady friend. I promise the rest of your night would get very exciting." Her eyes travelled the length of his body before returning to his face. Then she licked her lips, sending sparks through Gil. "Women really enjoy the dancers and usually leave hungry…if you know what I mean."

Gil shifted his weight and cleared his throat. He didn't trust himself to say anything at first and then for a reason beyond his understanding, he blurted out, "I'm between lady friends right now…"

"Well, you could meet lots of new friends at the club. You would be…"

"Yeah, yeah…I know; fresh meat."

"Well, I was going to say 'surprised."

"Surprised?"

"Yes. I'm always intrigued to see normally sane, reserved women turn into maniacs every night."

"If…" he swallowed. "If I came in one night, would you let me but you a drink?"

Her eyes locked onto his as a small grin crept across her face. "We'll let the club buy the drinks." Perusing his form again, she leaned over and gently but sensually, kissed his cheek. She placed her hand over his heart briefly and then turned and walked away.

He smiled as she walked away from him. _Damn, her ass is almost as nice as Catherine's,_ he thought as he watched her go.

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Sorry about the delay. What can I say? Life happens. Hope you find the wait worthwhile. Please read and review. I'm always interested to hear what you are thinking:-)


	12. Chapter 12

They stood over the body of a dead child. It was the second one in as many months. No longer suspended, Gil glanced across at Jim, who looked like he'd been kicked in the stomach. Then his eyes made their way to Catherine and saw the pain so plainly etched on her face. This one was even worse than the last. No one said anything._ What do you say in the face of something like this,_ he asked himself. Slowly he bent to one knee and leaned over the body. "Caucasian boy, about four maybe. Coroner will have to determine COD." He grimaced as he studied the body. "More like 'what didn't kill him." He heard a whimper from Catherine and then she turned and almost ran back to the Denali.

Gil and Jim exchanged looks and a silent pact was reached. Rising from beside the boy, Gil followed Catherine to the truck. "Catherine?" he inquired with a voice full of the concern that he felt.

She was sitting behind the wheel, her hands gripping it tightly. "It's just…so horrible," she sighed. "Anytime there are children….but this was so brutal."

Gil watched her anguish, wondering what he could say or do to help. Finally he reached over and touched her arm. Surprised, Catherine looked at his hand and then his face. His blue eyes reflected the sorrow that she felt and for the first time in ages, she felt the old connection between them. He was coming back to them. "I'm okay," she said finally. "I just needed to step away for a few…"

"Yeah." He glanced back to where the boy was still lying. "This is a tough one."

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and stepped out. "Guess we need to get back to it."

They worked the scene in quiet communication and accord. Gil investigated area around the body while Catherine took the surrounding area. Al Robbins came to examine the body. "I'll need to make a more thorough examination at the morgue but I'd say the COD is multiple blunt force traumas."

Gil noted footprints around the body and also an odd piece of fabric that didn't match the vic' s clothing. Catherine also found foot prints and tire tracks. An odd stain on the grass caught her eye. _Not what I would expect in a park… _She swabbed it and began packing up her kit. "I think I've found everything there is to find," she called to Gil.

He nodded as he stood up. "Me too. Let's get this evidence back to the lab and see what we can do with it."

Back at the lab, Catherine had Hodges go to work on the swabs. Gil asked Wendy if she wanted in on some of the evidence analysis and put her to work on the foot impressions they had lifted. Greg went to work on the tire impressions.

"Al won't do the autopsy for a few more hours. Let's go grab a bite to eat," Gil said to Catherine. "It's going to be a long one."

Seated at the diner, Catherine smiled at her friend and co worker of many years. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing. You just seem …I dunno, more like yourself."

"Yeah," he sighed. "I…um…well, thank you."

"For what?"

She could see his mind at work, trying to find the right words. He tilted his head and then looked at her; looked straight into her eyes, no masks, no deception, just Gil. "Being a friend these past few months…a good friend."

"Hey, I think I owe you a few…or maybe a few thousand," she grinned.

"I'm not keeping score. I'm just glad that you are a part of my life."

She covered his hand with hers. "The feeling is mutual, Gil."

A catch in her voice made him look up from their hands to her eyes where something flickered briefly and then was gone. He tilted his head as he tried to understand what he saw, but he couldn't quite grasp it.

"Anyway, I was hoping you would let me cook you dinner this weekend…you know, as a thank you."

Catherine was touched by the hopefulness she heard in his voice. He really was finding his way back. "I'd love it. Let me know when and what to bring."

He smiled his gentle warm smile that shone more in his eyes than on his mouth. "Good."

They ate in comfortable silence, a gift of many years of shared meals. Once they were finished and the bill was paid, they headed back to the lab to tackle the case once again.

The evidence they had collected, combined with a tip from a woman who lived near the park, led them to a car that was owned by a woman who lived two blocks away. Jim interviewed her and dismissed her as a suspect because she was at work the night the little boy died. Her teenaged son however, was home and had access to the car.

Jim brought the boy in for questioning while Nick and Greg went over the car. As Jim circled the teenager questioning him, traces of the little boy's blood were found in the backseat. As Jim zeroed in on the suspect, Greg lifted a hair sample from the carpet on the floor. It too was a match to the victim. Nick found evidence of others in the car, not related to the suspect. When Jim questioned the boy about it, he broke and supplied the names of three of his friends that had been with him that night.

Gil and Catherine sat in Jim's office, all three sharing in the bottle of Scotch that the detective kept in his desk drawer. It had been a depressing case.

"I'm just frustrated," Catherine admitted. "That poor little boy, beaten to death because some teenagers were looking for some thrills."

"Well, the son of a bitch did say that they didn't mean to kill him," Jim responded.

"Yeah, but they deserve a long jail sentence. As it is, they'll spend a few years in Juvie and then be out," sighed Catherine.

Gil swirled the Scotch around in his glass, watching in move in circles, and was struck by the futility of it. "One life that ended way too soon and four other lives destroyed because some kids had nothing better to do on a Friday night…"

Jim eyed his friend with concern. Gil had nearly burned out a year and a half before but had seemed to come back fro his Sabbatical refreshed. Jim was alarmed that burnout might still be a concern. "You two gonna be okay?" he asked in a fatherly tone.

Catherine shrugged and Gil glanced over at her. "Hey Jim…I'm cooking Saturday night, want to join us?"

Jim glanced at Catherine, catching the look she flashed at Grissom. As usual, his friend was clueless. It was obvious to Jim that Catherine wanted Gil to herself that night. "Ah thanks, but I'm scheduled to work so I'd better pass. You guys want another drink?" Jim reached for the bottle to pour himself a short one.

Gil shook his head, "not me. I'm meeting someone for a drink later, so I should lay off."

Catherine shot him a sideways glance and Jim smirked. He wasn't quite sure what was going on with the two of them, but he wondered if maybe their 'platonic marriage' was about to undergo some changes.

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Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter. As always, they motivated me. I think the button is still sown there somewhere...


	13. Chapter 13

It was Paula's night off and Sara had invited her to dinner. Paula wanted to hear all about Sara's new job, so she listened as Sara rambled on and on, excited. Smiling Paula commented as Sara wound down. "You really are happy with this, aren't you?"

"I am," smiled Sara. "Happier than I have felt in a long time…and the nightmares are fading." Sara had told Paula about he nightmares she had suffered since the kidnapping. When she first had arrived in San Francisco, they were frequent enough that Sara feared trying to sleep. "But this last week, I only had one," she concluded.

"That's great, Sara. And what does _he_ think about your new job?""

"I..um, don't know. I called him and we talked and things sounded kind of okay. But then I got an e-mail wishing me luck on my first day and…" Sara's voice trailed off as she remembered the how he had just signed it with his name.

"And what?"

"And…he closed with Gil…just his name. Usually it's love, Gil …or all my love, or _something, _but_ …" _Sara sighed. "This just felt…distant."

"Well, you did say you want him to move on…"

"Yeah, but…it makes me sad to think he's really doing it."

"So you expected him to wait for you or something?"

Sara thought about her question and sat in contemplation for a moment. "I guess….part of me hoped he would…you know?"

"Yeah. I do. But Sara, think what all this sounds like to him. You have a new job here and to him it sounds like you are very happy and have put Vegas behind you. He's probably moving on because he feels like he has to. And…if you _are_ making a new life here, then he should….shouldn't he?"

Sara stared at something her plate. "I just…he…" she sighed again. "I just miss him so much. Sometimes at night, I ache I want him so much…it's not just sexual, it's..well, I just ache in my soul."

"Well, you said you can't go back to Vegas; although I don't understand that….it is just a city. But you want him and he's there. Have you asked him to come here?"

"I can't ask him to give up his career there. He loves what he does and the team, they are like his family. I can't ask him to give that up. Besides, seeing him will just remind me…"

"And you don't want reminders?"

"I can't handle reminders," drawled Sara. "They pull me down."

"Then you have to let him go, Sara; for your sake and for his sake."

"Yeah…I….well, I'm still paying rent on my apartment. I still have stuff there. I guess I should go back to take care of that. Maybe I….maybe I'll talk with him then."

"Oh, that's great. Talk to him about whether or not this is good bye while you are packing up the rest of your stuff to head back here. Talk about mixed signals…. Sara, you'll rip the guy up with that."

"But then…so what do I do?"

"Call him….talk with him, honestly and straightforward. See what he has to say. If nothing else, give him a chance to say his piece."

"But…I'm afraid of what he will say. He has to be angry with me."

"Just call him. If he's angry, he's angry. But maybe he's not…maybe there is still something left for you two."

"I'll think about it." And Sara did think about it. After Paula left, she dialed his number.

"Grissom," his disembodied voice sounded over her phone.

"Gil? It's me."

"Sara? Hi." She could hear his voice soften. "I thought …well, I didn't look at the ID. How are you?"

She thought he sounded happy to hear her voice. "I'm …okay, I guess."

"You like your new job?"

"Yeah, I love it. It is very different than…before. But I'm actually learning to talk to the kids…and everyone is so nice. I do my first demonstration next week."

"Oh…and what are you demonstrating?"

"Well, we have this kit to make volcanoes. So, I'm using that."

"Oh, that one…"

She could hear his smile over the phone. "Yeah, it reminded me of that case where the bigamist had two kids and they each built a volcano for their science fair projects. Didn't Catherine work that one with you?"

"Yeah…she did." He smiled as he remembered her talking about her own science fair project; she had lost to a kid with an ant farm. He had told her that animals always win over other things and she teased him about being that kid. They were really close then….before Sara.

"Yeah…I um, have to use the kit. It is what we are trying to sell with these things. But I thought I'd add a few 'extras,' to make it more interesting."

He chuckled. "Just don't blow up the store."

"I'll try…not to, I mean." She paused before diving in. "Gil, I need to ask you something."

"Okay?"

"Your e-mail…I appreciated it but…"

"What?" He suddenly sounded wary.

"When you signed it….you just used your name…nothing else."

"What else would I use?" She could hear the confusion. He wasn't following her.

"Well, usually you say…love, Gil or something like that. It …well, it just kind of surprised me, you know?"

He sighed into the phone. "Sara…" another sigh. She listened, hoping he would continue. In her mind, she could see him thinking on the other end. ""I don't know what to say, Sara. I…we were busy and I had just finished an e-mail to the D.A handling one of my cases and I realized it was Monday and wanted to offer my support. So, I quickly typed that out to you because we had just gotten a call for a robbery at one of the casinos. I was in a hurry but…"

"Oh…I'm sorry. I guess I was just, I don't know…over reacting?"

"Sara, what do you want from me? You are starting fresh there and told me to move on. I…well, I'm trying to follow your example and making some changes in my life. But now you sound like you want me to still be waiting for you…I don't know what to do with it, Sara." The anguish in his voice was clear through the phone.

"I …I'm sorry," She whimpered. . "Maybe this was a bad idea. I'll talk to you soon, okay?" and then the line went dead.

Gil sat on his end in Vegas, stunned and wondering what the hell that call was all about. A spark of anger lit within him, one he tried to quell. Tossing the phone on the table, he headed to his bedroom to get dressed.

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Just a word of warning for upcoming chapters; things are about to get very dark for Gil. the next posting will be under "M' because fo its content. I'll say it now, if you are underage, you shouldn't read it. Meantime, all comments and reviews are welcome. Oh and for fun, check out the new poll on my profile.


	14. Chapter 14

Warning: This chapter is not for young readers! Although there is sexual content, this chapter is not about love making. Things get very dark for Grissom. Be prepared.

MATUREAUDIENCESONLY

Gil stood in the parking lot of The Stable, debating if he should go in. He had thought about it for two days and decided to walk through the door Elizabeth had left open at the theater, but suddenly he was very nervous about it.

A group of young women passed him, all giggling and eyeing him. One of them stopped and looked back. "It's okay. Gay guys come in all the time."

Gil's eyes widened at the implication, he swallowed hard, and muttered a thank you. A moment later, he decided to go ahead with his plans and entered. He walked past the stage, where half dozen muscular and well endowed young men were entertaining. The little group of women from the parking lot was right up front, he noticed. He made his way to the bar, his eyes scanning the room for any sign of Elizabeth. Leaning in towards the bar tender, he asked where Elizabeth was. The bar tender nodded his head toward the back where Gil saw a door with 'Manager' written on it. Nodding, he headed that way.

He was about to knock when the door opened and a half naked man almost ran into Gil. The man glared at him before walking past, leaving Gil standing in the doorway looking startled. Elizabeth looked up and saw him. "Gil.." she smiled.

"Hi…uh, I thought about sharing that drink, but if you are busy…"

"Nonsense. Come on in."

He walked into her office, his eyes scanning for clues about her. She watched his quick scan and smiled. "Find any insights in to my character?"

"No, just an office…mine's filled with specimen jars."

"Think I'll pass." she smirked

"That seems to be a common reaction."

She smiled, the glow in her eyes warming him. "Ready for that drink?"

"If you have time?" Something about the way she looked at him stirred feelings deep within him; her mist colored eyes were pulling him in.

"What's your choice?"

"I had a scotch earlier…"

She picked up the phone and ordered a scotch, neat and rum and seven for herself. Placing the phone back on her desk, she smiled at him again. Then she moved around the furniture to stand closer to him. "So what did you think of the place?"

"I…uh, didn't see much of it," he admitted through a shortened breath. Her proximity was titillating. When he decided to come for the drink, he thought he just wanted to know her better. Now he knew what he really wanted…and looking into her eyes, he had the feeling she wanted the same thing. There was a knock on her door and then the bartender walked in with a tray containing the two drinks. She nodded to the desk and he set the tray there and left.

She handed Gil his scotch and then took a sip of her own drink before motioning toward her couch. They sat, sipping and eyeing one another. "So you have the night off?" she guessed.

"Yeah, I do…I worked a double on a case and didn't get away from the lab until after 3:00 this afternoon, so I can't work tonight…too much overtime."

"So you must be tired…" Her voice dripped with innuendo.

"Suddenly I'm feeling very…energized."

"Hmmm… " She leaned closer to him, close enough that he could smell her shampoo…and a feint hint of her state of arousal. She wanted to be kissed and he obliged. The rum and seven on her lips tasted sweet after the scotch from his glass. Her hand worked its way behind his head, pulling him into her, until he could feel the heat of her body next to his. Her mouth opened, inviting him.

The kiss deepened, their tongues sparring until Gil felt his brain kick into a different gear and suddenly he was no longer the analytical scientist but a man, a very hungry man who was responding to a very primal need. She was responding to him unreservedly, pulling him deeper into their haze of libidinousness. He knew he was losing himself in the fire that she had ignited within him, but for once he didn't care. He let himself go and followed his desire. His mind was incapable of any but one thought; he wanted her and he would have her.

She broke away from him, leaving him disconcerted while she walked to the door to lock it. Then turning, she slowly unfastened the buttons to her shirt, revealing creamy white skin and a tantalizing, almost see through, black lacy bra underneath. He felt the air go out of him as he saw what she was offering. He stood and crossed the floor in an instant, his hands seeking her gifts. The kissed became more intense, his lips bearing down on hers, his tongue crashing into her mouth as his hands squeezed her breasts.

"So, you like it rough?" she moaned.

Somewhere deep inside of him, Gil knew that he was letting things get out of hand. He felt himself being drawn into something dark and sinister. But he continued his pursuit. He reached around to unclasp the hooks of her bra but the thing wouldn't come undone and in frustration he ripped it from her, caring only to touch the flesh of her tits. An alarm sounded somewhere in his brain but as he looked at her; he realized she was enjoying it so he continued. His fingers found her erections and pinched and pulled and then roughly kneaded her, all the time kissing her and almost frantically nibbling and biting her neck. He knew he was leaving bruises and marks, but he ignored it. Her hands worked their way under his shirt and she moaned as her fingers found his hot skin.

Sliding her hands down, she found the button and zipper on his pants and was soon inside, grasping his erection. As crazed as he felt until that instant, he felt something change within him and suddenly all the anger and frustration of the last few months demanded release. He fumbled with her pants until she let go of him to free herself of them. She stood next to her desk in only her shirt and barely there panties. As Gil took in the sight of her, he snapped.

Grabbing her, he bent her over her desk, ripped her panties off and entered her. He could see her hands grabbing the edge of the desk for leverage and somehow understood that he was too rough, but he pounded into her anyway. She moaned; he couldn't tell if it was from pain or delight but he didn't care, he continued his assault. His hand reached beneath her and grabbed her breast again, pulling and squeezing while his other hand grabbed her ass. A voice was screaming somewhere inside of him, telling him to stop. He banished it from his mind as anger flowed through him. One of her hands managed to reach back enough to grab his balls and she squeezed, stopping him. He stepped back, pulling out of her, furious that she had squeezed enough to hurt him. She turned on the desk, opening her legs, her expression inviting him back and he plunged, this time her legs wrapping themselves around him, forcing him even deeper into her. Anger fueled his thrusts; anger about Sara, anger about the little boy, anger that Elizabeth had hurt him.

He watched her eyes as she took his thrusts. She was enjoying this, enjoying the violence that raged within him, which only fueled him more. This wasn't making love; love had nothing to do with tonight. He wanted to hurt her. His rage over Sara that he had so carefully buried came boiling to the surface and expressed itself through the force of his plunges until finally he felt her release, her muscles massaging him into one of his own. His explosion was violent, as violent as his attack had been and as he recoiled from the frenzy, he felt only one thing…shame.

He looked into her satisfied eyes as he withdrew and felt horror. What had he done? She had wanted him…wanted the roughness of the assault, and to him that was what it felt like. But it wasn't him…that angry, violent man was not him. He looked around, picking up clothes. Handing her the torn undergarments, he muttered an apology. Slipping back into his own clothes, he looked at her once more. "I'm sorry," he said. "I..uh….I'm not normally like that." He swallowed, his head pounding. "I shouldn't have come here." He unlocked the door and left.

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Yeah, I know...un-Grissom. Please don't hate me. But tell me what you think anyway. Oh and have you voted in my new poll yet?


	15. Chapter 15

Sara cried herself to sleep that night. She had screwed up the phone call, she knew. Now he was angry, really angry. He had masked his feelings all those months, letting her think he was okay when he wasn't. And now she knew the truth, knew just how deeply she had hurt him. She was sad; sad for him and sad for herself. What they had shared had been so special and now it was gone, part of the ashes of her past. She had destroyed the thing she most cherished in her life, her relationship with Gil Grissom.

As she drifted off to sleep, Gil stood at a gas station, filling his tank. When he left the Stable he had driven fast and hard, making his way to the Interstate and now he was in the middle of the desert, feeling lost.

He paid the attendant and climbed back into his car. _Where now?_ He asked himself. He wanted to just run away. He had hurt Elizabeth…she had been a willing participant but it still didn't excuse his behavior. He could have stopped, he told himself; but a part of him denied that and it scared him.

Turning back toward Vegas, he wondered what he should do. Should he go back and apologize again? Somehow he didn't think she cared one way or the other and he knew he wouldn't feel any better. No, don't go back there, he told himself. So he drove aimlessly. He thought of going to Jim's, telling him what had happened. Jim might understand. _Jim would have me arrested or committed,_ he mused.

Then he thought of Heather. She certainly understood the darker forces that had welled up within him that night. And she understood him. She would understand that it horrified him, but she wouldn't feel it. She would see it as some sort of natural expression of his anger and if the other participant was willing, what was the harm? No…Heather wouldn't be able to help him with this one.

Catherine would understand. She would understand it all. _But it might be the end of our friendship…it might be too much for her._ He decided against going to Catherine. And so he drove.

He was shocked an hour later to find himself on her front porch, just standing there, lost.

He raised his hand to knock but then put it back down. Turning to walk away, he was surprised to hear her behind him. "Gil?"

He turned to face her but couldn't raise his eyes to meet hers. He was too ashamed. He stood there, looking at the ground, ready to break.

Catherine studied the form of her longtime friend, standing on her porch looking devastated. "Come inside, Gil." She said, her hand reaching for his arm and pulling him through the door.

She led him into her living room and sat him on her couch. Sitting across from him on her coffee table, she reached up and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "What's wrong, Gil? What has happened?"

His eyes darted to the side. He couldn't look at her.

"Gil?"

"I…" he tried to speak but he couldn't; inside he was crumbling and the implosion took his breath away.

"Gil, where were you. Where did you go after we left Jim's office? You said you were having a drink with someone…"

He tried to look at her but didn't have the courage. "I went home and Sara called…"

"Sara called? What did she day that has you so upset?"

"She..I…nothing in particular…just…I don't know," he gave up in desolation.

"Gil, you have to answer me. I'm not going to let this go…"

"She just.. I just got angry. And then I went to meet Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth? Who is Elizabeth?"

"Someone I met and she invited me for a drink…or I invited myself, I don't know…"

"Okay, so you met Elizabeth…" Catherine was determined to get him to talk. She had never seen him like this and she was afraid for him. She sensed that he was falling apart right there on her couch and she was determined not to let it happen. "What happened then?"

His eyes met hers briefly and he let out a small cry. "I can't tell you…"

"What? Gil, we've been friends for years. You can tell me anything…"

"No, no, no, no, not this." He was shaking his head violently.

"Okay, oaky…calm down. It is okay, Gil."

"No, no it's not. I…" He slumped in his spot. "I did something…."

"Gil? You are scaring me. Please tell me what is going on…"

"Scaring me too," he mumbled.

"Okay, this Elizabeth…who is she?"

"Owns The Stable."

"The ladies club?"

"Yeah."

Catherine relaxed and studied him for a minute. "Want something to drink?"

He glanced up, almost looking at her. "Water?"

"Okay. Stay here. Promise you won't leave."

"Okay," he nodded. She glanced over her shoulder as she made her way to the kitchen. He seemed rooted in his place.

Once in the kitchen, she quickly looked up the number for The Stable and called, asking to speak to Elizabeth.

"This is Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth, Gil just came in upset and he says he was mixed up in some trouble at your place tonight?"

"What? You're with him? Ah…he didn't tell me there was someone in his life…"

"Yeah, well …twenty years now. But this is the first time he's actually come home to tell me about his conquest for the night." Catherine decided to play the injured wife and see what she could get out of the woman. "As for telling the women about me, he never does honey; but you know it hasn't been so bad. I mean, it _is_ Gil and all…"

"No trouble… But since you seem to know about his …activities, we um…well, we had sex and things got a little rough. I think it upset him. God that man was an animal. Tell him …tell him, I said anytime." She chuckled. "You probably already know this but…damn he was good…..the ride of a lifetime."

"Yeah, a real roller coaster ride… But , well, let me be honest here. The lawyer says I need something more than suspicions to nail him in court. I mean, I want it all. Would you.., if you could tell me what happened, then maybe I could use it to get a good settlement"

"Oh yeah…what a ride, but you probably already know that. Let's see, we met a few nights ago and he asked if he could buy me a drink. So tonight he showed up, kind of unexpected, but I was happy to see him. Anyway, I just had a fight with one of my dancers and was mad as hell and then there he was. At first I thought that we'd share a drink and that would be it, but next thing I knew we were kissing. Damn, he's a good kisser. So, I got up and locked the door, so we wouldn't be disturbed, you know? And then things really began to heat up. That's when he started getting rough. But, I like rough so I encouraged it. I think it kinda pissed him off though when I squeezed his balls too hard. I just wanted him to step back long enough for me to change positions, but something changed. He seemed really angry all of a sudden; not that I'm complaining. It made everything more intense, you know? So anyway, I guess he thought he hurt me or something because he was apologizing at the end. But that was the best sex I've had in a long time. I like it when the guy plays rough."

"Yeah…Okay, well…thank you."

"So can you use any of it? I mean, if you're cutting him lose, I might be interested in…well, you know…."

"Trust me Elizabeth; he's more trouble than he's worth."

Catherine poured his water and carried the glass back into the living room where she found him curled up on her couch in the fetal position. "Gil, here's your water."

He covered his face with his hands when she spoke. Sitting back on her table, she set the glass down. "Gil," she said as she reached for his hands. He flinched when she touched him.

"Gil," her voice was more demanding as she took on her 'mother voice.' "Look at me."

Slowly he lowered his hands but his eyes would not meet hers. "Sit up," she said.

He sat and she handed him the water. He took a sip and quickly put the glass on the end table. "Gil, I called the club and talked to Elizabeth."

Her heart broke as he whimpered. "God, no," he whispered.

"She told me what happened…well sort of. She said…" Catherine took a deep breath. Gil was an intensely private man and his sex life was never a topic that was open for discussion between them. "Gil, she said things got a little rough, but she seemed to have enjoyed it. Do you hear me, Gil; you didn't hurt her."

"I….so much anger;" And then the dam broke. A flood of tears escaped as he admitted his shameful sin. "I raped her Cath. She was willing but still, that what it was…"

"Gil, it wasn't rape. I don't know what it was, but you aren't capable of that." She said honestly.

"But I did, except it wasn't me…I mean it was, but that man was so filled with rage, so angry and violent. It was me but it wasn't. And now…and now I don't know who I am anymore."

"She's okay. She even said for you to come back anytime. Seems you left her very happy; made me wonder what I've missed out on all these years…"

Gil sat straight up, horror filling his eyes. "No…god no, Cath…not that; you don't deserve _that…_not what I did tonight. If I ever did that to you….oh god…no…"

"Everyone is different, Gil. This frightened you because …well, it just wasn't you. You don't really have a stomach for the rough stuff and you lost control and you need to have control. She did say something changed in you, that you got really angry…"

"It was more than that. I shouldn't be here," he said suddenly. "It's not safe."

"Safe for whom?"

"You." He tone was blunt.

"What?" She was incredulous. "Gil, there is no one I feel safer with than you."

"The old me, maybe; but I don't recognize this guy. I should go."

"You will not!" Catherine was firm in her declaration, stopping him before he had a chance to gain momentum. "You are sleeping here tonight. No arguments. I'll get you a blanket and you can stretch out on the couch." He looked at her, stunned. She had never spoken to him with such authority before. "Where are your keys," she demanded as she held out her hand. Too shocked to argue, he pulled his keys from his pocket and put them in her hand, like a chastised teen that had been out with the family car all night.

"Gil, I know you. All she had to do was tell you to stop and you would have. If she had objected even a little bit, you would have come to your senses."

He shook his head, "I don't know…I was so….it was like I was watching someone else…" Tremors crept through him and Catherine noticed that his hands were shaking. "I really only went there for a drink, just trying to, I don't know, start over or something. Sara had called and it really upset me. She…it was like she was expecting me to wait for her, but then she had just told me to move on in that letter. Everything has been so…wrong since she left. My emotions…I knew I shouldn't have risked a relationship with her; I knew she would leave eventually. But then she said she would marry me and I was so happy. She needed me and…I needed that. And…it was so good to go home and have someone there. But then she left and I tried, I really tried to not be angry with her. I mean, I understand why she left but it still hurts. It hurts so much. I risked everything for her and she just…left. And when I was with Elizabeth, the way she looked at me…she wanted me and I miss that. But then something inside just…snapped and all the anger and hurt boiled up and it was like I was on fire or something. There was a voice inside my head telling me to stop, but I just kept going. So much anger…I wanted someone to hurt as much as I hurt." He paused, still shaking and now flexing his fingers. "Even now, I just feel so angry and….ashamed. You trust me more than I trust myself right now."

She reached over and covered his trembling hands with her own. "Yes, I think I do." She wanted to hug him and began to reach for him but he backed away, horrified.

"No….don't. I might…I might hurt you," he whispered. :"Don't want to hurt you. I'm losing myself Catherine…I can't find me anymore."

She rested her hand back on his. "You are right here, Gil…right here with me. I recognize you even if you don't recognize yourself. That man with Elizabeth…that was the part of you that you've buried all these months. You never let anything out, Gil. You always hold in your emotions so tightly and everything you feel about Sara…good and bad; you just can't keep all that bottled up inside forever Maybe we were all pushing you too hard to get her back. We probably should have done more to help you actually deal with what happened."

He raised his head to look at her. "Don't let me hurt you. Promise me that. If I hurt you, I…" his head dropped in despair.

"You won't hurt me Gil. Not like that anyway. Never like that." She patted his hands and watched as he seemed to relax a little. "Now, stay put while I get you a pillow and blanket." She disappeared from the room, leaving Gil bewildered.

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So, too dark? Not enough explanation? Write more or ditch the story? Let me know what you think, please. Interest seems to be dwindling and there is no point in me continuing to write if no one wants to read.


	16. Chapter 16

Gil woke up, confused and frighten from a nightmare. He got up and promptly tripped over the coffee table, letting out a grunt and a yelp. As he lay, sprawled on the floor, his shin throbbing, he heard footsteps in the hall.

Catherine was beside him as soon as she entered the room. "Gil, are you okay?"

"Uh…I think so. Hit my shin…"

She reached up and turned on a lamp. Looking back at him, she smirked. "God, you look awful."

"What?"

"You look like you've been run over by a bus. How did you end up on the floor, anyway?"

"I…um, tripped."

"Where were you going?" she asked as her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Don't know…had a dream."

She sat on the floor, eyeing him and wondering what to do next. He lay there, avoiding her eyes and wishing he could disappear. Finally he spoke. "I should go home…"

"No."

"But Lindsey…"

"Is at my sister's. It is just you and me."

"Oh." Somehow that didn't comfort him. "I…Cath?" he asked, fear filling his voice.

"Yeah?"

"You aren't…you don't…I mean, after what I did… I was afraid to tell you, afraid that…" He couldn't seem to put a sentence together. Catherine waited, wondering what he was asking. "Aren't you afraid of me? You don't hate me?" he finally managed.

Frowning, she stared at him. Easing her hand to his face, she gently stroked his beard. "Hate you? Never, Gil. I could never hate you….or be afraid of you. Sometimes you frustrate the hell out of me …and I don't always understand you; but no, we have too much together…too many memories, shared experiences, too many battles we've fought and won together." She paused and let her thumb trace his lips before she continued in a somewhat huskier voice, "too many unanswered questions."

Gil's eyes grew wide and he began to tremble again as he absorbed her meaning. His head was spinning, wanting to explore her unspoken question but he was too frightened by the events of the night to trust himself. He was still angry and ashamed…and confused

Catherine saw his response and pulled her hand away. Patting him on the shoulder, she smirked. "Let's get you up before you turn into a fixture."

She felt his trembling as she helped him up. "Gil, you're shaking."

"I…yeah….the dream, it was more like a nightmare."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No"

"Okay…I won't push. But I'm not leaving you alone on the couch either." Taking his hand, she walked him down the hall to her room. He slowed the pace as they entered and he realized where she was headed. "Cath, no… I …no," he said shaking his head and trying to back away.

"It's okay Gil. I just don't want you to be alone. We can put a row of pillows between us if that will make you feel better."

His eyes were wide, fear emanating from them; but he let her lead him to the bed. She climbed in on 'her' side and turned off the bedside lamp. He lay like a stiff board for a few minutes until he was comfortable that she really was going to sleep. Then, rolling onto his side, he let sleep overtake him.

Catherine was quiet, hoping he would think she was asleep and then he might relax. When she realized that he had fallen asleep, she rolled over. She could make out the shape of the back of his head in the darkness but the rest of him was covered. Listening to him breath, she wanted to touch him, comfort him, and reassure herself. Easing herself closer, she spooned behind him, her arm reaching around his waist and holding him close. The warmth of his body and his steady breathing brought her comfort. Sighing, she was relieved that he hadn't totally fallen apart….somehow, he had stepped back from the brink. She needed that…she needed it because she needed him.

Gil had dozed off but wasn't so deep into sleep that he didn't feel her behind him. His eyes flew open when he felt her arm move around his waist. And when she rested her head on the back of his shoulders, he had to fight to quell the fear that was rising in his throat. Forcing himself to remain still, he wondered what he was afraid of. It was Catherine, after all. And he realized that was what scared him. What if he hurt her like he hurt Elizabeth? No, she promised she wouldn't let him do that. But he knew he could hurt her like Sara had hurt him. He could entangle her in his messed up existence and then when he finally had her where he wanted her, he could disappear. He was good at disappearing; after all he had spent most of his life as a ghost.

Sara had changed that. She brought him out of himself, made him admit his feelings. But as he thought about it, he realized that wasn't entirely true. They had a connection at the conference and struck up a relationship of sorts. And then she had come to Vegas, filled with expectations about the two of them, apparently. But at the time, he was trying to avoid her. Well, that wasn't entirely true either. They had begun some twisted cat and mouse game.

As he thought more about the last ten years, he realized it wasn't Sara that was always pushing him to open up; it was Catherine. She was the one who got him to open up enough to reveal tiny little secrets. She had encouraged him to form relationships with the people that surrounded him everyday. He remembered telling her how the Sheriff in Jackpot thought she was his wife when they talked on the phone. She had laughed and teased him, asking how fast did he set the Sheriff straight. When Gil confessed that he left the Sheriff still thinking they were married, she had gotten quiet. As he lay there, understanding that eluded him then suddenly flashed in his brain as he realized why she had gotten so quiet.

He remembered other things too; the times she came over for breakfast and it seemed to make his whole day better somehow, her sudden appearance at the hospital before his surgery…to wish him luck she had said. Now he understood; she had been worried. And he remembered her telling him how a family was forming around him. That was when he and Sara had had an 'episode' and she was threatening to leave. Catherine's prompting inspired him to send Sara a plant and she stayed. Maybe he just should have let her go, he mused.

Once a long time ago, they had teased about her being his right arm…and his left. There was truth to it though and now…she was something more. Over the years, she had become…what? _A part of my soul. _

_And then tonight happened. She must think I am disgusting. How will she ever be able to look at me the same? How can I ever look at her again? And she called…no one but Catherine would do that; but she did, she did it for me. Why would she do all of that? We are friends…but there are limits to friendship. Have I ruined ours?_

He stayed awake a long time with his thoughts, wondering what tomorrow would bring. _Funny, I haven't really though about tomorrow much since Sara left…_As his eyelids grew heavy, he quieted his mind and simply relished the feel of someone behind him, holding him…her.

He wasn't sure how long he had slept. It didn't feel like very long. Her arm was still on him and he could feel the warmth of her breath on his back. She _had_ understood; she knew the shame he felt and was able to comprehend his anger…even his horror. She heard his confession and yet hadn't turned away form him. Instead, she was trying to comfort him. Tears began to roll out of his eyes as all of the emotions of the night began to flood over him again, the hurt, anger, lust, shame, horror, and fear washed through him, overwhelming him. Panic began to grow within him as felt his self control receding. His mind was filled with so many conflicting thoughts and extreme sadness crept into his soul. He got up to go to the bathroom and as he washed his hands, he noticed a pair of scissors on the counter. He studied them with quiet detachment, his CSI mind considering the pros and cons of using them on himself. Slowly he reached for them and gingerly held them in his hand, turning them over and over. It would be so easy…

Then he saw himself in the mirror. It was the same face that he always saw, but he knew this night had changed him forever. Now he was as guilty as some of the suspects he had helped to convict. The old nickname 'Gruesome Grissom' rang truer than ever.

He tilted his head and turned his face slightly, still watching his reflection. His guilt didn't seem to show on his face, but he knew it was there. Then he remembered the scissors and stared at them, still in his hand. _No…I've committed one horrible sin tonight…I won't commit another. Besides, Catherine would never forgive me._

He put the scissors down and backed away from the counter. Walking back to the bed, he stood watching her sleep. She trusted him. She believed in him. She was still his friend. He wanted to touch her, to have her hold him, but he still didn't trust himself. Carefully he picked up the pillow and held it close to his chest as he watched her. How could he have missed her importance to him all these years? He had taken for granted their relationship and now…he was just thankful she was still willing to be his friend.

He sat down on the floor, still hugging the pillow and watching her. He watched until his eyes grew heavy and he slid down, resting his head on the pillow and he then drifted off to sleep.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Thanks for continuing with me. I don't usually like to dwell on darkness, but when this idea came to me, I just had to follow the thread to see where it would lead. While much of this may seem un-Grissomlike, I am drawing on experiences and people in my own life, so perhaps there is some truth in it somewhere. Anyway, didn't mean to get so deep. Hope you'll stick with me. Please keep the cards and letters coming, folks. Otherwise, I'll be reduced to begging.


	17. Chapter 17

They were awakened by her cell phone. It was morning, Catherine realized as the sun shone through her window. Reaching for the phone, she flipped it open and answered. "Willows."

"Catherine, it's Jim. Have you seen Gil…have any idea where he is?"

"Well…yeah, what's up?" She glanced at him, still curled up on the floor.

"There's been a murder and it seems he knew the woman and…" she heard a sigh through the phone, "and he was with her last night."

"You need to talk to him then?"

"Yeah. Right now, he's considered a person of interest, but Catherine, this isn't looking good."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No, look…there's a bulletin out on him. Catherine, I'd rather it be me that brings him in, not some trigger happy rookie. You understand what I'm telling you here?"

"I..uh, yeah. Look, let him come to you. I'll make sure he comes to you, okay?"

"Yeah…call me when you find him, okay?"

"Ah…yeah." Catherine closed her phone and looked over at Gil. "You have to get cleaned up and down to PD."

"What? Why?"

"That was Jim. Gil, Elizabeth was murdered last night and right now you are considered a person of interest and there is a bulletin out on you."

Gil sat up. "Murdered?" Shock and sadness competed in his features.

"That's what Jim said. He wants to be the one that brings you in for questioning; not someone who doesn't care about you."

"Cath…I didn't…you know I couldn't…"

"I know Gil. Besides, I talked to her after you got here, remember?"

He struggled to collect his thoughts. Now his deed would be fully exposed and as that reality settled in on him, he began to panic. _Panic is the worst thing you could do_. His mind wouldn't focus as fear and despair once again assaulted him. _One thing at a time, _he told himself. _First breathe and then, what's next? Clothes…_"Okay. I…there's a spare set of clothes in my car."

"I'll get them. You head for the shower."

Gil did as he was told. As he climbed into the shower and the warm water began to flow over him, he began to shake again. _Elizabeth murdered. And they want to question me…Shit, my DNA is all over her body. They think I raped and murdered her…_

Catherine checked on him in the shower after she realized he had been in there too long. He was curled up in the corner, shaking. "Gil," she said as she turned off the water. Any other time the situation might have elicited a very different response from her, but right now she was focused on helping him pull himself together. "Gil, come out and get dressed."

At first he didn't seem like he was going to move, but slowly he stood up and stepped out of the shower. He took the towel she offered and began to dry off. She saw the tremor in his hands as he rubbed the towel over himself. _He's barely holding it together. Doesn't even seem to care that he is naked in front of me…doesn't even seem to realize it. _Trying not to look too closely she told him,"I've got the coffee started and I'm going to find something to eat. I expect you in the kitchen in five minutes," she said firmly. He nodded as he continued his task.

He arrived in the kitchen looking somewhat refreshed but extremely guilty. "You have to stop looking so guilty," Catherine told him as she handed him a mug of coffee. "You hear me Gil? Right now, there're going to take one look at you and slap you in lock up. You have to pull yourself together."

"But I am guilty," he whispered.

"Not of murder, you're not. And I don't want you confessing to anything. I've already called a criminal attorney that owes me a favor and he's meeting us there."

"Not that Novak guy?"

"No, not him. It's Sid Tomlinson. I testified as an expert in a big case for him…you remember, don't you?"

"Yeah, a couple of years ago."

"Right. So he's agreed to represent you."

"But I don't need a lawyer. I didn't kill her."

"Gil, you know how this works. Listen to me and listen to your lawyer."

He was quiet on the ride over, too quiet even for Gil. Catherine glanced sideways at him a few times and each time it seemed he had retreated farther into the seat. He stared out of the window but she suspected that he wasn't seeing anything. _He's losing it…have to figure out how to get him to a shrink and fast._

Gil stared out of the window, his thoughts lost in the darkness of the previous night. _And now they think I killed her…Cath said not to look guilty but how can I? Need to think…need to concentrate. What questions will they ask? How can I answer them honestly? Who will arrest me? Will it be Jim…please God, don't make Jim do it…someone else. Let someone else put the cuffs on…not Jim. It'll tear him up to arrest me. I've hurt enough people already…_

They met Jim at the police station and he took Gil to an interrogation room. "I can't be the one to question you, you know that…right?"

"Yeah," Gil nodded as he sat down.

"You got a lawyer?"

"Yeah…Tomlinson."

"Good, he's one of the best. Listen to him, Gil."

"Yeah…thanks Jim." Gil hadn't been able to look at Jim. He heard the concern in his friend's voice and could imagine his expression, but he couldn't face him.

A few minutes later Tomlinson came in followed by Eric Delgado from IA. Detective Vartann also walked in. Vartann began the questioning.

"Where were you last night?"

Gil sat, frozen and wide eyed. He felt his focus slipping away as his mind slid into gloom.

Jim joined Catherine on the other side of the glass. "Damn Catherine, why is he looking so guilt ridden? They're going to go after him like hounds on a scent."

"He was with her last night, Jim. He met her for a drink and things just …developed from there. Sara called him after he went home…after we met in your office. She said something to upset him and he was still angry when he went there to meet the woman"

They watched as Gil seemed to shrink in his chair. The attorney leaned over and whispered something in Gil's ear but Catherine saw his expression and realized Gil wasn't listening.

Watching his friend, Jim realized it too. "So they um…he had sex with her?"

"He said he just went for a drink but things escalated. She liked her sex rough, Jim…and Gil was in the mood to be rough. But that's all it was. He was so upset though, afraid that he had hurt her. So I called her to be sure she was okay. She was fine…said it had been great."

Jim stared at her incredulously. "You called her? Does he realize you talked to the woman about his sex life?"

"Yes…and no. I don't think it has really registered with him. He just feels so guilty about the way he treated her. And…he hasn't said anything, but I think he feels like he cheated on Sara too."

Back in the room, this time it was Delgado who asked, "Where were you last night."

Again the lawyer whispered into Gil's ear. Gil sat head down, staring at nothing. To Catherine it seemed like he was waging a war inside his head and Gil Grissom was losing the battle. Finally he spoke, his voice so soft that everyone strained to hear. "I went to The Stable to meet Elizabeth for a drink. That was about 9:45. I left there about an hour later and drove around awhile and then went to Catherine's about 12:30. And that's where I've been since." Gil tried not to offer any more information than the question required. Although his emotions were running rampant on the inside, he managed to remain calm on the outside.

Vartann and Delgado looked at one another. Then Delgado spoke. "You were at Catherine Willows' place from 12:30 on?"

"Yes."

"Grissom, we found your semen on the victim and it looked like she might have been raped."

Gil closed his eyes, not wanting to respond; desperately not wanting to respond. But he knew the next question was coming.

"Did you have sexual relations with her last night?"

"Yes." His chest felt tight, like his heart was in a vise. And he needed to breath, he realized. But his lungs didn't seem to want to fill with air. He felt like he was shaking again but when he looked at his hands, he was relieved to see that they were still.

"Seems you play rough?" Delgado said.

_Thank god, he didn't ask if I raped her._ He felt some relief from the ache that was creeping into his head. "She likes…liked it that way; the rougher the better. When I left, she was very …content and also alive."

"Right," intoned Delgado.

Catherine had been watching through the glass with Jim. When she heard Delgado's tone, she turned to Jim, "He's telling the truth. I talked to her on the phone after he got to my place."

"Yeah, you said that already. Come on…" They walked around the corner and Jim knocked on the door, opening it to let Vartann know he wanted to speak to him. The detective crossed the room and stood at the door.

"Catherine has something to add to what Gil is telling you," Jim said.

Vartann looked at her. "Yeah?"

"He's telling the truth. I called her after he got to my place and talked to her. She was alive."

Vartann looked stunned. "You what?"

"I called her. He told me he had met her for a drink and I wanted to see what this new woman in his life was like, so I called."

Gil looked at her, anxiously. "Cath, stay out of this."

"Look, Delgado here wants to win points by riding roughshod over you and I'm not going to let that happen." She turned to Delgado and Vartann. "He was with me all night. He has a bruise on his shin that matches my coffee table."

"A bruise doesn't prove anything," Delgado declared.

"It happened around 3:00am, just before I took him to bed."

Again Vartann looked shocked. "You took him to bed?"

"Yeah," she shrugged. "I didn't want him tripping over the coffee table anymore."

"Catherine!" Gil yelled. "Stop it!" He glared at her, his face furious.

"Hey, they want to know where you were last night while Elizabeth was getting murdered. They need to know that you were with me."

His eyes grew huge as his mouth dropped. "What the hell are you doing? You could lose your job…"

"Then I guess you'd better keep yours; we can't both be unemployed." she said, her eyes twinkling as she audaciously shot back at him.

Gil turned to the lawyer. "Do something."

The lawyer shrugged. "I'm representing you, not her."

"Damit!" he pounded his fist on the table. "I didn't kill Elizabeth. If you want to arrest me then do it. Otherwise, I'm leaving."

Delgado indicated the door with is hand. "Just don't go far."

"Right," Gil said as he grabbed Catherine by the arm and pulled her from the room.

Once they were in the hall, he spun her around to face him. Fury was written in every line of his face. "Why are you saying those things? You were acting like we really slept together or something? Why?"

Catherine faced his fury squarely. "Because Delgado pissed me off, that's why."

"Dammit Catherine, I have enough to deal with. I don't want you to go down with me."

"You're really angry aren't you?" she goaded.

"Yes, I am," he fumed.

"Funny thing Gil, I'm not afraid of you. Can you tell that I'm not afraid of you?"

He stood staring at her, his mouth agape. "You deliberately made me angry?"

"Well, no…not really. But it does prove that you haven't totally lost it."

He stepped back from her and she saw the tears that were forming in his eyes. "Please get me out of here…I want to go home."

"Tell you what, Gil. Let's go check on Hank and you can throw some things in a bag. Stay at my place for a day or two until you feel more like yourself."

"No…it is bad enough that you're seeing me like this. I don't want Lindsey to see me right now."

"Lindsey will be fine. And you don't need to be alone, so I am insisting. Either stay with me or we'll see if Jim feels like putting up with you."

Gil's head popped up. "Jim…no. He'll spend the whole time telling me what an idiot I am."

"Well, he's a smart guy. Now come on…" she said as she tugged on his hand and they started down the hall.

"Grissom!" they heard from the other end of the hallway. They stopped and turned to see Conrad Ecklie motioning from his end. "In my office."

"Damn," Catherine swore under her breath.

"Stay out of it, Catherine. I mean it. Ecklie's going to tell me whatever he wants to tell me and you are not getting involved. Understand?" He growled.

Gil headed towards Ekclie's office and Catherine followed. She stood just outside as Gil entered. "Conrad?"

"Close the door and have a seat," she heard the A.D. tell Grissom.

Gil did as he was told and was promptly seated across from the man. He said nothing, waiting for Ecklie to begin.

"Gil, I've been concerned for you ever since everything that happened with Sara. I tried to be supportive when your relationship became known and it seemed that after the initial shock of her kidnapping and injuries wore off, you were handling things well. But since she left, you haven't. And the last few weeks, I've felt like I was watching you unravel like a ball of twine."

"Conrad…"

"No, let me finish. I am placing you on extended leave. This time, you _will_ get professional help and you will deal with these issues. For the record, I am attributing it to these two cases…the ones with the children. That means your leave is related to your job. Consequently, you will be able to return when I have verification from your counselor that you are fit for duty. Am I clear, Gil? You will seek the help of a counselor and that person will contact me directly when you are ready to return to work."

Gil was mildly surprised. He had expected to lose his job. After all, what he did wouldn't reflect well on the lab. Maybe Ecklie didn't know all the details yet, but Gil doubted that. He sat in silence, studying Ecklie's expression. He was sincere. Gil sensed none of the animosity or political maneuvering that Conrad usually presented. "Understood," Gil finally answered.

It was Ecklie's turn to be surprised. He had expected Gil to argue. "Okay then…I hope to see you back soon; but take whatever time you need. When you do come back, I expect your former self."

Gil stood to leave wondering how he could ever be his former self. The previous night had changed him, he knew. There was a darkness within him that had never existed before.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Many thanks for the reviews! You give me things to consider as I write and you make good points. I do appreciate. That said, please keep them coming.


	18. Chapter 18

Paula sat staring at Sara over the breakfast table, full of consternation. "Sara, you didn't?"

"Yeah, I did. I totally blew it. I should have known he was busy. He's not really good at expressing his emotions anyway and if his head was in a case…"

"Still", Paula muttered, "it does seem that he over reacted somewhat."

"I think he's frustrated. I guess I do keep sending mixed signals. When I left, I intended for the letter to be my good-bye, but I missed him so much. He called and called, leaving messages on my voice mail until finally I answered. We never talked about anything too serious until recently." Sara paused, stirring her coffee aimlessly. "I hurt him, I know I did. But I was trying to save him from being hurt more. And now, well…he sounded pretty hurt on the phone. And he's angry. One thing about Grissom; he's loathe to judge people but if he does, it is a life sentence. I've killed any chance we had, I think."

"Sara, you have to go talk to him."

"I can't ask off from a job I just started. And I like the job; I need it. Somehow, it is helping me to get some of myself back."

Then write a letter, a good one this time. Think it through before you mail it."

"No, no more letters."

"Then call him, but plan what you are going to say. Make notes before the call if you need to. Do _something_, Sara. Either decide you want him and you'll do whatever it takes to get back to him or else, give him his freedom."

"Yeah, I just need to think about it."

"Well, don't think too long. It sounds like he might be ready to make the decision for you."

As Catherine drove them to Grissom's place, she waited for him to tell her what Ecklie wanted. Glancing at him occasionally, she realized that he wasn't going to. Finally, she asked. "So, what did Ecklie say?"

"I'm on leave." He was staring out of the window and wouldn't look at her.

"That's all? Just, you're on leave?"

"And I have to go to counseling. He was actually pretty decent, not what I expected."

"Oh, that's bad. Whenever Conrad gets nice, it is trouble for someone."

"Maybe. But I think he got it right this time. I think…maybe counseling would be good. And I couldn't concentrate on a case now anyway; too many other things running through my brain."

"Yeah…maybe."

They walked into the apartment to find Hank in distress. He had been cooped up for far too long and needed a walk desperately. No sooner had Gil hooked his leash on his collar than the dog bolted out of the door. Catherine followed and caught up with them at the end of the block. They walked; Hank happy to be out and sniffing everything he saw and Gil somewhat happy with his freedom also. There was a park a block down and once they arrived, Gil unhooked the leash and let Hank romp. Gil and Catherine sat on a bench and watched as Hank ran around sniffing and then stopping to listen every few seconds. Some birds flew through and he gleefully chased them.

"If I get arrested, will you take care of him for me?" Gil's voice was quietly pleading.

"Of course, but you aren't going to get arrested."

"They could still charge me with rape."

"On what evidence? There's no law against playing rough as long as everyone consents."

"Yeah," sadness permeated his voice.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Gil lost in thought. Catherine wondered where his mind was taking him. She could feel the tension in his body next to her.

Finally he spoke again. "Cath…"

She turned to look at him, her hand instinctively going to his. "What Gil?"

"I thought about …suicide last night." He heard her small gasp and felt her fingers clench his hand. Panic enveloped him as he wondered if she was angry, or worse, had he hurt her?

"I thought about it but I couldn't do it. We've seen the ones left behind too often; all the pain of unanswered questions… I couldn't do that. Besides, suicide is a sin and I don't want to add to my list of unforgiveable sins."

"I didn't realize you were so religious, Gil?"

"I'm not," he shrugged. "But I do believe in God. And if He is God the Father, then how could He forgive me for taking the life he gave me?"

"I don't know how to answer that, Gil, except that He is God. He can do anything."

"Sometimes I believe that. Right now, I need faith in something. Funny how people who have never thought much about Him turn to God in their bleakest moments…"

"I think He probably doesn't mind," she responded.

"Cath?" His look was poignant.

"I'm here Gil."

"I know…thank you. You still seem to have faith in me. Right now, it is the thread that is holding me together."

"Like the song says, Gil…

_Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on__."_

For the first time since he came to her house the night before, Gil looked at her in the eyes. He said nothing, but his eyes conveyed so much of what he was feeling; sadness, despair, fear, relief and trust. As the enormity of his gaze burned into her consciousness, Catherine thought that it was something she would remember forever.

Gil called Hank over and reconnected the leash and the trio set out for his apartment. As they entered, Gil told Catherine that he would be fine on his own. "I need time alone to think things through and sort myself out," he told her.

Finally she agreed but only after he gave her a spare key and promised breakfast in the morning. "And you'll call me if, well…if things seem too much?"

"I promise," he smiled, although weakly.

Reluctantly she left, telling him she would call later just to see how he was doing.

Gil stood near the couch and looked around his place. He thought it would feel welcoming, comfortable. But it didn't. It just felt empty, except for Hank of course, who was lapping up water from his bowl and panting. Gil realized he had eaten since…when? He couldn't remember. Food would be a good place to start, he decided as he headed for the kitchen.

He debated his choices as he surveyed his cabinet, and decided on soup and a sandwich. He really was very hungry and didn't want to take the time to cook anything too complicated. Walking to the fridge, he reached in the freezer to retrieve a container of frozen soup left from last week. As the door closed, he found himself staring at a picture of Sara and him taken years ago in San Francisco. He put the container down on the counter and reached for the picture. By this time Hank was watching and as Gil's thoughts got lost in the picture, the dog became agitated. Gil looked down at him, puzzled. Hank whined at him as if understanding Gil's melancholy.

He opened the container and put it in the microwave to begin heating it. Then he began preparing a sandwich. Within ten minutes, he had prepared a magnum opus; a turkey club with creamy chicken and wild rice soup. He sat on one of the stools at the end of the counter, smiling with a sense of accomplishment.

As he sat, consuming his meal, his eyes drifted back to the picture on the fridge. Then he began looking around the room, his eyes picking out several small reminders of Sara. Once he finished eating, he carried his dishes to the sink and rinsed them. Next, he took the picture down and placed it carefully on the counter. Moving around the room, he picked up several other items, creating a small pile. He picked up a framed picture of his team that had been taken a couple of years ago. It included Sara. Deciding that he could find another picture with his current team, he put that in his pile too. He went into the bedroom and followed the same procedure. He found a box in the closet and put all the items in it.

Next he went through the closets and drawers, pulling various clothing items that she had left behind. Hank watched, occasionally sniffing at items as they were added to the pile, until Gil found another larger box for those items. It meant unpacking a box of old lecture notes and journals to have use of the carton, but they could sit stacked on the closet floor until he replaced it. They had no significant memories attached to them. When his task was completed, he had filled three boxes. He carried them to the coat nook near his entry and stacked them in there.

Hank had followed him closely through the whole process and sat near the door, watching the end of the exercise. Once Gil was satisfied that the boxes were secure, he stood up and looked at his pet. "We're on our own, fella; time to start making some new memories."

Gil found the phone book and flipped through it, looking for a counselor. He found the pages and began to scan the names. One jumped out at him. "I remember him," he said to Hank. "He testified in a case two…no, three years ago. I was very impressed; one of the few shrinks that actually made sense to me." Gil jotted down the name and number; "Dr. Sidney Friedman, 736…. I'll call him tomorrow," he said to Hank, who yawned and plopped down next to his feet on the floor.

Gil stretched out on his couch, trying to relax. A tune was stuck in his head as he drifted to sleep; _Sometimes in our lives we all have pain  
We all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow_

_Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on_

_Please swallow your pride  
If I have things you need to borrow  
For no one can fill those of your needs  
That you don't let show_

_Lean on me, when you're not strong…_

_If there is a load you have to bear  
That you can't carry  
I'm right up the road  
I'll share your load  
If you just call me_

_So just call on me brother, when you need a hand  
We all need somebody to lean on  
I just might have a problem that you'd understand  
We all need somebody to lean on_

_Lean on me when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on…_

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\

The song, "Lean on Me," was written and originally performed by Bill Withers. It came on the radio as I was typing and just seemed to be a perfect fit. As always, comments are most welcome and appreciated.


	19. Chapter 19

Catherine was the scheduled Supervisor for the next shift. Gil was supposed to be off, so no one really thought anything about his absence until the meeting. "I'll be the Supervisor for the next few weeks," Catherine told the group. "Gil is taking some time off. So everyone reports to me, okay… Now, for assignments."

Nick looked at Catherine, shocked. "What Catherine, Grissom's taking time off? He just got back. What's going on?"

"Yeah," added Warrick. "This is messed up."

Catherine looked around the shrinking group and saw their concern. Greg was watching her intensely, waiting for her to answer the other two." Look guys, the two cases with kids really got to him. You know how bad things have been for him. I think it has all just gotten to be too much. He needs a break."

It was Greg that put offered another piece to the puzzle. "I heard he got questioned about a homicide that days is investigating; some woman he met for a drink."

"What a minute, Grissom is dating again?" Nick asked incredulously.

"Naw, Man…can't be," said Warrick. "He's still too messed up over Sara."

Catherine sighed. "Okay….yeah he was questioned. He met her at some theater and I guess they hit it off. Sara wrote him a letter and told him to move on so that's what he is trying to do; it just doesn't seem to be going very well."

"So…is he a suspect?" Greg asked nervously.

"No," answered Catherine. "He has an alibi for time of death."

"Who? Hank?" asked Nick.

"No, me," answered Catherine. "He came over to my place after he left her. He was upset because, well…he realized it was a mistake to go for the drink. He was upset and wanted to talk. I guess since I've gone through more break ups than anyone else he knows…"

"Wow, Grissom talked about it?" Nick's verbal surprise was reflected in the expressions of the others.

"Yeah, sometimes he talks. And he was already upset over the case with that little boy. Look guys, he needs some time to sort things out. Call him if you want to or ask him out for a drink or something, but don't crowd him. You understand what I'm saying?"

They all nodded. It was Nick who voiced what they all wondered. "Is this it? Is this when he disappears and we never see him again?"

Catherine thought about his question. "I don't know. I don't think so, but it is Gil Grissom. He won't want a big fanfare when he does leave. Somehow, I doubt it though. You guys know he has a picture of the team on the shelves in his apartment, don't you?"

"No," they answered.

"Well, he does. I think he considers us his family now. I don't think he would leave without telling us, especially after what Sara did to him." She paused, letting her words sink in. "Okay, so assignments…."

The night was going smoothly. They had enough to keep them busy but the cases weren't particularly challenging and there weren't too many. Catherine was sitting at Gil's desk, finishing some of his never ending pile of reports when she heard footsteps. Looking up, she saw a hesitant Gil Grissom standing before her. She smiled. "Love us too much, just can't stay away, huh?"

He smirked. "Something like that."

"You look a little better. Got some sleep?"

"Yeah, and I have an appointment with a shrink for day after tomorrow. And I did some cleaning out." He stopped and sighed. "And Hank likes having a playmate again."

Catherine smiled.

"I came to get Hairy. You probably would rather not take care of him."

"You got that right. What about your racing roaches? Where are they?"

"Oh, I took them home weeks ago. They didn't like it here." He shrugged.

"Good." She smiled at him.

"So…slow night?"

"Yeah, but not too slow. Thought I'd finish your reports for you…again."

"Sorry," but his grin said he really wasn't. Then more seriously, "guess the guys are asking questions?"

"A little. I told them as little as possible, but they already knew that you had been questioned. You'll probably be hearing from them."

"Thanks." He stood across the desk from her, his finger tracing small circles on the glass top. "Cath, I…"

"Hey Catherine, oh good Gil…you're here too," said Jim Brass as he walked into the room.

"What's up, Jim," asked Catherine.

Jim stopped next to Gil, glancing at Catherine and then at Gil. "Boy this is weird, like I've stepped into some alternate universe or something," he smirked as he observed the reverse order of their positions.

"Tell me about it," shrugged Gil.

"Yeah…anyway, you'll be happy about this…Coroner's report says there is no evidence of rape. She was not sexually assaulted. There was some mild tissue bruising consistent with things getting a little rough, but all indications are that it was consensual."

Gil stared at him blankly. It was Catherine who sighed deeply in relief. "That's good. So, Gil's no longer the subject of any investigation?"

"Right," nodded Jim, eyeing Gil's apparent lack of a reaction.

Finally Gil looked at him and then Catherine. He stepped over to the credenza behind his desk to retrieve Hairy and then started out of the door. "Thanks," he said as he hurried.

"What's with that?" Jim asked. "I thought it would be good news."

"It's Gil being Gil," shrugged Catherine. "Who knows."

"Yeah, I'm worried about him too," Jim said in a gravely tone. "How about we surprise him for breakfast?"

"Deal."

In San Francisco, Sara wasn't getting much sleep. She had been debating whether to ask for time off to go talk to Gil or should she just call him and try to make sense this time? As she tossed and turned various scenarios played in her head, none of them good. Finally, just as dawn was breaking, she decided to call him.

She listened as his phone rang and then switched to voice mail. Not really wanting to leave a message at all, she kept it short. "Hi, um…it's me. Just wanted to …well, I'll try again later."

After finding a spot for Hairy on his wall units, Gil had stretched out on the couch and dozed off. His phone woke him. Groggily, he reached for it and checked the ID. Seeing that it was Sara, he tossed it back on the table. Then the message light began to blink. Picking it up again, he went to voicemail and deleted the message before listening. He tossed the phone down again and settled back into the couch.

A couple of hours later, his phone rang again. This time the ID said it was Catherine. "Grissom," he answered.

"What's cooking for breakfast?" her disembodied voice asked.

"Uh, nothing?"

"Well, you'd better get started. Jim and are on our way over and Jim's hungry." There was an amused quality to her voice.

"Uh…okay. I have to cook?"

"No, actually we picked something up; Jim's favorite, Crispy Cremes. But coffee would be nice."

"Yeah, I can do coffee," he yawned.

The call ended and he headed for the kitchen. Glancing down at his clothes, he realized he had been in them for over twenty four hours and decided a change was in order. He had just finished buttoning up a fresh shirt when a knock came at the door. Hank shuffled off to the door and sat watching it as Gil approached. The dog followed Jim to the kitchen as he carried a Crispy Crème box to the island. "Couldn't make up our minds, so we got a little of almost everything," he groused. "Some people," he said eyeing Catherine, "wanted to taste different things and expect us to share with her."

"Own it, Jim. You're boring…all you want is your plain ole donuts. Where's the excitement in that?" She shot back.

"Hey, I get enough excitement. For breakfast, I want a little peace."

Gil watched as his two friends bantered. He had always been protective of his apartment, his private space and these two just invited themselves in and disturbed his quiet. Normally that would have irritated him. But on this morning, it made him happy. Edging towards the box, he lifted the lid. "What did you do, buy out the shop?"

"If she'd had her way…" snipped Jim.

"Oh come on Jim, it wasn't that bad. Just one of these and one of those and…"

"Yeah, til you had 'oned' me to the poorhouse."

Gil pulled out one item that looked interesting. "A turnover?"

"Yeah, is that the apple or the blueberry?" Catherine asked.

"I don't know," Gil confessed.

Jim rolled his eyes and grunted. "Here we go. She's gonna have to taste everyone of them…"

Catherine pulled out a plain donut and shoved it at him. "Shut up and eat your donut."

"Thought you'd never ask," he said as he took the food. Smiling he stepped away and took a bite.

Gil looked at Catherine. "Half it with you?" he said, pointing at the turnover.

"Deal, Where are your plates?"

Gil moved to the cabinets and pulled out two dessert plates. Then he got mugs for the coffee and put them next to the coffee maker. "Coffee's hot."

"Catherine poured some and handed the mug to Jim, who nodded his thanks. Then she poured her own. Gil took the pot to pour his while Catherine divided the turnover. "Blueberry," she said as she sliced into it.

They ate and talked. Nothing of any importance was said, just friends sharing a meal and enjoying the company. After they finished, Catherine was helping Gil clean up when she realized something was missing from the fridge. "Gil, where's the picture?"

He looked across at the empty spot on the fridge. "I decided it was time to take it down."

"Oh, and I noticed the picture of the team is missing…"

"I have a better one I need to frame and put there."

Catherine didn't comment. But she was guessing the new picture wouldn't include Sara.

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Hopefully this chapter wasn't quite so sad. Also, kudos to TiaRat for getting the Dr. Sidney Friedman connection. Just a blast from the past. I do that occassionally; throw in a name from some random TV reference. But CSI does that too. Phillip Gerard was the name of the cop that hounded The Fugitive all those years ago.


	20. Chapter 20

After Jim and Catherine left, Gil took Hank for a walk. He sat in the park and watched Hank run around. The morning was already warm and he lifted his face up, gazing at the cloudless sky. It felt good on his skin. "More outdoors time," he said to himself. "I want more time in the sun."

Hank finally came trotting up to him, his tongue hanging as he panted. "Tired, boy?" Gil clipped the leash back on his dog and they headed home. Once inside, Gil refilled his water dish and poured some food for the canine breakfast. He had left his cell on the counter and he noticed the light flashing. Checking it, he realized he had another voicemail. It was from Sara. Again he deleted it without hearing the message. He didn't think he could handle hearing her voice right now. And he certainly didn't want to talk to her. The thought of her still hurt too much.

He spent the day catching up on e-mails from other entomologists, something he had fallen behind on with the increased work load. Now he didn't have that problem. He was enjoying the various topics and having something to think about besides how messed up his life had become. During a break, he contemplated that. _What life? He mused. Well, actually three years ago that would be true. _His life had been his work. And then he had given into Sara's pursuit. Well, she wasn't really pursuing him so much by then, but just her presence was a constant temptation. _But I did give in and it was…good. And now….I don't have much of either life left. Now what?_

He glanced at his computer screen. He had lost the mood for the e-mails but decided he should answer some more. At least it would keep his mind occupied with something besides gloomy thoughts. So he sat back at the desk and began clicking.

Sara finished at the shop and headed for her place. With a job, she was able to upgrade her living arrangements and now had an efficiency that was within walking distance. _Need to get my car here somehow, _the thought as she walked along. She couldn't carry many groceries when she walked and consequently had to stop almost everyday to pick up something. Today it was tofu to mix in her casserole.

The grocery store was busy, as would be expected at this time of day and she found that she enjoyed more and more mixing with other people. She had always preferred small groups or no contact at all, but somehow all the people reassured her. She didn't know why she found them reassuring but accepted it. After she paid for her purchase, she headed for the apartment.

She looked around her small lace and it felt good. Slowly little purchases were being made that made it hers. On top of the last purchase, a bookshelf, sat a photo of the team, identical to the one in Grissom's apartment. It helped her feel connected to him to have the same picture. Sitting next to it was a picture of Hank with Gil stoically holding his leash. It had been taken a few weeks before her kidnapping.

Sara went to work on her casserole, wondering why she hadn't been able to reach him all day. Usually he called back when she left a voicemail. But he wasn't usually angry, either. Once the dish was in the oven, she picked up her phone to try again.

Gil had just finished typing his last e-mail when he heard a knock at the door. Opening it, he smiled when he saw that it was Catherine on the other side. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey yourself. I brought food," she said as she held up a bag.

Gil stepped back and let her pass. She set the bag down on the kitchen counter and began to pull containers out. He hesitated at the top of the steps, watching her, a feeling he couldn't identify running through him; but he decided it was a good feeling. Then he winced as his cell phone began to ring.

Catherine glanced up and saw his scowl. He was staring at the phone as if he was expecting it to attack. "Gil?"

He looked at her, fear emanating from his eyes, as he stood frozen in place. "Do you want me to answer?" she asked.

He shook his head. "It might be…her."

Catherine picked up the instrument and glanced at the ID. She saw him tense as she did. Checking the name, she looked up at him. "It's Sara." The phone stopped ringing and he relaxed a little.

"You don't want to talk to Sara?" Catherine asked, disturbed by this new twist in his emotions.

"No," he said abruptly.

Taking the hint, Catherine turned her attention back to the food. "Okay, well…you have a choice between sweet and sour chicken, General's Tsao's chicken, or chicken fried rice. I also got won-ton soup and a poo poo platter."

Gil came down the steps and began shuffling through the food. "Jim's not here to grumble. How about we share some of everything?"

"Oooo, I like the way you think, mister."

Gil retrieved two plates from the cabinet and Catherine began spooning the various selections onto them. "So how'd you spend your day?" she finally asked him as the settled on the stools to eat.

"Answering e-mails mostly. I was behind on the ones that didn't have to do with work. Had several interesting ones from fellow entomologists and one from a friend from college. And I walked Hank, of course. The sunshine felt good."

"Wow, busy day. Is that what it's like to have a normal schedule? I've forgotten."

They chuckled and then Catherine carefully chose her words with the next question. "So, you are avoiding Sara?"

Gil's lighter mood crashed as she asked. "No, I ….yeah, I suppose I am," he admitted.

"Any special reason why?"

"I…" he struggled to frame his thoughts into words. "I think I was waiting, expecting her to tell me when she was coming back. Every call was the same. I would spend the entire conversation with the big question hanging over it. As long as I didn't ask the question, I didn't have to accept that she wasn't coming back. But I have to…accept it, I mean. She has a new job that she seems to like and she sounds happier. I need to let her go. I can't go on waiting; it was destroying me….maybe it has already," he sighed.

Catherine covered his hand with hers. "You're still here, Gil. A little battered maybe, but not defeated. I think you are right though. You need to let go of her. For awhile I hoped you would go after her, but seeing what this had done to you…"

"Yeah…" And then he surprised himself with his next revelation. "You know, I never let myself love anyone like that before. There were people I was attracted to and well, one person I was truly in love with, but I never opened up to it. But Sara just kept at me until finally I let her in."

"Why wouldn't you open up to love before?" Catherine had suspected it all along but was still surprised by his confession.

"I…fear, I guess. Relationships seem so…messy. And I was afraid of getting hurt. Guess that was right."

"Yeah, but…was the happiness of the last two years with her worth the pain now? That's what you gotta look at."

He studied her face as he thought about her question. "Was it to you? I mean, with Eddie and then those other guys?"

"Well, Eddie was the only one I really loved. And I do have some good memories of us together, as well as Lindsey. So, yeah…I guess it was worth it. But if you'd asked me that just after we broke up, I'd probably have said no."

She could see him considering his feelings. "Right now, I'd say no too. Maybe in time I'll feel differently. But right now, it just hurts too much."

Catherine decided to ease the conversation away from Sara. "So, there was someone else you really loved? I'm intrigued. What was she like?"

He gave her a strange look and then a subtle smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Oh, I think you'd like her. She's smart, beautiful, and one of the strongest women I've ever met. She can be very vulnerable at times but even in the worst circumstances, she never gives up. Tenacious, I guess is the word. And even though life has dealt her some really bad cards, she keeps hoping."

"She sounds like I would like her. But it also sounds like you are still in contact with her. Why haven't you ever done anything about her? You said you were afraid, is that all?"

"She…well, she intimidated me for a long time; she was just so beautiful and smart and… dynamic. Besides, she was married."

"Was? So she's not now?"

"No."

"So what's holding you back?"

He looked at his plate as he moved the food around with his fork. "I'm not her type."

"So, you're afraid of rejection? Hell, Gil….what do you have to lose here? I mean, at least give yourself a chance. Get in the game."

He looked up at her and swallowed. "Maybe."

Their conversation moved on to other topics and Catherine was satisfied that he was in a better mood when the phone rang again. He checked the ID and saw that it was Sara. Tossing it down, he sighed.

Without thinking, Catherine picked it up and answered.

"Hello?"

"Uh…Catherine?" Sara asked on the other end.

"Yeah. Is that you , Sara?"

"Yeah. Um, where's Gil?"

"He's here."

"Can I …I'd like to speak to him."

"Ah, no. He doesn't want to speak to you."

"What? So he's sicking you on me then?"

"No. He was ignoring your calls. I answered to tell you to stop calling. He'll call you when he's ready to talk."

"But I said something the other day and I…"

"I know what you said," Catherine interrupted. "And I know what it did to him. What the hell were you thinking, Sara? It wasn't enough that you ripped him apart when you left like you did, but now you just have to keep shredding him. Leave him alone."

"But I…please, I need to talk to him."

"Well, right now I don't care what you need. I do care about what Gil needs, and that's a little peace. You have no idea what you have done to him. Leave him alone Sara. Let him go."

"But….I"

"What's with you? Everything isn't about you, Sara. Please, don't call him again." And she hung up.

She put the phone down, expecting to feel his wrath. When it didn't come, she risked looking up at him. He was sitting, staring at her. She couldn't read his expression but he didn't seem angry. "Sorry," she shrugged. "Don't know what came over me."

He tilted his head, a crooked smile crossing his face. "You're scary."

"Yeah, well…"

"And amazing."

"Yeah, that's me….Amazing Catherine."

He stood up, collecting the plates. "Well, amazing Catherine, thanks for the supper."

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Many thanks to Sara and Gabriella and EL Gringo Loco (must say, that name intrigues me) for taking the time to review the last chapter! For the rest of you, that was a hint in case you didn't recognize it.


	21. Chapter 21

I really appreciate all the wonderful comments and suggestons from the last chapter. You all gave me a lot to think about. I'm actually writing several chapters ahead of what is being posted and backing up and polishing as I prepare to post. So, many of the details are already written, but all of your comments help me as I polish. So, thank you! I think you are helping me to write a stronger story than I would have otherwise written.

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Sara sat staring at the phone. "That bitch," she exclaimed as she tossed the phone down. "How dare she keep me from Gil?" As she calmed down, she thought about Catherine's rant. "I shredded him?" _I knew he was hurt; Nick told me as much. But shredded? Gil's stronger than that? She just wants him for herself…._

"Nick!" she exclaimed as she decided that maybe he would know something. Reaching for her phone, she called him.

"Stokes," he said as he picked up the phone.

"Hey Nick, it's me."

"Sara? Hey girl, how you doing?"

"Okay, I guess. I've been trying to reach Gil and he's not answering. You know anything?"

"Honey, he's not doing so good. He's on extended leave. There were a couple of really bad cases and then he was involved in a murder investigation…"

"He's always involved in murder investigations, Nick" she said chuckling.

"Not as a person of interest. He knew the woman…was with her a few hours before she died."

"He…was with…her?"

"Yeah, uh…I'm sorry Sara. He, uh…his DNA was there."

"As in semen?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Catherine said he just went for a drink and things escalated. She um, apparently was a pretty …um, persuasive woman."

"He slept with a woman that was murdered a few hours later?"

"Well, from what I've heard, slept with isn't the way it was. I mean, well…IA was investigating possible rape charges against him. Apparently she liked things rough and he, um…well…played along. Seems hard to believe but I guess I'll never really know the man."

"Yeah…I'm beginning to wonder that myself. That doesn't seem like him at all…"

Nick heard the confusion in her tone and wondered if he had told her too much. _You did, stupid. Why did you tell her everything?_ "Hey Sara, you okay?"

"Yeah. I guess that explains why he isn't returning my phone calls."

"Well, Catherine is the only one he seems, I dunno…comfortable with. Although, Jim is spending some time with him too and they seem to be talking a little more. Rick, Greg and I are planning to stop by in the morning to see how he's doing. Catherine says to stay in touch but not crowd him. From what she says, he's really messed up. He has been since you left Sara, but now its worse."

"Why, damn…why didn't someone tell me?"

"You weren't easy to reach, you know. We didn't know he was in touch with you for weeks and weeks. Then finally he said something about having talked to you. But he never said much. We had no idea where you were or anything."

"Yeah, I um…I'm sorry." She thought for a moment. "Do you think I should come there?"

"Only if you are planning to stay. And Sara, if you do come, you won't find the same Grissom as when you left. He's…really different in some ways."

"Yeah, and its my fault."

"Well, I can't answer that, but you can't come back here with some expectation of making him all better. I don't know if he'd even let you near him again. He's hurt and hurt bad. I know if I were in his shoes…"

"Yeah, I get the picture. Okay, thanks Nick. And, thanks for talking to me…not hating me."

"None of us hate you Sara. We just want you to be happy."

"Yeah, thanks."

Sara was in a panic. _He was suspected of rape? What must have done to him…but why was he with someone else? He said he would wait…but that was before I told him to move on. Catherine said he was ignoring my calls; that he doesn't want to talk to me. So what do I do?_

She called Paula. She came over and they talked. "I don't know what to do. He's ignoring my calls and he unleashed that bitch, Catherine on me…well, she's not really a bitch. But she can be. She's just looking out for him."

"Looking out for him? What, she's his mother?"

"No, a friend. They've been friends for years. Ever since he first went to Vegas, I think. She was pretty pissed when she found out about us…at least at first, because he hadn't told her. But then, she seemed to really be supportive. Nick, another friend from Vegas, says she's the only one he's comfortable around right now. Although, there's Jim…"

"So let me get this straight; you told him to move on, so he slept with someone else and she turned up dead. Then he got questioned and they thought maybe he raped her. But he didn't but now he's on some kind of leave and a bigger mess than ever. And his bitchy friend won't let you talk to him."

"Yeah, that about sums it up."

"Well, either you go there and talk to him or you give it up. You can't do much from here, especially with his friends running interference for him."

"I'll talk to Jenna tomorrow and see if I can arrange some time off. "

"About time!"

"Yeah, maybe…"

"What?"

"Nick told me not to come unless I was planning on staying. I can't do that."

"Why not? I mean, if things work out with him…."

"I can't…I've told you why. But I've made such a mess of things. I need to talk to him, try to make him understand."

"Yeah…talk." Paula smirked.

Catherine had left Gil's place and headed home to get ready for work. Jim decided to drop by on his way to work. "Hey Gil," he said as the door opened.

"Jim," Gil nodded.

Not giving Gil a chance to turn him away, Jim walked past him into the apartment. "How ya doin'?"

"Okay," Gil answered warily.

"Good." Jim looked around. "Got any coffee?"

"No," Gil said flatly.

"A drink, then?"

"Ah, should you be drinking before going to work?"

"Yeah, you're right. So what do you have?"

"Water."

"Ah, come on…surely you have something more exciting than water?"

"No."

"Okay, then water." Jim headed for the kitchen.

Gil followed him and pulled a glass from the cabinet. He handed it to Jim. "There's a pitcher in the fridge."

Jim reached in and retrieved the water, poured himself a glass and then put the pitcher back. "Hey, smells like Chinese in here."

"Catherine brought take out for supper."

"Ah…so how was your day?"

"Okay. I caught up on e-mails." They walked to upstairs and Jim sat on the couch. Gil took his chair. "It kept me busy…my mind off of things."

"Yeah…look I know its not the same, but when I, well, after Bell…well, staying busy helped, you know. I mean, anything. I had a killer garden that year. But what helped the most…well, it was you guys and Sofia. You guys treated me the same, you know… I mean, when you looked at me you didn't see Jim Brass cop killer; you just saw the same old guy. Everybody knew I was hurting but no one treated me different. What I guess I'm trying to say is…you're the same guy to me, Gil. I don't look at you and see someone sinister. I see the same guy I've known for years; a little beaten up maybe, but the same guy."

"Thanks Jim. I…" he sighed. "I know since Sara left, you've tried to be a good friend. I haven't been very receptive. Maybe if I had been, I wouldn't be in this mess now…"

"Hey, you're Gil Grissom. You have your own way of dealing; it's just that everything with Sara was too much for even you. But it's going to get better."

"Is it better for you? You still sting from your divorce."

"Yeah, I do. But…yeah, things are better. I don't think it's something you ever entirely get over, but it does get easier. You just gotta give yourself some time."

"Maybe."

"Well okay. Thanks for the water. I'll be sure to bring my own beverage next time," Jim quipped.

"I'll try to stock something more exciting," smiled Gil as he walked Jim to the door. "And Jim,…thanks."

"Hey, I owe you, remember?"

"I don't keep track of those things."

"Yeah, well….you're a good friend Gil. I've discovered that good friends are even better than a wife."

"Just keep telling yourself that," Gil smirked.

Jim stepped out into the hall. "Yeah, all the time." He waved as he walked away.

Gil took Hank out one last time for the night and then settled in to sleep. He wasn't sure why he was tired, but he was and sleep came quickly.

Sometime later, he thought he heard his phone ringing. Startled awake, he fumbled around for it and found it on the nightstand. But it was quiet. "Hmm," he shrugged, "must've been dreaming." Slowly he drifted back to sleep.

His body was quiet but his mind was not. Images flowed through his brain and came together in one long excruciating nightmare; Sara under the car, Sara lost in the desert, Sara in the hospital…

"_You found me," she smiled._

"_It was a group effort. Actually Nick and Sofia were the ones that located you."_

"_But you're here…"_

"_Where else would I be?"_

His mind crept forward…

"_Do you think we should get married?"_

"_Let's do it."_

Then she was kissing him in the hallway at the lab, in front of Hodges of all people….

And then the letter, followed by the phone calls.

_He hurt. His heart was bursting. The pain…oh, the pain. He was crying now, holding his chest, his heart breaking. He could see it, like looking into a corpse with one of Doc's scopes. See, his heart was there, shattered into pieces. _

_Suddenly he was in a waiting room. People were moving all around him, Catherine, Jim, Nick, Warrick, Greg, the lab rats…they all moved in circles around him. He was waiting. For what? Then he realized, he was waiting for her. "I'm sorry Mr. Grissom" the doctor said. "It's terminal…she doesn't love you anymore."_

"_Yes she does," he yelled at the doctor. All the faces surrounded him now, "she doesn't love you anymore…"_

"_But she does…"_

"_Gil, I'm moving on. You should too," she told him. "I'm starting a new life and you aren't part of it."_

"_But…I love you…Sara?"_

"_I told you once that it might be too late. Well, see what it's like to wait…and wait….and wait?"_

"_Sara. Don't go. Please, don't go."_

"_I'm moving on…you should too…"_

"_NO! No", he whimpered._

"_Moving on…"_

"_A drink? You want a drink…no, you want more…"_

"_Elizabeth?"_

"_You know you want it….Give it to me…Harder…."_

"_Elizabeth? No…."_

_Her face morphed into Sara's as he pounded into her, his anger spilling out and flowing over her like water. He pounded and pounded until she lay, lifeless. "Nooooo," he cried. "I didn't mean it…"_

"_Sara…"_

He yelled out loud, waking himself up, startled. Sweat poured from him, soaking his tee shirt and flannel pants. Hank sat on the bed staring at him, whimpering. "Sara?" he said into the darkness.

He heard only Hank's whimpers and the ticking of a clock. He got up and changed clothes. Then he headed for the kitchen. Retrieving the water from the fridge, he downed a glassful. His hands were shaking again. Flipping on a lamp, he went to the alcove in the entry and retrieved one of Sara's boxes. Rifling through it, he found a picture of her. Holding it to his chest, he sat on the floor and sobbed. He spent the rest of the night there, sobbing until he had no more tears and then dozing awhile, only to awaken to fresh sobs.

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Tick, Tock,Tick, Tock...that's the sound of my clock as I sit here typing. Actually, I was trying to think of an original way to beg, but not beg, for more reviews/comments. All that my brain can manage is tick, tock. Oh well. BTW, my tick tock clock makes it's way into my stories from time to time. Sad, huh?


	22. Chapter 22

He was dozing when Catherine found him the next morning. Something had told her to swing by and check on him before heading home. Letting herself in, she almost tripped on him in the floor. "Gil?" She shook him gently.

He began to stir, mumbling Sara's name. Finally his eyes opened and he looked around. Looking up into Catherine's face, tears began to roll out again. "Gil, what's wrong?"

"I…had a dream. I don't know…can't seem to stop."

Catherine hugged him close to her as she settled on the floor next to him. Once again she stroked his back, like he was a child. "Shhh…, it's okay Gil. Cry all you need to. It's nobody here but the two of us to know. Just let it out."

He clung to her as if his life depended on it until the tears stopped. Then sitting up, he looked around, embarrassed. "Sorry," he said as he wiped his eyes.

She ran her fingers through his hair. "For what?"

"Being so weak. A man shouldn't cry like that."

"Who says? You have to let it out somehow, Gil. It's eating you up inside. Doesn't make you less of a man."

He stood up and offered his hand to help her. She felt the tremors as her hand took his. "You're shaking again?"

"Yeah, started in the night."

"You have that appointment today, right?"

"Yeah." He wouldn't look at her.

_Back to that_, she thought. "How about some breakfast?"

"Okay, but I have to take Hank out first."

"Let me take Hank. You cook us up something."

"Yeah, okay. His leash is on the hook."

Catherine grabbed the leash and called Hank to her. She hoped that giving Gil something to do would help him pull himself together. She glanced over her shoulder as she opened the door and saw that he had made it to the kitchen and was surveying the contents of the fridge. _Okay…that's better._ Softly she closed the door behind her and took Hank out for a quick walk.

Mind if I tag along to your appointment?" Catherine asked as they ate.

"I guess it would be okay." He sounded unsure. "But it'll be boring while you wait."

"I'll catch up on my reading. Those waiting room magazines are usually only a month or two behind."

He sighed and finally looked at her for the first time that morning. "Thanks," he whispered.

"Gil, I told you…I'm here for you, no matter what."

"I know. It's just…"

"What Gil?"

"I've never had anyone like that before."

"Like what?"

"Someone who's here for me no matter what." He glanced up at her before turning his attention to a speck on the placemat.

"Surely you had someone? Your parents, a close friend in school…someone."

He shook his head. "No…my Dad and I were close but then he died when I was nine. It was like I was just getting to know him and he was gone. And my mother, she was a terrific woman, strong and independent…some of the things I admire in you; but she was always busy with her business and never really knew or understood what was going on with me. And I never dared cry in front of her. She wouldn't tolerate it. Said she had no patience with tears. I think it was because she was so sad after Dad was gone; if I cried, she would too. I was expected to be the man of the house and look after her in some ways. A man doesn't cry, she would tell me. As for friends in school, I never really had any. My classmates didn't understand me and I had little patience with them or their stupid games. Besides, the couple of kids that I invited over were frightened by my mother's deafness, thought it was weird and so I never invited anyone again. I've always been alone."

"Until Sara."

"Yeah, until Sara. That's why it took me so long to open up to her. I didn't know how."

"And the other woman you fell in love with? Did you ever try with her?"

"I began to open up to Heather but then the investigation got in the way. The trust was broken."

"So Heather was the other woman?"

"No." He was still fascinated with the speck.

"You ever going to tell me who she was?"

"Maybe, one day…" he said. He ducked his head further but then lifted it when she stood up to carry the dishes to the sink. His eyes followed her as she walked away but shot back to the placemat as she turned to walk back to him.

"So, when's this appointment?"

Grissom looked at the clock. "Two hours."

"Okay, get cleaned up and I'll meet you back here in an hour and a half. I need to freshen up too."

"Okay." He quickly cleaned the breakfast dishes and then headed for the shower after she let herself out.

True to her word, Catherine was back in ninety minutes. Gil had showered and was wearing slacks and a button down collar shirt. "You look good," she said as he opened the door for her. "Mmmm, smell good too," she added as she walked past him.

"Since I don't have to work, thought I'd splash on some of the aftershave Lindsey gave me last Christmas."

"Oh yeah…what was it again?"

"Virgin Island Bay Rum," he smirked.

"Oh yeah. Clubman. I'll have to tell her you were wearing it today."

"Yeah, I don't usually like after shave but it has a light scent."

"Yeah, she knew that, tried every sample in the store. Smells good on you; a little hint of a pirate, especially with the beard," she teased.

"Yeah…a pirate." He chuckled.

They drove in Gil's car. He concentrated on the road while she concentrated on him. Subtle changes were happening, between the falling apart. She couldn't ever remember him wearing after shave or cologne. And he seemed more comfortable with her than he had in several years. But the biggest change was that he was talking to her about personal stuff, something he never offered freely before. Well, except for little tidbits here and there. But the last few days he had told her more than she had learned in twenty years. It made her wonder what he would be like once he was able to get over Sara. Would he go back to his reclusive self? Or would he remain open with her? Catherine hoped for the latter.

Gil sat in stony silence for the first fifteen minutes of the appointment. Finally, Dr. Friedman spoke. "Gil, we can sit here for the entire time if you want to. I'll charge you an outrageous fee for the time and you'll leave here just as you were when you entered. Or you can start to talk and maybe make some progress."

Gil looked at him warily. "But you'll still charge the same fee no matter what?"

"Of course. But you'll feel better about writing the check if you think you got something out of it."

Gil looked at him with a sidelong glance. Sighing he began to tell the shrink the facts about Sara. He told Friedman about their secret relationship, her kidnapping and rescue, the revelation of them as a couple, her trouble readjusting, his relief that she was safe, and her breakdown and departure which led to his. And he told the doctor about Elizabeth and all that followed with that. But all he included in his narrative was the details, nothing about his emotional responses to any of it.

"You've had a lot to deal with, Gil. And you've had no one to talk to about it?"

"I have Catherine…and Jim and Heather. But…I don't share much."

"So I gathered. Sounds like you have some good friends who would be willing to help."

"They have been, especially Cath. It seems she shows up when I need someone the most."

"She's the one you went to after you left Elizabeth?"

"Yeah."

"Sounds like you place a lot of trust in her?"

Gil swallowed. "I do."

"Gil, the time is almost up. But first, I'm going to put you on anti-depressants for awhile. This is not a long term solution but simply an aid while you sort through all that has happened. Take these according to directions. No added doses, okay?"

"I understand," Gil said as he took the prescription from the shrink.

"And you can call me if things get out of hand. But I want you to learn to utilize your friends. Talk to them, especially Catherine, since you already trust her so much. Tell them what's going on, how you feel…I know, I know…it's not what you are accustomed to," the doctor said waving his hand at Gil. "But you won't survive if you continue to keep things bottled up."

Gil thought about earlier when Catherine had found him on the floor and realized the doctor was right. "I'll…try."

"Good. Now I want to see you twice a week for a few weeks and then we'll go to once a week and then gradually wean you away. And Gil," he paused. "Eventually you will have to talk to Sara. There are things you need to say to her."

"I know," Gil began to panic. "I just…not yet, I can't"

"That's fine for now. But the day is coming. I want you to start preparing yourself."

"Okay."

"Okay, well…schedule your next appointment and I'll see you then."

Gil met Catherine in the waiting room. "I have to make another appointment."

"Okay, I'm here."

He stepped over to the window and spoke with the receptionist. She made out a reminder card and then he turned back to Catherine. "And I need to stop and fill a prescription, okay?"

"Sure."

There was an ice cream parlor next to the pharmacy. "Gil, let's get some ice cream."

He looked at the shop and then at Catherine. "Let me guess, you'll have the hot fudge sundae."

"You know me too well," she said as she climbed out of the car.

He smiled as she walked in ahead of him. _Maybe I do, _he thought_. I've spent twenty years filing away little details like her favorite ice cream. Maybe it's time to use some of that knowledge._

_ISCREAMYOUSCREAMWEALLSCREAMFORICESCREAM!_

Still more to come. I thought about having Gil play mind games with the shrink, but then this is a man he respects (at least that's the way I think I wrote it), so I decided he wouldn't do that. But it did seem Grissom-like to only give the facts of the events and none of his emotions or reactions. Anyway, agree? Disagree? Think I'm totally whacko here?


	23. Chapter 23

Sara talked to Jenna about time off. "But Sara, you just started this job. I hired you because I need the help."

"I understand, Jenna. And I 'm really sorry. It's just… a friend, actually my fiancé, is in trouble and I need to go see about him."

"You are engaged? Then this wasn't meant to be a permanent position for you?"

Jenna sounded disappointed.

"No, that's not it. I hope this job lasts a long time. I, um…well I guess he's really my former fiancé. We never really officially broke up but I left Vegas…"

"So you left him but now you need to go back?"

"Yeah. I talked to another friend who told me that he hasn't done very well since I left. I …well, I left kind of abruptly and he's had a difficult time. It's a very long story, but I need to go back to explain to him…"

"But you don't plan on staying?"

"No, I can't. Some bad things happened and I just can't stay in Vegas any longer."

"Well, let me look at the schedule and talk to the others and see what we can arrange. But at best, I can only give you a few days."

"That's all I need. Thank you."

"Check with me again tomorrow morning."

"Okay."

On her lunch hour, Sara tried to call Gil again, hoping he would pick up.

Gil was at the ice cream shop when his phone rang. Looking at it, he saw the caller ID and put it back in his pocket. Catherine looked at him quizzically but said nothing.

They had ordered the Mega Sundae and each was working from an end towards the middle. There were three cherries and Catherine was determined to get two of them. Gil had already eaten one and scooped the second one when he saw the expression on her face.

Responding to her disappointment, he asked "want my cherry?"

Caught off guard by his loaded question, Catherine started laughing, chocolate syrup and ice cream dripping out of the corner of her mouth.

"What?" he asked, flashing an innocent look.

"You know what…and I think you lost it a long time ago."

"Catherine!" He exclaimed in mock shock.

"Oh come on Gil, you knew what you were saying…."

A sly grin crept across his face and then disappeared as he looked at her intently. "You always make me feel better."

"I do?" Surprise covered her face. "I thought I frustrated you most of the time."

"You do, sometimes; but even then you make me feel better."

"Well, we are friends. Friends are supposed to make each other feel better."

"I know, but…" he swallowed and looked up at her, his eyes pleading for understanding.

And Catherine did understand. Like a ton of bricks, understanding descended on her. She was the other woman he had fallen in love with but had never had the courage to say it. She was the one that intimidated him and the one he thought would never be attracted to his type. Her eyes widened as she grasped it, sending battling sensations through her. Fear and excitement intermingled as she contemplated the enormity of her epiphany. "Gil?" she said hesitantly.

Tears glistened in his fear filled eyes as he waited for her response. He knew she understood; he could see it in her eyes.

She reached across and covered his hand with hers. "Gil?" she said again.

"Cath, I…there's so much I want to say, but it's too soon. I'm still too confused and lost."

"I know. Go slow, Gil. Take the time you need to heal. Decide what you want to do about Sara; if there is still a chance for the two of you. And when you are ready, we'll talk. I'll be here."

"You….there might be…" he swallowed, trying to find words to express his hope and his fear. "I might have a chance?" he asked, his voice barely audible.

Still covering his hand, she squeezed it. "Gil, there's a reason I haven't had a decent relationship since I dumped Eddie. Oh, I've been attracted to a few guys and one or two even seemed possible. But, there was always this other guy…"

He sat, mesmerized by her eyes and her words. He felt blood rushing to his head as overpowering emotions threatened to explode. Staring at her, he couldn't believe what his ears were hearing. He had a chance with her. Maybe he could be her type. Maybe…

"You okay, Gil?"

He nodded affirmatively but couldn't seem to find a voice. She waited, patiently holding his hand and gazing back at him. Finally his emotions began to settle and he found his voice. "I'm trying to pull myself together, Cath."

"I know. And you will. But you need to take your time. It has to be right for both of us or it won't work. And you still haven't resolved things with Sara. So for now, we're friends. And we'll be patient and see what the future holds."

"Okay." His tension was palatable as he stared at her, wide eyed and apprehensive. There was a childlike quality to his gaze. _How does he do that? The man is over fifty and alternates between looking stodgy, smoldering hot, and a little boy._ Then he smiled at her, visibly relaxing. Just then her cell phone rang.

"Willows."

"Hey Catherine. It's Jim. Is Gil with you?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"We have a suspect in Elizabeth McDuffie's murder and we think maybe Gil saw him that night. Do you think he'd be up to coming down and checking him out?"

"I'll ask; hang on." Covering the mouthpiece, she explained to Gil what Jim was asking. He said he could do it. "Yeah Jim. We'll be there in about twenty minutes."

"Okay, thanks."

They drove to LVPD and Catherine went inside with Gil. Vartann was still the detective on the case and met them outside the interrogation room. Catherine noticed Gil tensing up as they approached the detective and put her hand on his arm to try to comfort him.

"Grissom, Catherine," Vartann spoke. "We'd like to do a line up."

"Yeah, although besides the bartender, all I remember is some guy coming out of her office as I was going in."

"Good. It's that guy that we're interested in. Seems she had just fired him and he was making all kinds of threats."

"Oh…"

"So, you know the drill, right?"

"Yeah, I know. Let's just do it."

A few minutes later five men were led into the line up room. Gil stood behind the glass, watching each one as he entered. "Number four," he said without hesitation.

"You sure?"

"Yes, number four. He was the one I saw leaving her office."

"Grissom, will you be able to testify about it. I mean, there will be questions about what you were doing there."

Gil turned to Vartann and stared at him with contempt. "I'll survive. He's the one I saw. If he's the killer then I'll testify."

"Okay then. Thanks."

Gil couldn't get out of the room fast enough. He bolted down the hall to Jim's office where Catherine was waiting. "Need to go," he said as he appeared in the doorway.

She stood up, concern filling her face. "Gil?"

"Please, I need to go."

She looked back at Jim, worry showing in her features. "Okay. Thanks for the company Jim," she said as she stepped out into the hall. She had to hurry to keep up with him. Once they were outside, he stopped and took a deep breath.

"Gil?"

"In there, with Vartann. It was like the interrogation again; I could feel his accusations."

"Gil, he knows you didn't…"

"He knows what I did. He knows that I'm a rapist. God Cath, how can I ever expect you to…how could you ever…after what I did to her. You should despise me."

"Gil Grissom! Stop it. I don't despise you. And you aren't a rapist. We've talked about this before. I know you aren't proud of what happened and you shouldn't be, but you are being too hard on yourself. You've said in the past how you don't want others to judge you; stop judging yourself. Things got out of hand and you went too far, but she was fine when you left…happy even." Her voice was firm and frustrated.

He stood there, blinking as her apparent anger hit him. "There's no reason to be angry," he snapped.

"I'm not angry Gil. Well, that's not true. I am angry that you won't let go of the guilt. You are guilty of being human, Gil. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. For the first time in your life, you are down in the muck and mud with the rest of us mortals and you don't like it. Geez Gil, sometimes in life you just get dirty. You can let it consume you or you can get up, clean off, and start again."

He stared at her, feeling hurt and confused, afraid and hopeful, and yes, dirty. _Is it really that easy? Can I just get up and clean it off and move on? _Looking into her fierce blue eyes, he knew he wanted to; he wanted it more than anything. He clenched his jaw and nodded at her. Then he pulled his car keys from his pocket and began walking to the car.

Catherine stood, watching him. She wasn't sure if she wanted to ride with him or not. She _was_ angry. _Why is he being so hard on himself? Why won't he let it go?_

He got to the car and turned to face her. His eyes fell and his shoulders slumped. Sighing, he got in the car. She turned and walked back into the station. Gil started the car and headed home, peeling out of the parking lot.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Please, pretty please...with cherries on top; reviews?


	24. Chapter 24

He walked into the apartment feeling rage. Hank took one look at him and cowered behind the furniture. Gil believed he had only himself to blame for what was happening to him. _He _had gone to Elizabeth's that night. _He_ had lost control and taken things beyond anything in his personal experience and so all of his anger was directed at himself. Vartann knew what he was; only scum treated women like that. And Vartann knew he was a coward too. But something in Vartann's question about testifying woke Gil up to how far he had descended and now he was angry at himself for letting it happen. Gil walked down the steps and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. Calmly he drank the contents of the glass and then stood, staring into the bottom of the glass. Without thought or warning and completely on impulse, he threw the glass at the wall, smashing it on the wall and watching as shards of glass flew. A swipe of his arm cleared the counter top and he picked up a stool, smashing it against the counter until it too broke into pieces. Just as he picked up the second stool, the door opened and Catherine walked in with Jim behind her. He stood, stool in the air above his head and glared at her. And then he crumbled, dropping the stool and falling to the floor.

Jim was the first one to him. As he knelt, Gil shoved him away knocking Jim backwards onto the floor. Catherine stood a few feet away, unsure of what to do. Jim recovered quickly. "Look Gil, if that's the way you want it to be, I'm ready to go toe to toe but I promise I'll give as good as I get. You're not the only one here that's pissed right now."

"Go away and leave me alone," Gil sneered.

"No, I won't. And Catherine's not leaving either. You're stuck with us. We're here until we decide you are okay."

Gil looked up at Catherine and saw the fear in her eyes. His own eyes widened at the realization that he was frightening her and something inside him broke; as quickly as the rage had come upon him, it was gone. He sank back against the cabinet and sat staring across the kitchen.

Catherine moved closer. "Gil, where are the meds the doctor gave you?"

He fumbled in his pocket and pulled out a small bottle. She took it from him and read the directions. "Have you taken any?"

He shook his head 'no.'

Stepping through the debris, she got another glass of water and walked back to him. She opened the bottle and took a pill out. "One pill, twice a day, it said" She handed him the pill and the glass of water. He took them from her and downed the pill.

Jim walked over and held out a hand. "Come on, let's get you out of this mess."

Gil took his hand and Jim helped him up. He stood still, head down and looking defeated. "Catherine, I'm going to take Gil to his room and help him get cleaned up. You want to get started out here? Then we'll come back and help."

Catherine nodded and then watched as the two men made their way to Gil's room. She found a broom and began cleaning up the debris. When the men returned, Jim walked over to Catherine and took the broom from her. Handing it to Gil he said, "It's your mess, clean it up."

Both Catherine and Gil were stunned by his abrupt manner but Gil took the broom and began to sweep. Jim turned to Catherine. "Don't you have to work tonight?"

"Yeah, but…"

"Then you need to go home and get some sleep. I'll stay here with Gil."

"But what if…"

"We'll be fine. You need to sleep. We'll see you tomorrow."

Catherine stared at Jim, unsure of what he was intending, but decided to trust his instincts. "Okay, yeah…I am tired. I'll see you guys in the morning."

Jim poured himself some water and stood at the sink, watching Gil clean up the mess. Once the glass was up and everything had been put back on the counter, Jim looked at his longtime friend. "Feel any better?"

Gil put the broom back in the broom closet and answered, "no."

"Catherine says you won't talk to Sara?"

"I'm not ready."

"When the hell you going to be ready?"

"What?"

"Look Gil, it's not the same but it kind of is. When everything got all messed up with my wife, I avoided her for days. But you know what? It didn't solve anything. And in the meantime, I just kept wallowing in self pity…yeah, had myself a real pity party, me and several bottles. All I had to show for it in the end was a massive headache and lots of trash. So finally I went to talk to her. And guess what? It was ugly. It was one of the worst conversations I've had in my entire life. But you know what? When it was over, I knew what I needed to do. And I could start living again."

Gil looked at him thoughtfully.

"Look, I don't know what all is between you or not between you and Sara. But I do know this; you won't solve anything by avoiding her. You're just going to keep digging yourself deeper into this black hole until you can't get out." He paused, wondering if any of what he was saying was sinking in. "Dammit Gil, you have to talk to her."

Gil sat on the remaining stool and stared at nothing. But Jim could see his wheels beginning to turn as his mind processed what had been said. Deciding to leave him with his thoughts for a few minutes, Jim walked up to the couch, Hank following. Jim played with the dog for a few minutes to let Gil have some space.

They were eating supper when Gil's phone rang. Jim watched as Gil took a deep breath and reached for it. He stared at the ID for a moment and then answered. "Hello,"

"Gil, please don't hang up." Sara sounded worried.

"Okay."

"I want to talk to you. Can we just talk for a few minutes?"

"Sara, I….okay."

Jim smiled and headed for the couch, where he picked up a magazine, trying to give Gil some space.

I'm not sure how things have gotten so screwed up, Gil. But I talked to Nick and he told me what's been happening. Only I get the idea there is more that he doesn't know about. Are you okay?"

"Okay?" Gil thought about the past couple of days and once again anger began to rise in him. But he fought it down; he wanted to keep his head clear. "No, I'm not."

"Honey, I'm sorry. This is my fault."

"No…I …things just happened. One minute I was thinking one thing and then suddenly I was thinking something else. I should have had better self control."

"Gil, Nick said you …slept with that woman?"

"Her name was Elizabeth. And yes, we had sex, if that is what you are trying to ask."

"I'm not sure what I'm trying to do. It just didn't sound like you."

"It wasn't me…but it is now."

"What does that mean?"

Gil remained silent, trying to focus his mind into cohesive thoughts. He wanted to make her understand. "It means that I've changed."

Now Sara was quiet. Finally, "I asked for some time off to come see you. Jenna, my boss, is going to let me know tomorrow morning."

"Okay," Gil said carefully.

"I'll let you know when I'm coming as soon as I know."

"Okay. Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"How long are you planning to stay?" His tone was flat, almost detached.

She sighed on the other end of the line and Gil knew her answer before she said it. "Only a few days."

"Well, we need to talk."

"Yeah, we do," she sighed.

"So you'll call me when you know?"

"Yeah, sometime tomorrow."

"Okay, Bye."

He could hear a tiny gasp on her end and then, "yeah, bye."

Gil put the phone on the counter and stared at it. "Okay, I'm not avoiding her," he said over his shoulder to Jim.

"Good. Now, we got the Mets and the Cubs or the Dodgers and the Rockies…."

"The Cubs…I like cheering for the underdog."

Jim slept on Gil's couch that night and made sure Gil took his medication the next morning. After they finished breakfast, Jim headed for home to change and go to work. Gil walked Hank, took care of some household chores, made a list of what he needed to replace after his rampage the day before, and then pulled a new murder mystery off the shelf that he hadn't had time to read. Just as he became engrossed in the plot, his phone rang.

"Grissom."

"Hey, it's me."

"Hi Sara." He knew how he sounded, flat and unemotional. But he decided that for now that was the best he could do.

"I..um….I got four days off. I'm flying in Wednesday night and have to fly back Monday."

"Okay."

"Um…I still have my apartment. I'll need to move everything out while I'm there. But I guess I could sleep there…"

"Yeah, beats a hotel, I guess."

Sara was disappointed. He could hear it in her voice. But he didn't want her to stay at his place; it just didn't feel right. Besides, what if he lost his temper again? He was angry; angry at himself, angry at her, just angry. He didn't want to unleash it on her; he hadn't gone that far over the edge.

He could imagine her nibbling on her lower lip like she sometimes did when she was trying to find the right way to respond to a difficult situation. Somehow the image didn't illicit the same warm amusement that it had in the past.

"Yeah," she said finally. "I'll plan on that then. Do you still have my car at your place?"

"Same place you left it," he said a little more tersely than he'd intended.

"Okay, good. Can you meet me at the airport Wednesday night? The plane lands at 8:15."

"At 8:15. Yeah, I'll be there."

"Gil, I…well, I'm looking forward to seeing you."

"Yeah." He knew he should say something else, but his mind was blank. He wasn't sure if he was looking forward to this or not, so he remained quiet.

"Gil, you sound…drugged."

"Ah…yeah, the psychiatrist gave me something to help. It kind of has a numbing effect, I'm discovering."

"You're on medication? For what?"

"Depression."

He heard the small whimper from her end of the connection. "Gil, I'm…sorry. I'm so sorry."

"We'll talk when you get here. I..I can't do this over the phone. I'll see you Wednesday night at 8:15."

"Yeah, Wednesday night."

Gil closed the phone, not wanting to get involved in some farewell statement like 'I love you' or 'I miss you' and he knew it was coming. He didn't want to hear it. Not today.

Jim went with him to his next appointment. Catherine had gotten caught up in a case and was pulling a double and Jim had the day off. Gil was somewhat relieved anyway. After he had almost revealed his feelings to her, he had been avoiding being alone with her. He wasn't ready for the rejection that he was sure would come. He marveled that she was still willing to be his friend; how could she ever look at him as anything more after what he had done?

Dr. Friedman asked a few preliminary questions, more having to do with how he was handling the medication than anything. Somewhere in the midst of his answers, Gil conveyed that Sara was arriving in Vegas the next night.

They talked for a few minutes about Gil's feelings about seeing Sara again.

"Once she hears the whole story, she's going to despise me too," Gil commented.

"You're sure of that?" asked the doctor.

"Wouldn't any woman? That's not how men are supposed to treat women."

Gil that night….why did you do what you did?"

"Catherine says I'm only human and I had to let the anger out somehow. Elizabeth was willing …so she doesn't seem to see a problem." Gil paused for a minute as her words wormed their way through his mind. Then he continued. "Human? All my life I heard how I was smarter…how I was better….whatever any of my classmates got into, I was better than that…Whatever trouble the kids in the neighborhood got into, I was better than them.. .And when Dad died, I had to be the man of the house…be my mother's protector, defender. I was nine years old!

No one would tell me why he died. You know how I found out? When I was working at the coroner's office I looked up the death certificate. No one would tell me anything for ten years. In the meantime, who was there for me? Losing Dad was…he was more than a father, he was my friend….my only friend. He understood me when no one else did. I cried myself to sleep every night for months but no one heard. No one ever knew. I swore I would never be hurt like that again. And I wasn't…not until Sara…when she left, it was like I was back in that miserable place again and no one knew. I was hurt, feeling broken all the time on the inside and no one knew. And I was so angry. And I'm still angry. And I can't let go, it won't let go of me. I can't be…I don't want to be that man that assaulted Elizabeth…even if she was consenting. I'm supposed to be better than that. I'm the protector, not the attacker. And Sara, I'm not supposed to be angry with her. But if she were standing in this room right now, I swear, I'd strangle her. She hurt me dammit. And damn me because I let her do it," He was yelling now, his anger boiling up again. "I let her in. I knew it wouldn't last; knew how it would end, but I let her in anyway." Pausing for a moment, he added an afterthought. "That just isn't me…all the anger, the tantrums…the uncontrollable rage." He sat staring at the doctor, waiting for a response.

Dr. Friedman looked at him thoughtfully. "So who are you angrier with, Sara or yourself?"

"I don't know…me I suppose; because of the way I treated Elizabeth."

"Do you think you might do it again…to Sara maybe?"

Gil's head shot up as he glared at the doctor. "Sara? NO. I …I don't think I even want to…Anything physical would be more than I can handle right now. I need tot talk to her…nothing more."

"What if she has different plans?"

Gil hadn't thought of that. He wasn't sure why he hadn't; it seemed so obvious once the doctor voiced it. But the idea of intimacy frightened him, especially with Sara. After all, he had been angry about Sara when he went to Elizabeth's. He contemplated the possible consequences of being alone with her and cringed. "I…she'll have to change her plans," he sighed.

They talked awhile longer and then Dr. Friedman handed Gil his card with a phone number jotted on the back. "I rarely give this number out," he told Gil. "But that is a direct line to me, no service and no office receptionist. If you think you're going to hurt her…or yourself, call me." His eyes met Gil's as he emphasized the last few words. "I don't think anything like that is going to happen, Gil. But I want you to have the security of knowing that you can call me if you feel that you are losing it, okay?"

"Thank you," Gil said as he took the card. His relief was evident.

Jim and Gil rode back to Gil's place in silence. Finally, once inside the apartment, Gil looked at his friend. "I'm a big boy, you know. I don't need a babysitter."

Jim chuckled. "No, you don't. Okay, I get the hint; I'll go back to my lonely house and play with my bugs. Oh, wait…that's you, not me. I'm going to knock down a beer and watch the hockey game I recorded the other night."

"Thanks Jim" Gil said gimacing. "And I promise, I'll call if …well, if I start falling apart again."

"Okay, be sure you do." And the detective was gone.

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I can't tell if folks just aren't in a mood to review, if you just don't know what to make of this, or if I've made everybody mad. I'm still getting hits but little in the way of reviews:-( All the wonderful feedback was keeping the juices flowing but now, I'm fumbling. Guess I'll keep typing though in hopes that someone will let me know something.


	25. Chapter 25

Wednesday night came and Gil stood outside the gate at the airport waiting for Sara. He was excited and nervous. Part of him was happy she was coming, but part of him dreaded it. He didn't trust his reactions, nor did he trust his feelings. He still loved her, but it wasn't the same. The joy in loving her was gone and had been replaced with hurt and insecurity. And Gil Grissom did not like either of them.

Finally he saw her emerge from behind the security gates and stepped towards her hesitantly. It was an awkward reunion, neither knowing quite what to do. Sara felt self conscious and although she wanted nothing more than to fall in to his arms, she held back. Gil was afraid to touch her, so he simply smiled instead. "Hello."

She grinned back at him, perplexed. She had wondered what his reaction would be and had played many possible scenarios through her mind. This wasn't one of them. He took her carry on from her, careful not to close his hand over hers as he lifted the bag from her hand. "Anything checked?" he asked.

"No. I decided I left enough clothes here that I didn't need to bring so much, so I packed light."

"Okay, well….the car is that way," he said nodding towards a door just across from where they stood.

She walked with him in silence. _He seemed happy to see me but why is he so cold? A hug would have been nice…_

_She looks tired,_ he thought. _Still not sleeping… _"You want something to eat or should I just take you to your apartment?"

_Straight to my apartment? What the hell am I doing here? He's more distant than ever…_"Could I go see Hank first," she asked hopefully.

"No," he answered firmly. "Tomorrow…not tonight."

"Oh…right. I suppose you have to get to the lab…"

His sigh saddened her. "I'm on medical leave, Sara. I'm not allowed to go to the lab, not to work anyway."

"That's not fair…Ecklie's just trying to…"

"Help me. Conrad did it to help me; to make me get the help I need. I'll explain it all tomorrow, but please understand Sara; I am not the same person that you left all those months ago. Some things have happened and…I've changed."

Sara stared out of the window of his car, watching Vegas as they drove to her apartment. She remembered Paula telling her that Vegas was just a city…buildings and concrete, like any other city. It was the people in the city that made the difference. And for Sara, the most important person lived in Vegas. Sara left because she had to get away from the worst that Vegas had to offer. And she needed to settle old ghosts. But she had discovered that the ghosts were within her, not in San Francisco. Now she was wondering if in trying to find herself, she had killed the best thing in her life.

He carried her bag to her door and waited while she opened it. They stepped inside and she looked around. It was just as she had left it.

"I stocked a few things in the fridge," Gil told her. "I wasn't sure what you might want, so it isn't much."

"I'm sure it's fine," she said. "Um, I guess I can pick up my car tomorrow and then I can get more if I need it."

"Yeah…I'll call you in the morning."

"Yeah…Gil?"

He looked at her, his eyebrows lifted.

"Should I have just stayed in California?"

He glanced down, collecting his thoughts before responding. Finally he looked at her. "I'm glad you came. We need to talk. There are things I need to say…explain."

"Right…tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," he said He looked around the room and then back at her, feeling oddly unemotional. Having expected to be upset, he was surprised by his lack of emotion. Looking into her eyes, he saw her disappointment but it was a clinical observation on his part. He felt nothing as he looked at her. _Is it the meds, _he wondered. _At least I'm not falling a part in front of her. But I expected to feel…something. I think I am hurting her…maybe I should just go. _"Well, if you think you have everything you need for the night, I'll head back to my place."

"I should be okay," she assured him. "But I was hoping we could spend some time together tonight. I don't have much time here and…"

"I know, but…I have to go slow Sara. Things are…" he paused, trying to find the right words. Sara watched him, becoming aware of his hesitancy and confusion. "I am somewhat erratic right now; it's complicated. But I get overwhelmed easily. I've been…nervous all day about seeing you and," he paused again, looking at his feet and swallowing as he collected himself. "And I'm tired now…and when I get tired it is more difficult for me to," another pause as he sighed, "keep it together." He wouldn't look at her but kept his eyes lowered, waiting.

"Gil, I'm sorry. I didn't think me coming to see you would be so difficult. I just want to help; I thought me being here might do that." She watched as a tremor ran through him and he shuddered. "Gil?" She could feel him withdrawing further from her but she didn't understand why.

With a voice so soft she barely heard him, he spoke. "I wanted to go see you," he whispered. "I …needed to see you. But you didn't want me to come there. I…waited but you never came and you still wouldn't let me go there. I…" his jaw clenched as he fought for self control. "I missed you so much. And then you sent your letter of resignation and I knew you weren't ever coming back. And then you sent me that letter, telling me to move on. And I tried…"

"Gil, I'm sorry. I should have warned you about the resignation letter. I just thought I should take care of that loose end. Honey, I can't come back to Vegas. There's too much here that hurts."

Gil slowly looked up at her. "But I'm here too. I thought…." He sucked in a deep breath. "I hoped that would be enough for you. That we could," he clenched his jaw and shut his eyes tight as he finished, "you know….We were going to get married. I …" His eyes flew up to her face and he glared at her. Pain and fear mixed in his expression. "I can't do this now. Tomorrow," he said. Then he made an abrupt exit through her door.

Sara watched him leave, wondering about everything that he had not said. _What has happened to him? He didn't sound like this in our phone conversations. _She furrowed her brow as she thought about his demeanor. _He looked so hurt…did I do that to him? _She sat on her couch and spotted a picture of him that she had kept on her end table. Picking it up, she looked at it, touching her fingers to his face. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't know…"

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Okay, so Sara's back. Now what? You'll just have to keep reading and find out. But you know, reviews make me type faster (that's a hint, in case you didn't get it)


	26. Chapter 26

Gil sat in his car outside her apartment for a long time. As he stared up at her window, he felt so empty. The emptiness bothered him as much as his fear of hurting her had bothered him. And then he realized what he was doing, why he felt empty. He knew it because he had done it so often in the past. He was so practiced at it that he didn't even realize he was doing it; he was burying his feelings and hoping they would go away. Sighing deeply, he closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on what he did feel, exactly. _Sadness? Yeah…I feel sadness. Why? You should be happy, she's here isn't she? You can talk to her. You could hold her if you wanted to…you could…NO, stop…don't go there. _He clenched his jaw as he decided those particular feelings were best left buried for now. _But what about the sadness? Am I sad to see her? No…I was happy to see her walk off the plane, I think. _Tilting his head, he followed that line of thought. _So why didn't you hug her? You were so hesitant. But you know why, don't you, you coward._

He glanced up at her window again. _She's still awake. You could go back up there…_

He watched as her shadow moved across the window and suddenly, without further thought, he stepped out of his car and headed back up. Like metal being drawn to a magnet he walked quickly, taking the stairs in twos. Once again he was at her door and he heard, rather than felt his knocking.

Her door opened and she stood looking at him expectantly. It felt like those days before they had finally found their way to each other, before he found his way. She stood there hoping and he stood there hesitating. Then he did something he hadn't had the courage to do back then; he stepped into her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into a hug. "I'm glad you are here," he whispered into her ear, getting a whiff of her scent that was so wonderfully familiar. He held her for a moment and then he let go, turned, and hurried away.

Left standing in her doorway, Sara smiled. At least that was behavior she recognized. _That_ felt like Gil Grissom.

Catherine stopped by his place for their usual breakfast, half expecting to find Sara there. But as he answered the door, it was apparent that he hadn't slept for other reasons than having an overnight guest. "You look tired," she commented.

"I am," he said as they walled to the kitchen. "Couldn't sleep."

"You and Sara talk?"

"Not really. It was…awkward. I'm going to call her later and, well…she wants to see Hank. We'll talk then probably."

Catherine stepped in front of him, put her hand on his jaw and looked straight into his eyes. "Gil, you hinted at something the other day. And I told you then that you need to sort things out with Sara. I want you to understand something. If you decide that she is what you want and need and you two can work things out, I will be happy for you. I want you to be happy, understand?"

Holding up his end of the eye contact, he swallowed deeply and asked hoarsely. "And if she isn't? What then Catherine?"

"Then you and I have some talking to do." Her smile was subtle.

His eyes widened. "If I choose Sara…you would wish me happiness and move on, just like that?"

"Isn't that what you said about Sara? That you just wanted her to be happy? Think back to when she was dating Hank…if they had gotten together, wouldn't you have wished her happiness and then stepped back and let her go?"

"I was trying to do that when they were dating. I think it hurt her even more. I always seemed to be hurting her." His downcast eyes hid his pain.

"Well, you aren't hurting me. I'll admit there have been times when I just wanted to knock you over the head because you are so clueless and there have been times when you have said things that hurt, but if you decide on Sara, I won't be hurt. Disappointed…but not hurt."

"Disappointed?" His eyes met hers once again.

"For myself, not for you. I'd be happy for you." Her hand was resting on his shoulder now, her thumb stroking the side of his neck.

His hands went to her waist and he whispered a breathy "Catherine," as his lids began to droop and his eyes clouded. His lips were tentative on hers, tasting the tartness of her lip gloss and relishing the softness of the contact. Her felt her relax into him as if the two of them kissing was natural to her. His lips relaxed, effectively ending the kiss yet they remained on hers, the heat of her breath on his face. He tilted his forehead to rest on hers as their breaths intermingled and a gentle warmth flowed through him. He stood there, his hands still on her hips, drinking in the sensation of her so near to him.

"After the last few days, what I did and how I've …behaved; how could you…"

"Love you?" She whispered. "I've loved you for so long that it has become a part of me. It is more of a question of how could I not love you. And the answer is simple; I simply cannot. No matter where you are or who you are with, I will love you."

"I have to…need to spend the weekend with Sara. There are things we need to say. She flies back on Monday. Spend the day with me?"

"Monday?"

"Yeah, after she leaves; spend the day with me, please?"

"Okay, I'll take the day off. But if you change your mind, I'll understand."

"I won't. I think I'll have a lot to tell you on Monday."

"Okay, then it's a date," she grinned. "I'll write it on my calendar."

They hesitated before separating. "Maybe we should do something about breakfast." she quipped.

"Ah, yeah," he smiled, his eyes lighting up. "Breakfast."

They ate together, the silence punctuated by an occasional comment but each was filled with their own thoughts. They were comfortable together, a feeling that had evolved from years of similar rituals. Gil glanced surreptitiously at her several times, feeling lighter than he had in days. He felt strength flowing back into him also. The man having breakfast with Catherine Willows was someone he recognized.

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I see my not so subtle hint after the last chapter sparked some action on the review page. So that's how it works, I guess. You treat me like one of Pavlov's dogs and feed me treets and then I type more and post faster. Hmmm, it could work!


	27. Chapter 27

This one is kind of long but it needed to be one chapter, I think.

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The next morning Gil called Sara and they planned for him to pick her up before noon. She spent the morning packing her things and arranging to have the boxes she wanted to keep shipped to San Francisco. The Salvation Army was coming to pick up the things she no longer wanted.

They ate lunch at a little vegan bistro near her place and then headed for his apartment. "Hank knows something is up," he commented. "He'll be happy to see you."

She smiled. "I've missed him."

Hank was very happy to see her. He leapt into her arms as soon as she walked through the door. Gil grabbed his leash and the three of them headed out for a walk and then he watched as Sara and Hank played in the park. She seemed happy, running with the dog and rolling in the grass with him. Finally the two stopped rolling and she lay still on the grass, the big dog flopping his head onto her abdomen. A flock of birds flew by and Hank jumped up to chase them. Gil chuckled as he watched them, a little envious at her ability to play with Hank like that. He had given up on running with the boxer, his knees unable to keep up.

She walked to him on the bench and sat beside him. "I forgot how much energy he has," she said as she caught her breath.

"Yeah…I have to walk him a lot."

"You could run with him," she suggested.

"No, I can't Sara. Ten years ago…five years ago, maybe. But my knees are too old for that now."

"Old?" she laughed. "You're not old."

"Not yet, but I feel it coming. Ten more years and I can retire if I want to. Funny, I never used to think about retirement but now…I find I'm looking forward to it."

"I can't imagine you just sitting around being retired."

"Oh, I won't. There are things I'd like to do. Travel some to places I haven't seen. Maybe be a consultant or maybe teach a few classes at the university. And write a book. I've always wanted to write a book."

"You've written lots of things for the journals. Any books to be developed out of those articles?"

"Possibly. But that's not the book I want to write."

"So what, then?"

"A murder mystery." His eyes gleamed at the thought. "A 'who done it' full of twists and turns…surprises."

She chuckled. "Well, with your experience as a professional, you'd have plenty of material to work with."

"Yeah, I would," he grinned.

Hank came bounding back to them, panting and drooling as he looked from one to the other. "Time to go back, buddy?" Gil asked.

Never one to simply wag his tail, Hank wagged his whole rear end as Gil attached the leash. The trio walked back to his place and for a few minutes, Sara felt like the past few months had never happened.

They walked back into his apartment and in the past this would have been the point at which one or the other of them would have initiated a hug or even something more. But Gil simply headed to the kitchen to check Hank's water bowl, leaving Sara standing upstairs. "Want something to drink?" he called from the kitchen.

"Thanks, just ice water would be great," she said as she headed down. Moving to the end of the island she sat on the stool. "Gil, where's the other stool?" She looked around as she asked.

Gil had just finished pouring her water and stopped momentarily. Sighing deeply, he answered. "Ah, it got broken," he said sheepishly.

"Broken…wow, that was a pretty sturdy stool."

"Yeah, I sort of…smashed it," his voice fell off at the end making it hard for Sara to hear. But she did hear.

"You what?"

Gil put the water down on the counter in front of her and stared at it for a minute. Then he began. "Sara, when you left, I was heart broken. I understood some of why you needed to get away. And I had seen you slowly melting down; I just didn't know how to help you. I suppose that I was so relieved that you were safe that I missed some of what was actually going on with you. But when you left, in spite of the letter saying good bye, I hoped you would come back."

He paused and looked at her, trying to gage her reaction. She was simply nodding.

"I threw myself back into work, pulling doubles on top of doubles until I got sick. You remember when I got sick, right?"

"Yeah, you sounded awful."

"I felt awful. But by then we were talking somewhat regularly and e-mailing and I was surviving. Then your resignation letter came followed by your letter to me telling me to move on. And then you were starting that new job, and you seemed really happy with it. I realized that you weren't coming back. I had been waiting, all that time I had waited, hoping you would call and tell me you were coming home. It hurt to realize you weren't ever coming home."

Sara put her hand over his on the counter. "I'm sorry, Gil. I didn't handle things very well. I really screwed it up, didn't I?"

Looking at her hand, he sighed. "So, I tried to move on. Catherine and even Heather told me I should find a new interest, a new hobby; something to challenge me in a different way…get my mind off of…things. I joined a little community theater group and…I was enjoying it. I was going to be a helper backstage. They do Shakespeare and, well…it suited me." He looked back at her face.

Sara chuckled. "Yes, it would."

"That's where I met Elizabeth. I wasn't looking to date her or anything; I just missed …I don't know, companionship? She owned a women's club, complete with male dancers and invited me there for a drink. At least, I think she invited me, I may have invited myself. It just sort of…happened. So one night I went there, just for the drink and to talk to someone different."

"You went to a club with male dancers?" Sara looked more than just mildly shocked.

"Yeah," he nodded, "but I went to meet her in her office. We had the drink and were sitting on her couch and then," he looked at her hand again, "then we were kissing. I didn't go there intending to kiss her, but there we were. And something inside of me …I can't explain it exactly…Rage overwhelmed me and it was like some monster deep inside of me was let loose. Next thing I knew I had her on her desk and I was…" tears began to roll down his cheeks. "It was consensual, Sara; but what I did was the equivalent to rape." He didn't look at her, he couldn't. He just stood there, waiting to hear her response.

She knew that there had been suggestions made about it; Nick had told her as much. But hearing it from him surprised her. Shock and sadness flowed through her as she watched him waiting for her to say something. "Tha…that's not possible Gil. You aren't capable of that," she finally choked out.

He shrugged. "Apparently, I am. It wasn't until Doc Robbins ran the clock during the autopsy that it became clear that she had consented. And she was murdered a few hours after I left, so I was a suspect for a little while. It was as if something inside of me broke."

Tears were in Sara's eyes now as she contemplated the situation. This quiet gentle man had been driven to commit such a vile act. Her actions had set the wheels in motion to unleash the very worst in him as his always carefully controlled emotions ran amok. Sara shuddered as she realized that she; _she _had done this to him. "Gil, I…how…Babe, why didn't you tell me what you were feeling. I don't know, maybe we could have figured something out…"

"Figured something out? Sara, you told me not to come to visit you. You refused to come here. What was there to figure out? You told me to move on. If we had _figured something_ _out,_ it would have been a lie...a compromise to try to hold something together that was falling apart. You needed to get away from the job; I understood that but I'm not ready to give it up just yet. Ironically, Hodges expressed it to me a while back. He said that you had to give it up and that I wasn't ready; I still like to figure out the puzzles. He was right. And I'm too old to start out in a new department. There are things about the Supervisor's job that I don't like, but I've made peace with them. And I get to work the cases I want to work for the most part. I like my job and I like who I am when I'm doing it. It is a part of me; it always has been. You know that. But just getting away from the job wasn't enough for you, you had to leave Vegas too and I never understood that. It meant getting away from me and that's the part that was killing me. I hurt, Sara." He could feel anger rising and he fought to contain it, but some spilled out anyway. "It hurt more than anything else has ever hurt me, dammit! In getting away from everything else, you left me too. You left me to try to pick up the pieces. I risked everything for you, to be with you. I was willing to trade shifts to make it work at the lab after our relationship became known. I put my career on the line to be with you," he yelled at her. Sara stared at him, finally beginning to comprehend the depths of his hurt and despair. "Sara," he said forcing himself to use a calmer tone, "because we broke the policy, I have a permanent notation in my jacket. The issue hadn't been closed when you left. They assumed that we broke up and that I made you leave, that you were angry with me and that's why you disappeared."

"No, I left because the cases were getting to me and because I needed to settle my past. You were the only thing that made me try to stay. That's not fair."

He sighed. Looking at her he replied. "It is…what it is, Sara. I have no ambitions for higher rank, so it won't matter. But if they ever decide to try to find a reason to get rid of me, it will be one of the nails in my coffin. Obviously, the other things that were pulling you down couldn't be offset by me loving you. I thought we were going to get married, that we would spend the rest of our lives together. It …" he closed his eyes as a wave of despair washed over him. "I was so happy about it; I thought you were too."

"I was. I meant what I said in the letter. You were the only home I've ever known."

"Then why did you leave me Sara? Why did you leave your home?"

"I thought…I could feel it happening. I was falling apart and it scared me that you might have to watch it happen. I knew that you wanted to help. I was afraid that watching me implode would destroy you. I couldn't bear the thought of that… of destroying you too"

"I did want to help and I would have done everything possible to help you, if you had just told me what was really going on. Instead you tried to minimize what was happening to you. A door was closed in my face, Sara and you wouldn't let me in. And when you left, it did nearly destroy me. It was like I was slowly dying on the inside, the life draining out of me… If Jim and Catherine hadn't been here to try to hold me together…"

"I'm glad they were here to help you."

Gil smirked. "Jim gave me what for a couple of times. And Catherine, she's been…well, more than I had a right to expect from our friendship."

"So you said you were seeing a psychiatrist?"

"Yeah. I have another appointment tomorrow. Either Jim or Catherine will go with me…just in case."

"What if I went with you tomorrow?" She smiled as she asked.

Glancing at her face, he replied. "No."

"Why not?"

"They know how to make me pull it together. Sometimes when I leave his office, I…well, I don't know how I'll behave. They know how to deal with me. I need that."

"Oh. You don't think I could help you"

"Sara, when I'm like that…when the rage overtakes me, I want to hurt someone."

"Me? It's me you want to hurt?"

"Yes…no….I don't want to hurt you but when I lose the self control, when all of the emotions boil over, then yes. I get very angry with you."

Sara began to cry. "I'm sorry. I had no idea…I thought I was saving you from pain and I made it so much worse. Please…can you forgive me?"

Tenderly he wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I already have," he said quietly. "But it is something I need to renew each day. And this doesn't all have to do with you, either. It seems I have a few ghosts of my own and when you left and I felt…abandoned, they rose up inside of me."

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "Is there any way…could we ever go back to…"

He smile was a sad one. "I don't think so, Honey. Loving you used to be my greatest joy. But now, it is my deepest pain. And I don't think that will just go away; not anytime soon anyway."

She began to cry again. He pulled her to him, hugging her, hoping to provide some consolation. She lifted her head to look into his face when she felt his tears drop onto her head. Repeating his motion from earlier, she used her finger to wipe away his tears. "I'm sorry, so very sorry."

"Me too. I think we could have been very happy together. Paradoxically, it took me almost losing you in the desert to make me realize how much I loved you and needed you. And it was that experience that took you away from me."

She sighed, her pain and sadness almost too much to bear. "I think I should go back to my place now…you know, finish packing and all," she said meekly.

"I'll drive you."

"No, um, just let me have the keys to my car. I'll be okay."

He opened a drawer and pulled out her keys. Handing them to her he said, "I'm sorry that I can't be stronger for you, Sara. I hope you can find someone who can be that for you."

She looked at him, love filling her eyes. "You were strong enough Gil, until I took hope away from you. I should have trusted that you would wait for me, that you would have done whatever I needed you to do for me. I was afraid of letting you see me so vulnerable; my lack of trust nearly destroyed us both."

"Sara, I'll be okay and so will you. We'll both be okay, just not okay together."

"Yeah…" She headed up the stairs and out of the door. Gil stood beside the counter and watched her go. Sadness filled his heart and yet, the darkness of his despair began to lift and he was beginning to see light ahead. He was no longer waiting for Sara. He could finally move on and eventually, he would be whole again.

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So, what do you think? Yes, all you wonderful GSR fans, I know you are disappointed. But still, what does _everyone_ think?


	28. Chapter 28

Sara did go back to her place

Sara did go back to her place. As the boxes filled, the rooms felt less and less like her space and she became uneasy. Each item placed in a box was one more step away from Gil, away from home. She thought about the events of the last year. Remembering how upset she was when Gil spent the night at Heather's, she smiled. It was so like Gil to go charging off like the white knight that he was and rescue the damsel from herself. And the extra effort he put into finding her granddaughter and talking to her ex about letting Heather see the child; if he was capable of all of that for a friend that he didn't often see, why couldn't she have trusted him more? Sadness welled up within her as she pondered that question.

Looking at her cell phone, she considered calling Paula, but then realized her friend would be asleep. So she did the next best thing; she called Nick. He always seemed to understand her.

"Hey Sara," he answered the phone in his Texas twang.

"Hey. How are you?"

"I'm good. You?"

"Mmmm, not so good," she replied.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry to hear that. What's goin' on?"

"I um…actually, I'm in Vegas."

"Really?" He sounded excited. "You gonna let us have a chance to see ya?"

"I wasn't sure if anybody _wanted _to see me?"

"You kiddin? Things haven't been the same since you left. Griss, well…if you're here then you've seen for yourself. And Catherine had been out of sorts, and Warrick, man he's all messed up. And Greg, oh man…Greg was really down for awhile."

"What about you Nicky? Did you miss me?"

"Everyday girl…everyday. But look, hey, we're getting together at Pete's before shift. Come join us?"

"Everybody?"

"Well, not Gris. And Catherine is kind of iffy. Sometimes she goes over to check on him before the start of shift. He's been pretty messed up and she and Jim take turns keeping tabs on him. But the rest of us will be there."

"Okay, Pete's then. Thanks Nick."

"For what?"

"Just…being a friend when I need one."

"Hey, you've been there plenty for me…"

She remained quiet, thinking about her years at the lab and the friendships that had come to mean so much to her. Sensing her loneliness, Nick spoke again. "So what are you doin' now?"

"Packing."

"Aw Sara, you don't have to do that."

"Yeah, I do Nick."

She heard his sigh and then he asked, "So how about some help?"

"Well, I'm almost done, but…I could use a little company?"

"On my way…"

Sara smiled as she closed her phone. It would be good to see Nick again.

Just as Sara finished her call to Nick, Jim Brass was knocking on Gil's door. "Look, I know you are on leave and all," Jim said as Gil opened the door for him to enter, "but I need your brain on this case I'm working."

"Jim, you know I can't go near a crime scene…"

"Yeah, yeah…just let me tell you about it and you tell me what I'm looking for, okay?"

Gil nodded and the two men sat on his couch. Jim opened the file and began explaining the case. "So this guy was found out on off of Blue Diamond Road near Spring Mountain State Park. Looks like his car was abandoned near an old trail that leads up to a canyon. Apparently he followed the trail 'cause we found him in the canyon. Thing is, he was shot, bled out right there at the scene. But we can't find any sign that anybody else was there. The day shift has been over and over it…not tracks of any kind and the ground is pretty soft there, so you would thing some trace would have been left."

"Can you tell what kind of weapon was used?"

"Doc took a .38 slug out of him, so it wasn't a high powered rifle or anything like that."

"How long had he been there?"

"Doc said about 24 hours probably. Hard to tell with the hot sun and all, but that's his best estimate. One other thing; autopsy showed that he had eaten within two hours of his death, so he wasn't there long before he bought it."

"Car reveal anything?"

"Not yet. They are going over it again, but it looks like he still had gas and nothing seems out of the ordinary."

"So this guy makes tracks into the canyon, gets himself shot and dies there but there is no sign that anyone else was there with him?"

"Right?"

Gil stared at the crime scene photos intently. "It looks like he was near a low spot within the canyon?"

"Yeah, Park Ranger said it fills with water when it rains but then dries quickly. Creates a swirl, he said."

"Did it rain there last night?"

"Ah, I don't know…let me check with the ranger." Jim pulled out his phone and dialed the number for the ranger. After a brief chat, he closed his phone. "Well, I'll be damned…he said they did have a quick downpour in the early hours of the morning."

"A helicopter."

"What?"

"You're looking for a helicopter. It landed in the low spot. The rain would have washed away traces of its footprint, leaving the swirl pattern behind. The shooter stood at the opening, see…here," Gil pointed to a spot on the aerial shot of the scene. He's close enough to your vic to talk and to shoot. Then he headed back down the embankment, got in the chopper, and left. The rain came later and washed away any trace of him."

"So how are the vic's footprints still there?"

"They are on higher ground, less sand, more soil and rock. It holds up to the quick rain better. In the low spot, it appears to be mostly sand and sediment, much softer and washes away easier in the water."

"Wow, thanks." Jim smiled as he gathered up the file.

"Yeah, but you would have figured it out on your own, Jim. Even those half wits on Days would have figured it out eventually."

"Don't be so sure…about the half wits, I mean. And yeah, I might have come up with it, but meantime the shooter gets farther and farther away. I need to get moving on this, but I appreciate your help."

Gil saw through his friend's attempt to distract him by pulling him back into the action; giving him something to think about besides Sara. "Thanks Jim," he said meaningfully.

"No, hey…thank you." Jim stopped at the door and turned. "Oh, hey…how are things going with Sara?"

"She's at her place packing." Gil answered dispassionately.

"And taking her stuff…"

"Back to California."

Jim nodded, sadness written in the lines of his face. "Geez, I'm sorry…"

"So am I, but I'm also relieved," Gil said honestly, surprising even himself.

"Relieved?" Jim was worried by Gil's response.

"Yeah…you were right. It was a terrible conversation, but I can start to live again."

"Sometimes it sucks, you know?"

"What? Living?"

"Being right." And with that Jim was gone.

Sara opened the door to Nick's smile and her day seemed better. She had a few more boxes to pack and had them sorted but not stacked in corners. Nick stacked while she packed.

"So Sara, you seen Grissom yet?"

"Yeah," she said sitting down on one of the stacks. "You were right; he is pretty messed up. I can't believe everything he told me; I mean, I believe it but…"

"Yeah, not like him at all. But then, with a guy like that, you never really know what's going on inside anyway."

"Nick, he's one of the gentlest souls on the planet and even he was capable of brutality. Kind of makes me think it all is just hopeless."

"Aw Sara, you can't think like that. I mean, we're all human; we all have our limits. And underneath our civilized exteriors, we're all just two legged mammals, animals. And when animals are hurt, they do strange things sometimes."

Nick paused and then launched into a story. "When I was a kid, I had a friend Joey. Now Joey had a dog, a terrier mix, a mutt really. She was so gentle. She followed Joey everywhere. One summer she had puppies and Sara, you've never seen a better mother. She was funny to watch; she'd nudge the bigger ones away and let the runt have more time to nurse. And when they were older, she led them around, making them walk in single file. If one got out of line, she'd pick 'em up by the scruff of his neck and gently shake him and then put him back in line. And whenever Joey was having a bad day or was hurt, she's be right there, concerned."

"Well, Joey got another puppy and his little terrier mothered that one. She raised him just like he was her own. After he was about a year old, Joey was playing with both of them and the pup bit her; drew blood. That little mama dog went nuts. She picked up that pup, which was as big as she was by then and threw him across the yard and then pounced on him like he was her next meal. Joey kicked her off the pup and she turned on Joey, nearly biting him. She wouldn't have anything to do with Joey or the pup for days. She had given them all of her love, you see, and then they hurt her. She pined and pined until finally Joey couldn't take it anymore. He just sat on the ground next to her and cried."

"What happened?"

"The darnedest thing; she nudged her head up under his hand in his lap and just stayed there, her big eyes looking up at him sad like and all until he started petting her."

"Awe, that was a cute story…but fess up, you were Joey, weren't you?"

Nick gave her his 'aw shucks' look and smiled. "Yeah, I was. But the point is, when she was hurt by the two creatures that she loved the most, it made her do things that she normally wouldn't do. People are like that too."

"Yeah. We talked, you know. I mean…._the talk_."

"So ya'll are over?"

"Yeah." She sat for a moment silently remembering his words. "I asked him if we could ever, you know…get back together. Only he read my thought before I even finished asking."

"I hate it when he does that."

Sara smirked. "Yeah, it seems like he's always way out ahead of the rest of us. But he said…he said that loving me had been his greatest joy in life and now it was his greatest pain." A tear rolled down her cheek as she remembered that moment.

"He actually said that to you?"

"Yeah. And…well, he wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful. He just wanted me to understand that he couldn't go back. I think I broke something in him Nick. I wonder if he will ever be the same man." She looked up, sorrow spilling from her grief filled eyes.

"I don't know about being the same, Sara. Loving you changed him and not all in bad ways either. Looking back, I can see where he got more comfortable with people because of you. Somehow you brought him out of himself. But I think he'll find his way back. In his own oddball way, he's one of the strongest men I know. Maybe that's part of the problem; he's been too strong for too long."

"Maybe," she said, not quite convinced.

"Hey, if you're all done here, what's say we wash up and go meet the others?" Nick said, trying to distract her from her grief.

"Yeah, I'd like to do that…see the gang." She smiled.


	29. Chapter 29

Sara enjoyed seeing the team again at Pete's. She noticed that Warrick seemed tired and distracted. Greg was bubbly, more like his old self than he had been since the Demetrius James incident. And Catherine even joined them for awhile.

"So tell us about your new job," Catherine coaxed.

Sara smiled and began talking about the shop. She told them about he co workers and about the little science experiments she would do with the kids every two or three weeks. "And I'm finding that I'm actually pretty good with kids," she said triumphantly. "I never felt comfortable around them before."

The group laughed as Nick remembered, "Yeah, I seem to recall something about you locking a little girl in the car, but you left the window cracked."

"I had you guys going there for a moment, though; you gotta admit it," Sara laughed. As she sat there with the gang, she thought about how good it felt to laugh again.

Catherine checked her watch a little while later. "Oops, I get moving. Hey Sara, it really is good to see you. And I'm glad the job is working out for you. Send me an e-mail when you get back. Let's stay in touch, okay?"

Sara smiled at the older woman. "Yeah, I'd like that Catherine. I…well, I've really missed you guys."

Catherine hugged Sara. "Take care of yourself; you're one of a kind." Then Catherine hurried out of the door.

Sara watched her leave and was touched by a tinge of sadness. "I always thought she kind of …hated me," Sara commented to no one in particular.

"Who Catherine? Naw" said Nick. "She just…well, she's always been a little territorial about Grissom, you know; kind of like a sister. She knew there was always something going on between you two and she didn't want him to get hurt. When it all came out about you two, she was pissed at first, more at him for not telling her than anything. But when she realized how happy he was…she jumped on board."

"Yeah, he was …happy. And I ruined it."

"Sara girl," Warrick's mellow voice intoned, "don't be doin' that to yourself. Natalie ruined it for both of you. Nobody could go through what you went through and not be changed. Gris understands that, even through the hurt. And I think there's a part of him that is furious with himself for not being able to protect you."

"Yeah, but he couldn't have known…"

"Yeah, but its Gris," Greg joined in. "He's used to being the one pulling the strings. I mean, he's done that for all of us; guiding us, protecting us when things weren't going so well, and fixing the messes we keep getting into. He's the one that told me to get my own lawyer for the James case. He said the department would be looking out for themselves and I needed someone looking out for me. When I told him I couldn't afford one, this guy called me out of the blue. Said he'd take the case at a discount because he thought I was innocent and he didn't want me to get railroaded. I know Grissom was behind it, he had to be."

"Yeah, and after the Gribbs case, well you remember, Sara…" Warrick looked across at her. "You investigated it and so you know better than anyone my role in her death. But he took the heat for me, well…after Brass did, although I didn't understand it at the time. But when they told Gris to fire me, he said then he and Brass should get fired too because we all played a part in it. Then he protected my sorry butt while I proved myself again to the department. And this latest stuff, well…you don't know about it Sara, but I was a suspect in a murder and downing some pretty heavy pills. I was all messed up. He smoothed it all out for me…made it so I could come back."

"Yeah," she smiled. "He told me a little about it…"

"All I can tell you is that when I was in that box under the ground and ya'll uncovered me and I saw him there…he looked so scared. And he knew the thing was wired and I was panicking and could make it blow any second. But he was scared for me. I don't think it even occurred to him that if I made the thing go up, he would go up with it too. He just kept talking to me, getting me to calm down. And then he pulled me out, risking getting blown up with me. And dammit, he even covered me with his body. I know some of the uniforms think he's a bit of a coward because he doesn't like guns, but I've seen different. And the time that suspect held a gun on me and I thought she was gonna shoot, I'll be honest; I about pissed in my pants over that one. But he was right behind her, calm as he could be as he talked her down. No, he's no coward; he's one of the strongest men I know."

"Hey guys?" Sara asked.

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favor…do him a favor; tell him what you just told me. He's feeling pretty low right now, pretty down because he couldn't help me with my problems. He needs to hear all of that from you guys."

"Maybe," said Greg. "But it won't really matter to him."

"Why not?"

"Because, as much as we might mean to him, you mean so much more. If he had to choose, you'd be the one he'd choose to help and he couldn't."

"But he did…it just didn't turn out like either of us hoped for."

"Then _you_ tell him, Sara," Nick encouraged. "Tell him how he helped you."

"Yeah, you're right. I owe him that."

Catherine headed for Gil's after she left the group. As predicted by Nick, she went by to check on him before the start of the shift. He let her in and sat on his couch, having said nothing.

"You okay?" she asked him.

"No and yes," he half smiled.

She tilted her head and looked at him puzzled. "That's a clear answer," she said sarcastically.

"Sara and I talked."

"And?"

"And she left to go pack."

"You're not helping her?" Catherine asked, sure that she was packing to move in with him.

"Didn't seem like a good idea. We both needed some space to accept it."

"Accept what?"

"We're….over. It's official now." He sighed heavily.

"So, I'll repeat my question…you okay?"

A deep breath escaped as he contemplated his answer. Finally his blue eyes focused on hers. "You still plan to spend the day with me Monday?"

"Yeah?"

"Then I'll be fine." He smiled, but it didn't quite wipe the sadness out of his eyes.

"Gil…"

"Yeah," he said gently.

"You still need time…"

"I know." He swallowed as a tear sat in the corner of his eye. "But you give me…hope."

She took his hand in hers. "I'll give you some time, Gil. But I won't wait forever."

"I know. It's the way it should be. The last few months have taught me that." He paused in thought and then continued. "I can't rush things, Cath. But…Sara taught me not to drag my heels either."

"Okay then…we'll talk, in the right time."

Gil smiled and looked away, as if remembering. Then he whispered, "Better three hours too soon, than one minute too late

"Let me guess, Shakespeare, right?"

He smiled again as he looked at her. "Yes."

She shrugged and smirked at him. "Wise man. But Gil, when it is time, you'll know. Just be sure that you do something about it, okay."

"Right."

She turned to leave and just as she made it to the door, he called her name. She turned and looked across the room at him, instantly struck by the intensity of his gaze. His body language betrayed eagerness, his stance upright and pitched forward. As they did so often when he was thinking, his fingers were flexing at his side nervously. He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again and a slight grimace flickered across his face. She looked into his eyes and read the unspoken words; the words he wanted to say but wasn't quite ready to utter, the words she longed to hear. And she saw his disappointment in himself. "Its okay, Gil," she breathed. Smiling, she confidently added, "I'll be here when you are ready."

His eyes lit as he made a step towards her and then stopped.

"Be thou the rainbow to the storms of life!  
The evening beam that smiles the clouds away,  
And tints to-morrow with prophetic ray!"

Grinning, she responded. "You really know how to make a girl's night…"

"Not me, Byron."

Catherine chuckled, watching the twinkle in his eyes. "Well, you make a good team. I'll talk to you tomorrow." And then she left.

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Well, the last chapter must have stunk because only one person reviewed and I know you guys are too nice to flame, so you just didn't comment. Either that or since I didn't beg, you didn't review. Hope this chapter gets a better response.


	30. Chapter 30

It was Sara that showed up at Gil's the next morning about breakfast time. He opened the door expecting Catherine and was surprised to find Sara there. "Oh, good morning," he said, trying to hide his disappointment.

"Good morning to you too," she grinned. "I um…talked to Catherine and told her I'd take over the breakfast duties while I was here."

"Oh, well…I'm so glad you ladies decided who I would be spending breakfast with, without consulting me," he said grumpily.

"Aw Grissom, don't be like that…" she smirked. "You always were grumpy though when you first woke up, so I should have expected it."

"I am not," he insisted, pulling himself up to his full height and glaring at her. His posture only made her laugh.

"Oh, hey…I met the gang last night for a bite to eat."

"Let me guess, you guys met at that wonderful monument to bad cuisine, Pete's?" Gil was rattling pans in the kitchen as he spoke.

"Yeah, but it's not _that_ bad…"

"This from a vegetarian who doesn't eat the shoe leather that they pass off as meat," he smirked.

"Well, I wasn't there for the food anyway," she fired back haughtily.

"So how are my former children doing anyway?"

"Your what?" she snickered.

"A long time ago Catherine made a comment that a family was forming around me; she included you, by the way. Then a few days after that Nicky was being particularly whinny; it was when he was in his whinny stage, I commented to her how childish he was being. That started a whole thing about the younger CSIs being my children, since I tended to mentor you guys and at times take on the parental role."

"Well, that explains why you had such a difficult time seeing me as dating material. Must've seemed like you were committing incest or something, huh?"

He stopped and looked at her thoughtfully. "Yeah, a father is not supposed to have the thoughts I was having about you at the time." Then he ducked behind the counter in search of a different pan.

"Well, if you were the father, Catherine was definitely the mother. Nick and Warrick…and even Greg used to go to her all the time for motherly advice."

Gil's head popped back up. "Yeah, she's good at that. Even mothers me from time to time."

"So, _Daddy_…what's for breakfast?"

"You didn't answer my question," he said looking at her.

"Oh…they're okay. They miss you," she smiled.

"Yeah, I'll bet they do. Warrick is staying out of trouble?"

"I thought Catherine would have kept you up to date with them?"

"She does…some. But she doesn't want me worrying about them; she wants me to concentrate on …well, getting better."

"Ah, the mother strikes again."

Gil's grin made her think that he agreed. Actually, he was thinking about what his getting better might mean for the parents of the graveyard shift.

"So Gil," she drawled. "When the guys and I were talking, I realized something."

"You miss them?"

"Well, that too. But, I think part of the reason you are so angry is that you feel like you let me down; that you should have been able to help me more."

Gil froze midway between the fridge and the counter, holding a carton of eggs and staring at her. "I did let you down."

"No, you didn't. You couldn't have known that Ernie Dell wasn't the killer; he confessed. And there was certainly no way you could have predicted Natalie taking me in the garage. You and the team did everything you could to find me, just like with Nick. And, just like with Nick, you found me in time. You were there for me…."

"Yeah, but…"

"Gil, when I was drinking so heavily and when I got into it with Catherine and Ecklie and got myself suspended, you were there for me. You stepped way out of your comfort zone to help me pull it together. And then, after Adam Trent held me down with that shard against my neck and you showed up on my doorstep the next day…my whole world suddenly got brighter. The time I had with you, it …it made everything I had gone through before seem, I don't know, like worth the pain just so I could get to the part of my life with you in it. You made me feel…whole. For the first time, I knew what happiness is. You didn't let me down, Gil. You made me see that life is worth living. All the time under that car and wandering in the desert; I was fighting because the thought of you gave me the strength to keep fighting."

He carefully set the eggs on the counter and took a deep breath. "Then I'll ask the question again, Sara. Why did you leave me?"

Staring at the eggs, she pondered the question that had plagued her since she left. "Because the ghosts of my past were stronger than my love for you." The quiet truth in her statement hung in the air between them.

"And you couldn't trust my love for you to be strong enough for both of us," he said with a dead voice.

She looked up into his sad quiet blue eyes and sighed. "At some point in time, I have to be strong enough for me; otherwise, I'm only half a person. I need to learn how to do that Gil. I need to defeat my ghosts; you can't ride to my rescue and do it for me. I let you rescue me several times and I should have been strong enough to rescue myself. I did some pretty stupid things over the years, always pushing the boundaries, trying to see just how far I could push. And when I got in over my head, you were there, rescuing me."

He clenched his jaw as he thought about what she was saying. "But I thought, that …I thought being there for you gave you the strength to find yourself."

"It did; but then I depended on you too much. I let you carry the load… It just felt so damned good to have someone who loved me enough to do that for me."

"I wanted to…"

"I know. And I let you but it was wrong of me. I needed to learn to carry my own load. You warned me a long time ago about finding balance in my life or I would burn out. That's not how you said it, but that's what you meant. And instead of learning to balance, I leaned on you…way too much."

His head was tilted and he was wearing his thinking expression. She couldn't tell exactly what he was feeling but she could tell that he had not thought about _them_ in that way before. "After I left, I was a basket case for awhile. And I did what I have done for a long time, I depended on you. I called you every time I started to feel sad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because it kept you from finding your own way out of the mess. I can see that my calling and e-mailing gave you false hope that I would come back here. And I guess, if I'm being honest, I kind of hoped you would pack up and move to where I was…"

His head shot up and his blue eyes bore into her. "You _wanted_ me to come there?"

"Of course I did. But I knew it would be a mistake. I have work to do to fix me, and you… well it would have been a totally bad move for you. You said it yesterday; you aren't ready to leave here."

"No, I'm not. I can't lose that part of me."

"So, please…don't think you ever let me down. If you did anything wrong at all, it was that you propped me up for way too long."

Gil looked at her with an odd expression. "What?" she asked.

"Maddie Klien said something awhile back, after the Alverez case. We were in her office and she said I was the only man that had never let her down. She said I was either her enabler or her soulmate." He furrowed his brow and continued. "I know I'm not her soulmate…"

"Gil…no," she chuckled. "I can't imagine anybody as Maddie Klien's soulmate."

"So…I was your enabler?"

Sara reflected on his question. "Yeah," she drawled. "I suppose in some sense you were. But … your love and care, it … well, it was the most wonderful gift. I guess I just overdosed on too much of a good thing."

Sara could see Gil's mind at work, His brow was furrowed and he had a far away look. "Well, are you going to fix breakfast," she asked, "or do I need to order out?"

He glanced at her, still distracted and smiled. "Pancakes coming up."

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So maybe they can still be friends? Maybe? Lol. So reviews, everybody. The beast needs feeding.


	31. Chapter 31

The early morning conversation with Sara left Gil asking some difficult questions. He sought answers in Dr, Friedman's office. "Am I an enabler?" he finally asked after explaining the talks with Sara.

"What is an enabler, Gil?"

After a pause to consider his answer, "I suppose in the simplest definition, it is someone who helps others make things happen…"

"Is that the definition you want to use in asking your question?"

"Someone recently told me that I was either her soulmate or her enabler. I really didn't feel very good about the concept of me as an enabler; I suppose I took it in the worst connotation. Often enablers allow the people that surround them to continue negative behavior, even support it."

"True. Is that what you did with Sara?"

His eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed as Gil contemplated his relationship with Sara. "I…thought I was being supportive of her. She had such a terrible childhood and she had no one. She is so passionate about things and capable of so much love, but doesn't know what to do with it sometimes. I thought I was helping her find balance with all of that."

"So you entered into a relationship with her to help her?"

"No, I've loved her almost since I first met her; but I didn't know what to do with it for a long time. I'm not very good with this stuff and she's younger and I was her supervisor and…"

Dr. Friedman sat patiently, waiting for Gil to continue.

"She said something to me…said I couldn't ride to her rescue, said she needs to learn to be strong for herself."

"Sounds like she is figuring some things out for herself."

Pride showed in Gil's smile. "Yeah, she's pretty good at that."

They talked a while longer about Sara and then Dr. Friedman asked, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you still feeling angry?"

"Not as much. As much as it hurts to acknowledge that Sara and I are over, it …I am feeling somewhat relieved also. I'm not waiting anymore."

"But you are worried that you may have been an enabler for her. That's a question that only you can answer, Gil. The answer will take some time and some reflection but it is there, inside of you."

Gil left Friedman's office feeling better than he had in months. He finally was getting some answers; pieces to the puzzle were falling into place. There were still many questions, but he had a trail to follow and knew what he was looking for.

Jim was in the outer office, grumbling over a Sports Illustrated story about hockey. "What's wrong? Your team lose?"

"My team didn't even show up," Jim growled. Then looking askew at his friend, Jim commented. "You look…better."

Gil smiled. "I feel better, Jim. I feel better than I have in a long time."

While Gil was with Dr. Friedman, Sara was having a late lunch with Nick. "So, you okay?" he asked her.

"It is hard, Nick…seeing him like this and knowing I did it. He says there are other things going on too, but…my leaving, I know it triggered it all. I wanted to keep him from being hurt and I hurt him more."

"Sara, you were hurting too. I'm just sorry we didn't realize how much and didn't do more to help you. We all felt like we had let you down somehow."

"No one let me down; I didn't let any of you in. I kept it from everyone. I'm working on getting better, though. Getting away from the constant reminders of my childhood helps."

"Reminders of your childhood?"

"Yeah, well…you know sometimes I kind of…overreacted to abuse cases or cases involving children? Well, I grew up in an abusive home. My Dad, he…." Her voice dropped off as her mind travelled back.

"Oh Sara, I'm so sorry," Nick said quietly.

"It was worse for my mother, but my brother and I, we both ended up making trips to the hospital too. I thought it was normal until…until later when I was in foster care. My Mom…killed my Dad. She spent years in a mental institution after that."

"Wow Sara…I knew there were things from your past, but I had no idea. No wonder those cases got to you. What made you decide to be a CSI? I mean, I know I wouldn't want to have the violence constantly thrown in my face if that was in my background."

"I thought that it would be a way to, I don't know…heal? Maybe make up for some of the pain? And sometimes it did. And when Gil and I finally got together, it was…well, for awhile, I felt whole. And then it all began to unravel. I realize now that I was depending too much on him for my happiness. I need to learn to be happy with just me; then maybe I can be happy with someone else."

"Yeah, I think I understand."

They finished lunch and then headed out. Nick walked her to her car. "You gonna be okay alone at your place?"

"Yeah. Thanks Nick."

"Hey Sara…maybe…"

"Nick?"

"Well, I was thinking. After you go back, let's stay in touch…regular like, you know. Regular phone calls and e-mails. Maybe I'll even come see you sometime?"

"I'd like that." She smiled. "I'd like it a lot."

Gil's phone rang later in the afternoon. Picking it up, he was mildly surprised to hear Nick on the other end. "Hey Gris, you got plans for tonight?"

"Ah…well, there's this article I wanted to read and a piece on the Discovery Channel about…"

"Yeah, I thought so. We'll be over about 7:30 with food."

"What? Wait…._we_?"

"Yeah, we decided you've been hiding out long enough so Warrick and Greg and I are coming over. You like Mexican, right?"

"Mexican? Yeah, it's okay. But…"

"Good then. We'll see you later."

Gil stared at his phone. Then he began to get a little nervous. Catherine and Jim at his place so much had been unusual, but somehow comforting. But the younger guys…Gil was a little unsettled at the prospect.

Sara's phone rang a little later. "Hey Cookie."

"Jim?" She smiled into the phone at the sound of his voice.

"Yeah. I gotta tell ya Cookie, I'm a little hurt."

Sara's heart plummeted. "Hurt? I'm sorry. What did I do?"

"It's what you didn't do, kid. Everybody else had gotten a chance to visit with you. I'm feeling a little left out here," he chuckled into the phone.

"Oh Jim, I am sorry. I…"

"It's okay. How about dinner? My treat."

"Dinner sounds great, but you remember that I'm a vegetarian?"

"Right. The Steak House is out."

Sara snickered. "I know, I'm difficult."

"Hey, I'm not complaining. What time should I pick you up?"

"What's good for you? I'm easy."

"Hey don't be saying that to a former vice cop." His good humor was lifting her even through the phone. "How about 7:00?"

"Sounds great. I'll see you then."

Sara put her phone down, looking forward to her evening with Jim. He'd been a good friend and always seemed to know how to cheer her up. And it sure beat sitting alone in her packed up apartment.

Jim showed up at her door on time and they headed to a nearby restaurant that had vegetarian dishes on their menu. Jim kept the conversation light as they drove to the eatery and settled in at their table.

Once the orders had been taken, it was Sara who became serious. "Nick tells me that you've been looking out for Gil?"

"Ah, yeah. It's been rough for him since you left, Cookie."

"I didn't realize how bad things were. We talked on the phone and he always sounded…okay. If I had known, maybe I could have…I don't know, done _something._"

"Look Sara, Gil's a big boy in most areas. But, he hasn't had much experience in matters of the heart and just didn't know how to handle this. I tried to get him to go after you but he kept insisting that you didn't want him there. Just kept saying he wanted you to be happy."

"I did tell him that I didn't want him there. And I meant it but at the same time, I kept hoping he would show up. I really screwed things up; I realize that now. I was just so lost and confused…everything just came crashing in on me."

"Well, you seem to be okay now; are you?"

"I'm…better. I'll be honest, I kind of hoped that Gil and I could pick up the pieces; but he's been hurt too much, I think."

"Well, it was pretty bad. Your coming here, the two of you talking; it seems to have helped. He was really low; I mean…well, Catherine and I were kind of doing a suicide watch. He, um…well, he told her he had considered it that night Elizabeth McDuffie died. And seeing the way he was behaving, I believed he might try something. But then I went with him today to the shrink and when he came out, he seemed better than he has been in weeks. I think maybe he's turning things around."

"Yeah, now that he's finally rid of me…" Sara said sadly.

"No Sara, now that he can finally move on. It was the waiting that was eating him up. You know Gil, he always has to feel like he has some control; he doesn't like chaos and that's what his life felt like to him."

"So I could've come back here and said I'm ready to be together and he would've been okay with that?"

"Yeah, I think he probably would have…until the thing with Elizabeth McDuffie. It scared him, Sara. That night he discovered something in himself that he never knew existed and it scared the hell out of him. Now I really doubt that he'll let himself get close to anyone again anytime soon. He's afraid he'll hurt them."

"Except…he's close to Catherine," she drawled.

"They've been close ever since I've known them. And she told me he was nervous about being alone with her after it first happened. He told her that she should be afraid of him."

"Jim, I just still find it hard to believe that he …did what he says he did with that woman. He's the gentlest soul I've ever known. I just can't imagine…"

"If you'd seen the body…or Doc Robbins' report, you'd have to believe it. There was bruising on her neck and thighs and…"

Sara put up her hand to stop him. "No, please…I don't want to know the details."

"Right. But yeah, the evidence backs up his story except for the rape part. Whatever he did, she was willing and cooperated."

Sara sat shaking her head. "But you say he was better today?"

"Yeah. I think the shrink is helping, if you can imagine that."

"Jim, I thought you had gone to counseling after…traumatic events. Didn't it help you?"

"I suppose it might have," he sighed. "But I'll tell you what helped the most; it was friends like Gil and Catherine…and you and the team. I'll tell you, when I woke up in the hospital and you guys were all out there waiting for me; well, it made the difference. Gil called you my fan club." Jim smiled at the memory. "After Ellie had disappeared, I was kind of feeling low, like 'who gives a shit anyway' kind of low. But there you guys were, so happy to see my sorry ass still in this world. I still have a brother and sister back in Jersey. We still exchange Christmas cards and talk every once in awhile because it's what Mom would have wanted, but…you guys are my family. Gil feels the same way. Right now, the guys are over at his place, trying to be there for him like he's been there for them. We're all friends; but when you've been through the shit that we've all been through together, it's more than that."

"Yeah," she said reflectively. "I miss that."

"You don't have too. Sometimes the kids move away, you know. But they are still part of the family."

"But…"

"But nothing. We're as close as you want us to be Sara. You're the one that kept us away, remember? We're here for you, whenever…"

She looked into his gunmetal blue eyes and saw the love, a fatherly kind of expression, and knew that he meant what he was saying. "Thanks Jim. I'll remember that and stay in better touch. Maybe I'll even visit sometimes."

"Hey, I've got a spare room at my place. You're always welcome."

Meanwhile at Grissom's, the guys had arrived and they were all digging into the Mexican feast. Greg had brought tequila and they were trading shots. "Hey don't you guys have to go to work or something?" Gil asked, somewhat surprised by the amount of alcohol that was being consumed.

"Aw, you're just jealous 'cause you can't imbibe with us," taunted Greg, a goofy grin across his face. "All those meds and all…"

Gil had to admit that the youngest CSI had a point. Right now, getting toasted seemed attractive.

"We'll be okay, Gris…really," Nick assured him. "I promise," he giggled.

"Yeah…couple coughs of cuppee and we'll be fine," drawled Warrick.

Gil's mouth hung open as he realized the effect the shots were having on his team. Then Warrick started laughing. "Relax man, I did that on purpose just to see the look on your face." At that point the other two started laughing too.

"You should see your face, Gris," laughed Nick. "But seriously, we cut the tequila. There's hardly any alcohol left in it."

Gil made a pot of coffee anyway and made sure that they loaded up before leaving his place. As he watched them leave, he wanted to go with them. These were 'his guys' and he should be there with them, he thought. _A little more time, _he told himself_. You just need a little more time._

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

What next, you might ask. Well, ...something, but I'm not telling. Not yet anyway. And thank you to those who continue to review; it is truly appreciated.


	32. Chapter 32

Gil had just settled into bed with a forensic journal and Hank to keep him company when he heard knocking at his door. Wondering who it could be, he headed to the living room; shift had started and all of 'his people' were working. Opening the door, he was surprised to see Sara. "Can I come in?"

He stepped back, letting her enter and then closed the door. She stepped towards the sofa and he stood by his chair, at the top of the steps. "I just…well, Jim said you seemed better today and I …well… you sounded so final yesterday."

"Final? Oh…yeah, about us. Yeah."

"Well, before I leave, well…I wanted to be sure. I wanted to ask one more time if maybe… if there's a possibility that we could get back together. I know I screwed everything up but you understand why I had to get away, don't you?"

"Yeah, I understand that you needed a break. We all do sometimes. Look Sara, we've talked about this…"

"Its just that…well, I feel like I'm doing better now; kind of coming to terms with my past and I don't want to lose you…never wanted to lose you."

"When you left, you said good-bye; not see you later or so long…good-bye. It had finality to it and yet I tried to hope. I held onto hope for too long, Sara. It ate me up inside and I still kept hoping. But I was too afraid to ask the right questions; were you ever coming back and if you were, when."

"I'm sorry…" she began.

"I know you are sorry, dammit!" He felt the anger rising in him and tasted bile in the back of his mouth as he was sickened by where his anger might go. Standing next to the chair, he wanted to run, get as far away from her as he could but he knew he needed to stay and finish the conversation. _Just don't let the anger take over; stay calm,_ he told himself. "You are confusing me. You left and said you couldn't come back and now you're here and you didn't want me to follow you but then you said you wanted me to …but then you said you needed time and I tried to give you time and well, time kept passing and nothing. And you got a new job and you seem happy but here you are and…you are confusing. Besides, as I told you, I am not ready to leave my career."_ Calm…stay calm…_

She stood looking at him with sad eyes but he could see that she was thinking. Maybe she finally understood him; maybe she finally realized that he had changed. _Stay calm_, he repeated._ Don't get angry…_

But that's not what she was thinking at all. She was thinking that she had one last desperate card to play and now was the time. She took a step toward him. "Well, I just spent the day thinking and then I had dinner with Jim. I understand if you don't want to…well, follow me but then maybe, I don't know…I just wanted to remind you about… well, what you are closing the door on," she said meekly.

Gil looked at her puzzled. "Sara, you left me, remember? You closed the door on me. I don't understand…" He stopped dead in the middle of his sentence as she began unbuttoning her blouse. _Oh shit…_

"Just a little something to remember me by, then…" she said coquettishly. "One last night together?"

He swallowed and then gulped as he watched in fascination as each button was freed. He had never denied that he was still attracted to her but he knew if he let her do what she seemed intent on doing, he's be lost forever. Besides, he was already feeling angry; what if… _Calm…stay calm…_Fighting to find his voice, he croaked out a few syllables. "Sara, no…please…"

She smiled seductively at him. _God, I used to love that smile,_ he thought briefly as he tried to collect his resolve. His hands rose about halfway in an attempt to signal stop, but she wasn't paying attention to his hands. Her eyes were on his, inviting.

He shuddered and then began to shake as conflicting thoughts and feelings ran through him. _Oh god….oh my god... .stay calm…think…can't do this…_His mind was saying no but his body was ready to pounce. His physical eagerness frightened him; what if the anger took over as it had with Elizabeth? He began to back up as he spoke. "Please, Sara…no…this scares me. I…" And then he fell, tumbling down, hitting most of the steps on his way until he lay still on the floor below.

Sara cried out and then ran down to kneel beside him. "Gil….oh my god…..Gil, please…."

He wasn't moving. She felt for a pulse and listened for a heartbeat and was relieved to find both. His breathing didn't sound right though and he wasn't waking up. Hurriedly she called 911 and then Jim.

Jim told her that the ambulance would get there before he could so he would meet them at the hospital. "Desert Palm," he told her. "Make sure they take him to Desert Palm."

"Right…."

A few minutes later she heard the rescue team at the door and they immediately went to work on Gil. Within minutes, they had him loaded and on his way to the hospital. Sara followed in her car.

Jim and Catherine met them at the ER. "What's she doing here?" Sara asked Jim as they followed Gil's gurney down the hall. "I called her." He said matter of factly.

Sara was still stinging a little from Catherine's remarks on the phone when she'd been trying to call Gil. She's tried to ignore those feelings when she first got to Vegas, but having Catherine here now really bothered her. "I'm his fiancé," Sara told the medics as Jim and Catherine watched, stunned.

"Not anymore, you're not," Catherine blurted out. "You left, remember?"

Jim tried to calm Catherine and walked her into the hall to separate the two women in Gil Grissom's life. "Catherine, this isn't the time, you know that…"

"Yeah…I know. I'm sorry. It just….really burned me to hear her saying that; after everything she put him through. And what the hell was she doing at his place this late at night anyway?"

"I don't know. But I will find out. And I don't understand how he fell down those steps, either."

Catherine looked at Jim, suspiciously. "You don't think that…"

"She pushed him? No. But…something happened. Gil just doesn't fall down his steps…"

Just then a nurse stepped into the hallway. "He's asking for someone named Catherine…"

Jim gave her a gentle nudge and Catherine bolted through the door. Looking at the doctor's face, she got really nervous. Then she heard Gil whispering, almost delirious. "Cath…I want Catherine….please, get her…." She reached for his hand and felt his fingers tighten on hers. "Thank God," he whispered. His eyes were closed but he was still conscious, although fading.

Watching the scene, Sara began to cry. Standing in the doorway, Jim took it all in and nodded, his suspicions of many years being confirmed; there was something more than friendship between those two. He saw Sara's reaction, gently put his arm around her and lead her from the room.

Catherine held his hand and with her other hand began to stroke his hair. "I'm here, right here, Gil. I'm not going anywhere. Remember, I promised. I promised I'd be here when you were ready…but you have to stay with me. I need you too."

She looked up at the doctor who was looking at an x-ray. _Oh my God, that's his skull. There's bleeding…Oh Gil….please, no…._ The doctor pulled that film down and put up another one. This one was of his chest. _Cracked ribs…okay….painful but not so bad…lungs seem okay…_ That film was replaced by one of his arm. _Ouch, broken just below the elbow. Again, painful but not life threatening. The head is the worst trauma…_

She leaned down and whispered in his ear. "You have to fight Gil. You have to fight back. Don't go passive on me now."

He moaned and then grunted. "Cath?"

"I'm here….right here."

She thought she saw a ghost of a smile flicker at the corners of his mouth. "Cath…."

The doctor looked at her and smiled. "I think the news is good. He has suffered some head trauma but the bleeding seems to be stopping on its own so I don't think surgery is indicated; at least not at this time. If it starts again, that will be a different story. He won't feel like laughing for awhile but in a few weeks, his ribs will be okay. We'll get the arm set and in a couple of months, he'll almost as good as new."

Catherine sighed in relief. "Thank you, doctor. That is good news."

"Okay, we need you to step out for a few minutes while we get him taped back together and then we'll call you back in."

"Sure, okay….I'll be right outside."

Jim was waiting for her. "Nick called; said you dropped everything and ran out the door. He wants to know what they should do."

"Oh, yeah…thanks. "I'll call him. Guess he can be in charge tonight. It's kind of slow anyway." She stepped down the hall to make her call.

Sara approached from the other end. "How is he?"

"I heard the doc saying he'll be okay in time. Has some bleeding in his skull but that seems to be taking care of itself. There are some broken ribs and a broken arm."

Sara let out a long breath. "I….he just kept backing away from me and then suddenly he was tumbling and I couldn't help him."

"What were you doing there, Sara? It was late."

"I…just wanted to give it one more try."

Jim closed his eyes and sighed. "Well, you need to stop trying. He was finally putting the pieces back together. How much more hell does the man have to go through for you? He can't take anymore."

"But we were happy, before…"

Yeah, but that was then…"

Sara watched as Catherine began walking back up the hall. "He seems to have landed okay," Sara commented.

"Maybe, eventually. But those two have been dancing around the issue for years. In the meantime, he's in the hospital, and probably too scared to reach out to anyone for fear he will hurt them; or they will hurt him."

"He called for her."

"Yeah, he did. You're right. So there's your answer, Sara. His happiness lies with someone else now."

Sara looked at him. "He's really going to be okay?"

"Yeah, that's what the doc said."

She turned and walked down the hall, disappearing around the corner. Catherine walked to Jim's side. "Where's she going?"

"Away, I think. She, um…she saw that it was you that Gil wants now."

"Jim, he… we aren't…I've just been there for him through this, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I've known it for years but never said anything to either of you. He's been in love with you forever. And you feel the same way."

Catherine looked at him, startled. "Hey, I'm a detective. It's what I do." he said, "Why do you think I never asked you out? Knew I didn't stand a chance. The chemistry between the two of you…it's always been there. That's why everyone was so surprised when he outed that he loved Sara. Everyone figured it would be you. I knew about them before but still had a hard time believing it."

Just then, a nurse called Catherine back into the room. "We'll move him to ICU for the rest of the night, as a precaution," the doctor told her. "Once we are sure the bleeding has stopped and he hasn't suffered any brain damage, we'll move him to his own room for a day or two and then, if everything goes as planned, he'll be released in a couple of days."

"Thank you," Catherine smiled. "That's great news."

"So you can stay here with him until we move him. Visitation is restricted in ICU, I'm afraid."

"I know, but doctor, he has no living family. Jim and I are the closest thing he has to family."

"Jim's you're husband?"

Catherine chuckled. "He wishes…no, Gil and I are…well, it's nothing official but…"

"Oh, I see. That's why he was calling for you."

"Right. And Jim, well, they are like brothers."

"Okay, well, I'll note that on his chart. You and Jim are family. By the way, I'll need your names."

She gave him their names and watched as he wrote. "Thank you, Doctor?"

"Morrison, Jack Morrison," he replied.

"Well, thank you Dr. Morrison." She smiled at the tall, gentle man. He nodded and headed out of the room, leaving Catherine alone with Gil.

She looked into his worried blue eyes and saw him relax as she came into his line of sight. "I'm still here," she smiled.

His eyes locked onto hers; his expression one of child-like trust that tugged at her heart. _Nothing official, my ass…he's mine now and I'm never letting go…_

_/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\_

_Hmmm... reviews on the last chapter were pretty slim. Maybe this one will spark a little more interest. _


	33. Chapter 33

Nick, Warrick and Greg went to the hospital a soon as their shift had ended. By then, Gil had been moved into ICU and all they could do was stare at him through a glass wall. Jim explained what happened as the three CSIs watched Catherine as she sat with Gil, who was asleep.

"Well, since we can't get in to see him, I'm going to go check on Sara," said Nick.

"I'll go with you," Greg chimed in and the two left. Warrick stayed with Jim for a few minutes and then headed home, promising to come back later in the day.

Jim walked back into the room, uneasy with the feel of it as it reminded him of his own stay in a similar room about three years back. Easing up behind Catherine, he looked at Gil and wondered again about what had happened to make him fall down the steps. And once again, he forced himself to be patient and wait to hear Gil's side of the story.

Catherine glanced up at him, sensing his frustration. "He's going to be okay. That's what we have to concentrate on," she told him.

"I know. I guess its just too many years of being a detective. This doesn't feel right."

"Yeah, well….Sara's not going to hurt him anymore; or at least, if she does, it'll be over my dead body. He still loves her, I know that. And I believe she loves him; but right now she is poison to him."

"Thing that bothers me the most; he seemed to be better after we left the shrink's office. I think he was finally pulling himself together. And now this…"

Nick and Greg found Sara at her apartment. It was obvious that she had been crying. "Sara honey, we came to see how you are doing." Nick said softly.

"Yeah, and it seems you can use a couple of friends," Greg added.

"I didn't mean for him to get hurt. I just wanted to talk one last time; to see if there was any chance left at all. Now I guess I have my answer. He'll never forgive me now."

"Wait, Jim said that he fell down his steps?" Nick said, surprised.

"He did….because he was backing away from me. He told me to stop, even put his hands up…but I kept moving closer. Then he…it was so scary watching him go down." Another sob escaped as she remembered the scene.

"It was an accident, Sara. Grissom knows that," Greg offered to try to comfort her.

"Maybe, but if I hadn't gone there last night, if I hadn't been so insistent…"

"Honey, you needed to try one more time. It was important to both of you to know for sure, one way or the other…" Nick's soft drawl seemed to sooth her. "Look, you want me to talk to him; when he wakes up, I mean? Maybe you could visit him at the hospital before you have to head back…you know, to tell him yourself."

"Yeah, I'd like to…you know, tell him how sorry I am and…to say good-bye. Yeah, I need to say good bye the right way this time, for both of our sakes."

"Okay, I'll clear it then," said Nick.

The two men stayed with her awhile longer until it was obvious that all three needed some sleep. "I'll call you later," Nick said as they were leaving. "I'll get it set up and call you."

"Thanks Nick."

Catherine spent the day in a chair beside Gil's bed. The ICU nurse had tried to get her to leave several times but Jim flashed his badge and told the woman that prying Catherine away would be bad for everyone's health. Finally the woman relented, observing that Gil was resting and not disturbed by the blonde's presence.

Gil was resting. The combination of fatigue and the effects of his pain killers, along with his anti-depression meds, kept him drowsy. Occasionally he would open his eyes and look around, relaxing when he found Catherine. She tried to remain quiet in the chair, standing only when she thought he was deep asleep. But each time she stood, his eyes opened wide and watched her. Jim saw the fear in his eyes whenever she stood up and suggested that Catherine stay close to the bed whenever she got up to stretch. She didn't want to leave the room, but after a few hours surrendered to the need to find a restroom.

Leaning close to his ear, she explained to Gil where she was going and that she would be back in a few minutes. Jim watched his friend as he watched her leave the room. Gil watched the doorway for a few minutes and then turned his head to face Jim. "Jim," he said, his voice gravely and quiet.

"Yeah Gil, you need something?"

"Need to talk to Sara….can you?"

"I'll take care of it," he assured his friend. I'll be sure she comes to see you before she leaves."

"Thanks."

Later Jim was preparing to leave. He needed a few hours sleep before his shift began. Besides, he needed to go by and talk to Sara. Just as he headed out, Nick appeared outside of the ICU. "Hey Jim, how's he doing?"

"Okay, I guess. He's slept most of the day. Only wakes up briefly every now and then…"

"Oh."

"Is there a problem?"

"Well, its just that...Sara wants to see him before she leaves. I was hoping…"

"That's good. He wants to talk to her too. Can you bring her over? I have to get some shut eye before I go to work tonight."

"I'll take care of it. But what about Catherine? Is she going to let Sara near him?"

"Yeah…right." Jim sighed. "Okay, let me go back in and talk to her. If she knows he asked to see Sara, it might go smoother."

"Thanks Jim. I um, well, I'll go get Sara now."

Jim went back and explained to Catherine that Gil had asked to see Sara and that Nick was bringing her to the hospital. He saw the storm clouds gather in her eyes as he spoke.

"He wants to see her? You're sure Jim?"

"When you left the room awhile back, he asked me to arrange it. I think there's something left unsaid between them and he wants to get it done. Its just a hunch, but …"

Catherine began to relax. _Gil wants this. Maybe even needs it to move on…_"Okay, have Nick call me when they get to the hospital. I'll head down to the cafeteria or something and let them have their space; but I don't want to see her. And Nick is to stay close by in case something goes wrong."

"Okay, I'll let him know. And Catherine, I know what this is costing you…"

"If this meeting means he can move on, then it costs me nothing and I stand to gain everything. I just don't want to see him hurt anymore."

"Okay. I'll call Nick and make sure he understands. Call me later and let me know how it went?"

"Sure. And thanks Jim."

Jim headed to the parking lot, pulling his phone out to talk as he went. Catherine resumed her post at Gil's bedside, lightly squeezing his hand to let him know she was back. A small smile worked at his mouth as he squeezed back, still dozing.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Hmmm, wonder what happens next? Feed the monster and find out, lol.


	34. Chapter 34

Nick followed the instructions from Jim, calling Catherine when he and Sara arrived at the hospital. Catherine whispered to Gil that Sara was on her way up and then quietly left.

She stopped by the nurse's station to explain that someone was coming to visit Gil and even though she wasn't on the listed family, it was imperative that she be allowed in. "They are very close," she told the nurse.

"Well, he's doing fine so I see no reason to exclude the visitor. What is her name?"

"Sidle, Sara Sidle. Nick Stokes will be with her."

"Yes, Mr. Stokes has called to inquire about Mr. Grissom several times."

"Yes well, Nick is a good friend."

Sara and Nick approached the station a few minutes later and the nurse directed them to Gil's room. "Just a few minutes, please," the nurse said. "He really does need his rest."

Sara nodded and headed across the hall with Nick behind her. "I'll wait outside," he told her. "Thanks," she replied as she stepped through the door.

Once inside the room, Sara gasped at the sight of him. Bruises had formed on his face and neck and what she could see of his arms. She could only guess at what other bruises he might have under the covers. The temporary cast on his arm looked awkward, but she supposed that he wouldn't be moving it much anytime soon anyway. The nurse had propped it up and Sara thought it looked uncomfortable, but he seemed to out of it to care. "Gil," she said softly.

His eyes fluttered open and he worked to focus. Turning his head slightly, he looked at her. "You came," he said. His expression almost made Sara back out of the room. There was no smile, nothing that resembled his customary looks in her direction, not even the confusion that had been a part of his looks at her in the years when they were trying to figure things out. Sad resignation wrestled with determination in his features, as well as something that she couldn't quite understand, but it frightened her.

"Yes. I'm here. Nick said Jim told him that you wanted to see me."

"I do. Talking is difficult though, could you move closer so that I don't have to feel like I'm yelling?"

She stepped close to his bed. "Gil, I'm sorry. I should have stopped when you told me to; I just wanted…I was just so…desperate," she sighed.

"That's why I wanted to see you," he grimaced, catching his breath. "It was stupid of me to back away like I did…actually I wanted to run," he stopped for more breaths. "I…everything you said…it was confusing and I got angry. I was afraid…" more short breaths.

"I didn't mean to frighten you," she interjected. "And yes, this is all very confusing."

"I, um….as you, well…as I understood what you were doing, I knew, well …it wasn't a good idea. I'm afraid to be …intimate right now, after Elizabeth. It still worries me that I might…that things might …"

"I didn't realize that it is a continuing concern for you. It was a one time occurrence, I thought."

"It only happened once but," he closed his eyes and took several short breaths. "When I get angry, I'm afraid that I'll lose control like I did that night." Opening his eyes he stared straight into hers. "And I don't want to hurt you; if I did to you what I did to her…"

"So that's why you wanted me to stop?" Her heart was beating rapidly, hope seeping back into her being.

"Well, yes and also because…well," he sighed and then grimaced from the pain the sigh caused. "What we had…our time together, it was beautiful; the most beautiful memories of my life. I didn't want to spoil all of that with some last desperate attempt to recover what we've lost; because it is lost Sara. Somewhere in all the turmoil of your kidnapping and recovery and then finally your leaving, _we_ were lost. We tried to keep it alive with phone calls and e-mails but inside, it was killing me. After that night that I …did what I did with Elizabeth, I knew I had to let it go." He paused again to catch his breath, looking at Sara s the full impact of his words settled on her. "Sara, I'm sorry. It is as much my fault as it is yours. I should have …I don't know….maybe followed you to California or just, maybe if I had asked the right questions from the beginning."

"Questions?"

"Yeah, like why did you, even when you smiled, look so sad after the kidnapping? And, what was it that bothered you so much about those cases? And after you left, I should have asked when or even if you were ever coming back. But I was so caught up in the emotions, something I don't handle well, as you know. And also, I was afraid of the answers, especially if you were ever coming back."

Sara stood next to him, stunned. This was far more of the inner Gil than he had ever expressed in one discussion. Usually it took days to get this much from him. "You were afraid to ask the questions?"

"I was afraid of the answers. As long as I didn't ask, then I could hold onto hope. But then I began to get frustrated and slowly the frustration turned to anger. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry Gil. I realize now what I put you through; that in trying to spare you my insanity I made things worse for you. And I know I was sending mixed messages; it is no wonder that you stayed confused. We were talking but we weren't communicating very well."

"Yes. Sara. I do love you but…"

Sara swallowed at his hesitation. She knew the final nail was being driven into the coffin of their relationship. "But?"

"You seem to be healing, seem to have found some answers in San Francisco. Apparently I have some issues that have only just now surfaced, serious ones that need to be addressed. I need to heal also. Something inside of me broke, Sara; and as I began to put the pieces together, I think I have changed. I'm glad you came back, that we have a chance to say a proper good bye. I'll always love you Sara, for the joy you brought into my life; but it seems that time has passed. And the love I feel now isn't what I felt then."

Tears trickled out of her eyes as she heard the finality in his words and saw it in his eyes. "I'll always love you too. You're the first, best love of my life."

"The first, perhaps; but I wish for someone better for you. Someone…" he paused as his eyes travelled past her to look at Nick through the glass wall. "Someone who perhaps can help you bridge the missing pieces, someone who can step outside of himself and fill those gaps with love, the love you deserve; a knight that can travel with you across the scary moat, instead of hesitating half way."

Sara frowned at his preoccupation with something in the hall until she turned and saw who he was looking at. Her mouth fell open as she turned back to Gil and saw him staring knowingly at her. "He loves you too, Sara. But he knew you wanted me, so he kept quiet. I know this because I've watched him around you, around us."

She tilted her head and smirked at him. "How can you know it?"

"I'm very good at observing other people and their interactions. I'm just terrible about my own stuff."

"And Catherine?"

"What about her?"

"She seems…well, things seem to be moving past just friendship for her."

"Catherine's friendship is the one solid thing in my life right now. I can't lose it. Anything beyond that is…well, a gamble. I can't afford to gamble." His demeanor changed and Sara swore to herself that she could hear a door slam somewhere. His relationship with Catherine was not open to discussion. The walls that he had let down to let her in were now swiftly being rebuilt to keep Sara out. He glanced at the door and Sara knew immediately what he wanted her to leave. Their time had passed and he was ready to move on.

"Well, okay. I guess…this is good-bye, then. But we can still stay in touch, right? I mean, you'll let me know when you get out of the hospital. And I can still tell you about my job?"

"I want us to remain friends, but for now distant friends. So yes, e-mails and an occasional phone call…and in time, I hope it will get easier for both of us."

"Yes, in time…well then, good-bye Gil."

She saw a tear sitting in the corner of his eye. This was harder than he was letting on. "Good-bye Sara."

"A hug, just for luck?"

He nodded, swallowing and blinking. She leaned down and carefully hugged him, not wanting to put pressure on him and causing physical as well as emotional pain. "I'll always love you," she whispered and then she turned and hurried out of the door. He watched as Nick fell into step behind her and followed her down the hall. What he didn't see was her collapse as she reached the elevator and Nick catching her and supporting her as they stepped inside.

"You gonna be okay, Sara?" Nick asked when they were safely inside.

"Yeah, I will. It was just…it was hard. But I think…it seems everything has been said."

"Okay," he gulped as he pulled her to him in a snug hug. He held her as she relaxed into him and they rode that way to the ground floor.

Catherine had been standing down the hall and did see. As the elevator doors closed, she headed towards Gil's room. She stood in the doorway and watched as he stared out the window, using his good hand to wipe away the tears. She walked over to his bed and touched his shoulder. He turned his glistening eyes towards her and she could see his anguish. "Gil, are you sure that this is the way you want it? I can go get her…bring her back…"

"No, let her go. If she came back, if we tried again, it would only be a shadow of what we had, I don't want to live in a shadow. I just need time to…grieve what was lost."

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Thanks to those who fed the monster! I tried to post this last night but the silly server wouldn't help me. Things seem okay now, though. Hope you enjoy!


	35. Chapter 35

Many, many thanks to those who have continued to provide constructive comments that have helped me hone Gil's state of mind, especially TiaRat, who has prodded me to get it right. This one is winding down although it isn't quite finished. I hope you all will continue to offer comments and suggestions until the very end.

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It was Jim that took Gil home from the hospital. Getting in and out of the car had been difficult for Gil, but the steps at his place were painful and Jim grimaced as he watched his friend negotiate them. Once they made it to the bottom, Jim helped Gil to a chair, where he sat, pale and nauseated from the pain. Jim took his bag into the bedroom and reappeared with the small bag of meds from the hospital. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Gil answered, still trying to breath. "Just need a couple more minutes..."

Jim knew it was the ribs causing the problem. He knew from his own experience how painful they could be. _Hell, just breathing hurts…_ "You won't feel like too many trips up and down for a few days, so make a grocery list and we'll see that you have what you need."

"Yeah, thanks…"

"You want me to get Hank?"

"Ah, no. I can't take care of him yet; you know, walk him and all…"

"Won't have to. Everybody has signed up for turns."

"What?"

"Yeah, Hodges actually thought of it. There is a schedule for people to stop by and check on you."

"No, oh no….Jim, please…call it off."

Jim chuckled. "Not a problem. Catherine already took care of it. She knew you wouldn't like so many people intruding; not to mention Hodges escalating his stalking by showing up here."

"Good," Gil answered with relief.

"But Catherine and I do have plans to be sure you are covered. So, I'll go pick up some groceries and then get Hank."

"Okay. And Jim…thanks."

Jim waved him off and headed back up the steps. "Catherine said she'd be by in another hour or so. I shouldn't be much longer than that."

"I'll be okay; probably going to stretch out…"

Gil was awakened by the feel of Hank bounding into the bed. Jim managed to get to him before the dog actually assaulted Gil with licks and slobber, but the motion of his body on the bed sent waves of pain through Gil's ribcage. Once Jim had pulled the dog back, Gil eased himself up and then nodded for Jim to release the dog. Hank bounded back onto the bed, licking Gil. "It's okay boy, I've already had a bath today," Gil smiled as he petted the beast.

Catherine stood in the doorway to his bedroom, chuckling. "I know one creature that is very happy to see you home."

"Yeah," Gil smiled. "Sorry about falling asleep but the trip home took a lot out of me, I guess."

"Understandable," she grinned. "No harm."

Jim looked between the two and grinned. "Well, if you two have things under control, I'm going to head back to my place. Need some beauty sleep before my shift."

"Yeah, we're okay," Catherine assured him. "Thanks Jim," she said as he left.

Gil looked across Hank's head to Catherine standing on the other side of the room. "So now what?"

"Up to you. Do you need more rest? Or I can fix us something to eat…"

"I'm not really hungry."

"Me either, actually."

Gil looked at her, wanting to say so much but unable to say anything at all. As she watched various expressions play across his face, she realized he was stuck. Easing her way towards him, she sat on the end of the bed. "So, you glad to be out of the hospital?"

"Yeah, I think so…but it hurt like hell getting here."

They sat quietly for a few minutes and then Gil began to talk. "Cath…" She looked at him with such wide, expectant eyes that it gripped his heart. "That night…I didn't…Sara just showed up."

"I know."

"And at the hospital…I needed to tell her…something." This was harder than he thought it would be. "I needed to let her know that I didn't blame her for what happened. She…well…I backed away from her; that's why I feel down the steps."

"Okay," she said calmly.

"I just thought…well, I didn't want her to leave thinking…"

"It's okay Gil. Really, you don't have to explain it to me."

"But I want to. I want everything out in the open; I don't want you to have any doubts…about me and Sara, I mean."

"Gil, you love her. I get it."

"I'm glad you understand it because I'm very confused right now. The only thing I do know is that whatever Sara and I had, it's gone. It died a slow death after she left and now it's gone. A part of me will always love her but…"

"Now maybe you kind of understand why I had such a hard time after I divorced Eddie. You never understood why I still had feelings for him but I did, even though I couldn't live with him anymore."

"Yeah…I think I do." His eyes brightened as he realized she did understand.

"So, you need some time to grieve your loss and figure things out. I know you do. I understand, Gil. I'm here for you as a friend until you are ready for something more. And if you decide there isn't anything more, I'll still be your friend."

He smiled at her, wishing for more now. But he knew it was too soon. He would have to wait to say the words that he wanted to say now. _In time…a little more time…_

"So how about we watch a movie?" She asked.

"Sounds good, but it will have to be on this TV. I'm not up to climbing the steps just yet."

"Okay, have a preference?"

"Nothing that will make me laugh," he smirked.

"Yeah…okay. I'll go pick a couple and you can choose."

She came back a few minutes later after browsing his selection. "I'm going to bring over a stack of movies because copies of Meer Cat Manor just doesn't do it for me. But I did manage to find these two. She held up 'Othello' and 'Manhunter'.

"I'll let you choose, but I don't know if you'll like 'Othello', its Shakespeare.

"I know and I've seen it and I do like it. But I think the guy in Manhunter is a hottie, so I'm choosing that one.

Gil smirked. "A hottie? A guess you like the brooding type?"

"I dunno, he kind of reminds me of you….a younger you, of course."

"No resemblance what so ever, unless you count the beard."

"Whatever…" she replied as she put in the movie. Then she settled in the bed next to him.

They watched the movie, Gil dozing through most of it and as it ended, she curled up next to him to sleep. He woke up sometime later, at first startled by her nearness, but then relaxed and drifted back to sleep, a smile settling over his features.

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Yeah, I know...short. But it is a necessary transition. As always comments are welcome, although I realize there may not be much to say about this one. But you're gonna like the next one!


	36. Chapter 36

_Six months later…._

Catherine Willows sat at Gil Grissom's desk, grumbling. "He knew about his conference for weeks, he could have finished all of this paperwork before he left," she mumbled to an empty room. Deciding that she needed a break, she headed for the break room.

"Oh hey, Nick. You're back? How was San Francisco?"

"It was good, as usual. Sara got a promotion at her place and is really excited."

"That's good to hear. So she's doing okay on her own then?"

"Yeah, but…"

"She's not on her own?"

"Not exactly…"

"Well, Nick Stokes….it's about time. So how official is it?"

"I gave her a ring," he blushed.

"Wait…I mean, I always thought there was something between you two; but if you gave her a ring…I mean, she swore she wouldn't come back to Vegas."

"I um, well, I was going to wait til Gris got back; but…I'm moving there, Catherine. She's happy there and doing so well. I can't upset that. And there was an opening at their lab, so I applied. I start next month."

"Oh," she said sadly. "We'll miss you…a lot! But…I know you'll make us proud over there."

"Yeah, well…it hasn't been the same since, you know…everything with Warrick. And I dunno, the team, well, it just isn't the team anymore. Gris has you and Greg to back him up and some new trainees and he thrives on that. So, I thought the timing was good. And it was the right time for me and Sara too."

"Well, I hate to see you go, but I am happy for you; and Sara too."

"Thanks Catherine. But please, not a word until I can tell Gris?"

"Our secret," she promised.

She made her way to her own desk where the only paper on it was a special delivery envelope. Picking it up, she recognized the familiar handwriting. "Wonder what Gil is sending me…overnight too?"

Opening the package, she found a note with plane tickets to Florida. The note was written on the Perdido Resort stationary, the hotel where he was staying while attending the conference. Opening the note, she read;

_I know this is short notice but there is something here I want to show you. If you can't make it, I'll understand. But please try?_

_Gil_

She grinned. He had timed the plane tickets perfectly with her days off. _Damn, this flight is this afternoon. I'll have to move fast…"_

As soon as the shift ended she drove home and packed. She called her mother to come stay with Lindsey and then headed for the airport. Once she was settled on the plane, she began to wonder what it was he wanted to show her.

They had been closer since everything had happened and he had landed in the hospital. Several references had been made to their feelings towards one another, but it was clear he still needed time to heal. Visits to the psychiatrist became fewer and fewer until now he was going only once a month or if he felt the need, which he hadn't and he had also slowly gotten past the need for meds to help him He seemed to be more and more himself, regaining his confidence. Ecklie had let him go back to work four months ago, at first riding the desk but eventually working his way back into the field. In general, he was being careful to limit his doubles and take better care of himself. He looked healthier and happier than he had since Sara's kidnapping. So, what was he up to now?

Gil stood nervously, waiting for the plane to land. "What if she doesn't come," he asked himself for the thousandth time. _There are a million reasons why she might not make it…don't panic…_ And then he saw her walk through the gate and his worry fell away. His heart jumped into his throat at the sight of her and he knew he had done the right thing by sending her the ticket.

He walked towards her and hugged her tightly as he got to her. "I'm glad you could make it," he said.

"I, um…can tell," she chuckled.

They drove to the resort and he checked her in. "You have the room adjoining mine," he explained.

"You were able to get me a room with the conference going on?"

"The conference ended the day before yesterday," he confessed. "I took a few extra days, thinking it might be good for me to just get away for a couple of days. But I missed you."

They arrived at her room and he opened the door for her. She walked in, setting her carry on bag on the bed. He put her suitcase on the stand. Immediately she spotted the balcony and walked to the door. Following her, he opened it and they stepped onto the balcony. "Oh my," she exclaimed as she took in the view of the Gulf. "It is beautiful."

"Yes, it is. And at night, you can hear the waves coming in; it is very calming."

"The sand is so white," she said, looking at the beach.

"Yeah. From here all the way down Florida's western coast."

Turning, she looked at his smiling face. "So this is what you wanted to show me?"

"No, that'll have to wait until morning. Are you tired or are you up for a walk along the beach?"

"Oh, just give me a few minutes to change…"

"Okay. I'll be in my room. Just knock on the adjoining door when you are ready." He headed to her door and turned, giving her one last smile before he left.

A few minutes later she knocked and he opened the door that joined their rooms. His eyes lit up at the sight of her in her beach attire. Her shorts were…short and her top was…_well, it covers the necessary parts_, he mused. She was wearing a large brimmed straw hat and sunglasses. "Geez, I feel overdressed," he said standing there in his shorts and tee shirt. The shirt wasn't tight fitting but it wasn't his usual baggy style either.

She drank in the sight of him. "You look fine to me, just fine," she said.

They walked hand in hand along the beach, stopping to look out at the Gulf occasionally before looking back at one another. Little was said as they relished this time alone, without the criminal world intruding upon them. They walked the length out to the tip of the key and sat on some rocks there, watching as the fishing boats came into the bay for the night. "There's a restaurant we can go to on the other side of the key. That's where most of these boats are headed. Often they sell their fresh catch to the restaurant."

"Sounds good," Catherine said. "Fresh fish…"

"Yeah, one night I was there and a boat came in with a Marlin. It was huge. As big as any I ever saw in California. And they had this huge tuna too!"

"You're making me hungry."

"Okay, so let's head back and get cleaned up. It's a short drive over there."

They stood up and she began to walk towards the hotel but he caught her arm. Turning around she was caught by his strong gaze. "Cath, honey…I'm really glad you could make it."

"So am I, Gil…very glad."

They walked back to the hotel and headed for their rooms. Dinner was an adventure. The boasts had indeed brought in a fresh fish catch and so there were choices to be made. Gil decided on wahoo while Catherine opted for the snapper. It was early in the dinner hour and so business was still slow. The waiter took a few minutes to chat with the couple. "So where ya'll from?" he asked.

"Las Vegas," Gil answered. "I was here for the forensics conference last week and then asked Catherine to join me for a little vacation."

"Forensics? Isn't that like that show on tv, you know here they're always cutting up dead bodies…"

"Well, kind of," Gil grimaced. We follow the whole trail of evidence, not just the dead bodies."

"Oh, yeah…right. Well, are you enjoying the area so far?"

"It is beautiful," commented Catherine. "I never realized how white the sand would be here and the water…the colors are fantastic."

"Yeah, it's pretty calm now so you get the pretty colors. But when the winds whip up, it gets pretty muddy looking. You folks planning any deep sea fishing?"

"I don't know about fishing, but we might be interested in a charter just to go out and see the gulf." Gil commented.

"Well, the little outfit just down the wharf from us is pretty good and reasonable too. We like them because they bring their extra catch into us. Well, I hope you enjoy your meal at Zeke's," he smiled and then wandered off.

The meal was indeed delicious. "Mmmm," moaned Catherine. "I can tell this fish is fresh."

Gil nodded in agreement as he ate his wahoo. "So you interested in going out on a charter?"

Her face lit up. "Really, you're kidding me? We can do that? I've never been out like that; Lake Meade is as close as I've gotten to being in deep water."

"I take it that is a yes?"

"Are you kidding? Have you ever…oh, of course, when you were in California."

Gil chuckled at her enthusiasm. "Okay, after we finish here, we'll walk down to the charter office."

The man at the office checked his schedule and had time for a four hour charter the next afternoon. "That's perfect," Gil told him. "What time?"

"Can you be here at 2:00?"

"We'll be here," Catherine exclaimed, still excited at the prospect.

They made it back to the hotel after another walk along the beach and Gil followed Catherine into her room. They stood on the balcony for awhile, just watching and listening to the water. "You're right, it is very calming," she told him.

He turned and looked into her glistening eyes. "I have to go to my room now," he said. "We have an early day tomorrow."

"We do?"

"Yes, we have to be up before the sun."

"Oh…do I have to look…"

Gil started laughing. "You may look however you want to look. You'll always be beautiful to me." And then he disappeared through the adjoining door.

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Hmmm, what is Gil up to, I wonder? I checked and the little button is still down there...a little to the left...a little more, yes. There it is, now use it, lol.


	37. Chapter 37

The room was still dark when Catherine heard him tapping at the door. Glancing at the clock, she moaned. "Gil," she whined, "go away…"

"It's time to get up my sleeping beauty," he called through the door. "I've made coffee to entice you."

"You make me get up and you'll be wearing the coffee," she called back at him.

"You'll miss what I brought you here to see," It was his turn to whine.

"Oh, alright," she huffed as she threw the covers off of her and trudged to the door. Opening it, she was struck by the light coming from his side. "Augh…light," she groaned.

"Yes, my lovely, light. And here is your coffee. I suggest you get moving, we have to be downstairs in thirty minutes."

"You're cruel."

"That's me, the Tin Man, no heart…" he chuckled.

She took the coffee he was offering and walked back towards her bed. She heard him call out from the other room, "Don't sit on that bed, you'll lie down and go back to sleep."

Grumbling at him, she put the coffee on the night stand and began rummaging through her bag for clothes. Finding a pair of slacks and a sweater, she began getting dressed. "This better be good," she growled at him through the open doorway.

"I think it is," he said. She could just imagine the smirk on his face.

"What about breakfast?"

"After."

"Gil," she whined.

"You'll be fine. We aren't going far."

Finishing up with dressing she turned her attention to her hair. Looking at it in the mirror, she groaned again and settled for a pony tail. "Do I need make up?"

"No."

"Okay," she said reaching for her coffee again. "I guess I'm ready."

He stepped into the doorway and smiled at her. "Good morning."

"Yeah, right."

"You look…beautiful," he said as he looked her over.

"Nose is getting long, Pinocchio," she teased.

"No, It's the truth," he said stepping towards her. "You…" his eyes travelled around her face, the blue orbs twinkling in the low light. "You take my breath away."

"My, my…you do say the nicest things," she said trying to imitate a Southern Belle.

He offered his arm. "If you're ready, Miss Catherine. Your surprise waits."

They headed down and Catherine was surprised when he turned her toward the exit to the beach. Once they had made it out, he produced a flashlight and used it to light their way to the boardwalk and to the beach. Once there, he turned left and headed into the sand. A few yards ahead, he found their destination. A wooden lounge chair was pointed toward the East. Gil sat with his back against the slats of the backrest and motioned for Catherine to sit in front of him. Then he turned off the flashlight. Wrapping his arms around her, he gently pulled her back toward him until she had snuggled into his chest, his warmth surrounding her. "Okay, so now what?" she asked.

"We wait," he said simply.

"Aren't you afraid I'll go back to sleep?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're curious. And when you get curious, there's no keeping you from finding out…"

She heard the humor in his voice and so accepted his teasing. "True." She settled back into him, comfortable in his arms, and waited. A few minutes later, she began to sense excitement in him. Looking across the beach, she saw the faintest light of dawn beginning to break. "Is this what you brought me out here for?"

"Just wait," he whispered. He tightened his grip on her and leaned into her, relishing the feel of her in his arms. He was nervous but very excited and if things went as he planned, he would have a lot to be excited about. "Just a few more minutes..."

So she waited and she watched and soon the first golden rays of the new day were breaking over the water. And slowly the light fanned out over the gulf. And as the Eastern sky was lit by the golden shafts of light, Gil leaned into her, his mouth just behind her ear. "Every morning since I've been here, I would wake up and watch the sunrise like this. And as beautiful as it is, all I could think of was the way the sun plays in your hair, casting its golden light across your head and illuminating all the vibrant colors in your hair. And I longed to have you here with me, so that I could touch your hair and run my fingers through it, as the sunlight played there." She could feel his fingers in her hair, gently caressing. She closed her eyes and gave into the sensation of him, there, surrounding her and caressing her. And then he began to whisper again. "And as the sun rose and I saw the light play across the water and the sky mingled its color with the blue-green of the water, all I could think of was your eyes and how the color changes from the clearest blue of the sky to a vibrant blue-green that matches any beauty the sea had to offer. And I needed to see them, look into your eyes and see you." He nuzzled into her neck and continued. "And as the warmth of the day began to settle in, I wanted to feel you next to me, with me. I need you, Catherine. And I love you as I've never loved anyone. Just as the sun comes up over the horizon and shines its warmth and light onto the earth, when you walk into a room, you light up my existence. You have since the first day I met you. And the feeling has only grown over the years."

He sat behind her, quiet, but close and she was afraid to move; afraid of breaking the spell that was between them. "And over the past few months, well…I have realized that without you, my life would be very empty. I love you, I need you…" And then she felt him move. His hand reached up for hers and then his other hand came around her side. "The beauty of this is pale when compared to you, but it is all I can offer. Please take it, along with my heart, and keep it safe. Please say that you'll marry me." He was holding a ring. The diamond was stunning and was set in a circle of sapphires. She gasped when she saw it. "Oh Gil, yes" she whispered, too stunned to speak out loud. Carefully he slipped it onto her finger and then kissed her neck, just behind her ear. "Then I am whole again, because you are the better part of me, my heart and my soul."

"More Shakespeare?"

"All Grissom."

She turned and saw love reflected in his eyes. Their kiss was gentle and giving, both knowing that the time for passion would come soon. For this moment, this occasion, they seemed to be unified in desire for closeness, tenderness, willingness to finally give their love acknowledgement. As the kiss ended, Catherine was struck with an impulsive idea. "Let's get married before we go back. We can honeymoon here."

"But the tickets, our jobs…Ecklie."

"I don't care about the tickets or our jobs or Conrad Ecklie. I want to be your wife. I've waited years to tell you I love you and to hear it from you and I've waited months for you, for us to be ready to give our feelings freedom. I don't want to wait a minute longer. We are a part of each other Gil, and I am tired of walking around feeling like a part of me is missing."

His eyes furrowed and he seemed far away for a moment. He felt a tightness in his chest as emotions welled up inside of him and then gratitude washed over him. She had accepted him and wanted him, wanted a life with him so much that she didn't want to wait. Internally he felt himself turning to jelly as he was overcome, not with fear but a sense of belonging. She was willing to give up the things that he believed most women would insist on in preparation for a wedding. She didn't seem to want those things, she only wanted him. Then tears began to form in the corners of his eyes as he looked at her intently, feeling so much happiness. "But there are so many details…" He wanted her to have her special day, a special wedding.

"To hell with the details. We'll work them out later. I want you, all of you and I want to be able to give all of me to you. And I'm selfish, Gil. I don't want to waste another minute on details or what ifs or waiting for everything to be 'right.' I want _us _and I want it now."

He gave her such a strange look that it terrified her. And then, his lips were on hers, tenderly exploring, giving and taking, loving. The kiss was the tenderest and also the most passionate kiss she had ever had, combined into one.

Gil was stunned by her insistence on a quick marriage. He had not anticipated her eagerness. In fact, it had taken all of his courage to ask her at all. He had been convinced that she would be disgusted by his proposal, knowing what she did about him. He was marveling at her acceptance and now she wanted to marry as quickly as possible. What he felt was beyond happiness, beyond ecstasy, beyond his ability to believe. But as he kissed her, he knew he would do whatever she wanted because he had meant what he said. She was his heart and his soul. He was completely hers now, and she was his.

As their lips parted, he looked at her. "You really mean it? You want to get married now?"

"Yes," she said as she nodded eagerly.

"Okay, then let's get back to the hotel. We have some arranging to do."

So they headed back, Gil's brain already in gear, trying to organize the event.

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Okay, probably a little too mushy at the end. But after all that darkness, we need some light, right? Anyway one more chapter! Please review. Did you like Gil's surprise?


	38. Chapter 38

With the Hotel Concierge's help Gil was able to collect all the information required to complete the arrangements. He and Catherine had made the trip to the courthouse, secured the license, found clothes, made arrangements with the florist for a few flowers, arranged for a JP, and changed their return tickets for two days later; all of this was done by lunchtime. Sitting at the restaurant back at the hotel, Gil looked across at Catherine. "Anything else?"

She thought for a moment. "Rings?"

"Oh…right." They finished eating and inquired about nearby jewelers. "You're in luck, the Concierge answered. "As you head to Zeke's, there is a jeweler on the right side of the road, just the other side of the bridge. There also is one in adjacent to the Zeke's parking lot."

They hurried upstairs to change clothes and then Gil brought the car around to meet Catherine and as she hoped into the car, she laughed. "This is going to make one helluva wedding story."

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Hey Cath, have you talked to Lindsey yet? Are you sure you want to do this without her? We could wait a couple of days, you know."

Catherine shrugged. "No, I'll talk to her later…tonight. I'm her mother, not the other way around. To be honest, I'm not sure how she's going to take this, but frankly….I don't care. Well, yes I do, but…she's been so difficult and her best reaction is going to be 'whatever,' and I don't want her sour attitude coloring this moment in our lives. Today is about us, Gil. I'll deal with Lindsey tomorrow."

"If you are sure, but I just thought maybe it would be easier if we flew her here for the ceremony or if we waited until we got back. I don't want you to ever regret…"

"Regret? No, it'll never happen… Lindsey is just going to have to accept it. And I think she will, after the initial volcanic eruption."

Gil reached for hand holding it in his he told her, "Then _we_ will deal with her tomorrow because even though I'm not her father, I will be your husband and what affects you will affect me."

They found rings at the first stop. Gil let Catherine pick and she chose ones that matched. They were simple bands, but hers would go well with her engagement ring, she said. He stood silently by as she made her selections, savoring the excitement and her obvious enthusiasm over marrying him. As they drove to the wharf, she asked Gil where he had gotten the engagement ring. She had assumed he had bought it there.

"No, I've had it for weeks. I've carried it with me trying to find the right time to ask," he replied. She tilted her head and looked thoughtfully at him, marveling at this new bit of information.

They arrived at the wharf, introduced themselves to the JP and everyone boarded the boat. The flowers had arrived an hour earlier and had already been placed onboard. Catherine was awed by the garlands of flowers wrapped around the railings of the boat and hanging from the roof of the canopy. Once everyone was onboard, the Captain revved the engines and they headed into the bay. From there they made their way into the Gulf and turned east to follow the Florida coastline. Captain Bagwell understood that the ceremony had to take place in Florida waters, not Alabama. Finally they came to a spot where the Captain felt comfortable killing the engines and anchoring. "No ships will come along here to upset things," he commented.

Captain Bagwell was talking with Gil while Catherine put some last minute touches on her make up and Gil received some good natured teasing from the Captain and crew. He was beginning to get nervous and really just wanted the ceremony over with. Finally everyone was ready and things began to go quickly with the JP saying all of the usual words and Gil and Catherine making the customary responses. The Captain took some pictures of the happy couple and then they all laughed as some dolphins began to play around the boat, leaping out of the water in celebration.

Captain Bagwell revved the engines and they began to move further into the gulf. He took them out to deep water where they watched more dolphins and saw some Marlin leaping out in the distance. Gil stood with his arms around Catherine, content to watch her as she watched the dolphins. As they continued into the Gulf, they lost the dolphins and Catherine got nervous when she saw some fins in the water and sat in one of the deck chairs, cautiously glancing over the rails at the ominous fins. "Yes ma'm, those are sharks," chuckled the Captain. But we're alright. They don't get too big in these parts. At least not that kind, anyway." Gil chuckled and sat in the chair next to hers, taking her hand in his and holding it , giving her hand a little sqeeze occasionally to remind her that he was there. Catherine was relieved to see the fins disappear as they moved across the Gulf. Finally it was time to turn back towards land. "I took ya'll out a little farther; kind of thought the occasion called for a special cruise. It'll be sunset 'bout the time we get in."

Catherine smiled at the man and thanked him. "No need thanking me, ma'm. It's a privilege to be apart of your special day."

It was indeed sunset as they moved into Perdido Bay. Again Catherine stood excitedly by the rail, taking in the sights and sounds of the water and approaching land. Gil stood next to her, his arm around her waist, taking in the sight and sounds of her. By the time they had docked, it was getting dark. "What would you like for your wedding feast," Gil asked as he tipped the crew and paid the JP.

"I…well, this might sound silly. But…a picnic on the beach? It's been such a wonderful afternoon out on the water and I'm not ready to let go of the feeling yet."

Gil smiled, took her hand, and led her to the car. He stopped before opening the door for her. "I don't think you've properly been kissed, Mrs. Grissom." This kiss was much more intense than the one at the end of the ceremony and even more so than the one on the beach that morning. For Gil, it was confirmation of his dreams coming true. He was kissing the woman he had secretly loved for years but never dared hoped that she could love him too. As his lips covered hers, he gave his feelings free rein and felt a deep stirring as he realized how ardently she was responding.

Back at the hotel, Gil went into the restaurant and ordered some food to go. He also ordered a bottle of wine and some plastic cups. Then they headed to the beach and found a spot away from the lights of the resort and sat on the soft sand. He spread out a towel that Catherine had retrieved from the pool area and they sorted out the various food boxes and began to eat. Gil poured the wine and handed a cup to Catherine. "To the beautiful Mrs. Grissom," he toasted. After a sip he looked at her and commented. "You are very quiet, Cath. Did we forget something?"

"No, its just…its like a fairytale or something. It hardly seems real. I have to keep pinching myself. I mean, the whole day was such total chaos and yet so perfect."

Gil smiled. Kind of like you and me together, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we are so different in some ways. Sometimes you seem like chaos to me and I'm sure there are times when I make no sense to you. And yet, when we are together; its, well ..it is perfect. We compliment each other…fill in the gaps."

Catherine smiled at his comment and then suddenly her demeanor changed and she edged closer to him. Her hand went to one side of his face while her mouth found the other. Trailing soft kisses toward his ear, she whispered, "make love to me Gil. Make love to me here on the beach, under the stars. Make me yours." Her expression left no room for doubt. She wanted him and her patience was running out.

Sometimes Gil the Clueless did understand what was being told to him. This was one of those times. He kissed her, tasting her wine drenched lips and reveling in the sensation of her softness. But as the heat between them intensified, he hesitated. "Gil?" she asked as he pulled away.

"I…" He began as he looked at her. "I don't want to hurt you. I knew, I mean….well, I wanted to marry you so much but I thought I would have time to… well, get used to the idea of…intimacy; to prepare mentally just in case, well…if anything got triggered, But then everything has happened so quickly and here we are and…"

"And your fear is sitting between us?"

"Yes." His eyes were downcast and she could hear him kicking himself in his tone of voice.

"When I was a kid and I rode horses all the time, I was always told that when a horse throws you, you get back up and go for a ride. Take me for a ride, Gil. I'm not afraid. We'll go slowly until you feel ready; after all, we have the rest of our lives…"

Without words, he kissed his bride trying to show her just how much he loved and needed her and in her response he found a joy he had never experienced before. Once he got past his initial hesitation and then a shyness that Catherine found endearing, Gil proved that he could be a very ardent lover. He did go slowly, tasting and taunting her with detailed attention. He was awed by what just touching her so intimately did to him. The part of Gil that was still the reclusive high school geek, still couldn't believe that this beautiful woman was his, so he took his time, cherishing every inch of her, jubilant in the sensory overload that he was experiencing. Everything about her was intoxicating to him as he immersed himself in the feel, taste, smell, and sound of her. But in the back of his mind, he was careful; careful to observe his emotions and test for any signs that the feelings of his experience with Elizabeth might resurface. Slowly he relaxed as he realized that the only similarity between that night and this one was that he was kissing a beautiful woman.

Catherine's exploration of him was equally intense. She wanted him close, to feel his body next to hers. Her hands roamed over his body, at times exploring and at times gripping and clawing in response to what he was doing to her until she sank into the sand and let him take her.

She wasn't surprised to learn that he was a quiet lover, only his heavy breaths and occasional moans disclosing the intensity of his feelings. Catherine, on the other hand, wasn't quiet. Her sighs and moans of pleasure were punctuated by calling his name and praising the deities as his love making lifted her closer to heaven until finally he sent her over the edge, Catherine yelling his name as she went. As she lay on the towel, his wonderfully warm, sweaty body next to hers, she speculated about his obvious skill at pleasing a woman. _Wonder where he learned that? _She asked herself. _It's not like he's ever been a player or anything. _

They stayed out on the beach for a long time after consummating their vows. Gil closed his eyes, intensifying the sounds of the night and of her. He listened in awe to her breathing and her occasional sighs of contentment as they snuggled and caressed. He became light headed as he breathed in the scent of her, the faint fruity smell of her shampoo and the last traces of scent from her perfume. And then there was the smell of her, of them together, the combination of their arousal and satisfaction. He knew that if they were inside, the air would be heavy with the aroma, but out on the beach it blended with all the other odors of the sand and salt air. Finally the air grew too cool and it was time to return to the hotel.

"I should call Lindsey," Catherine said. "It's time to face the music…"

"I hope she won't feel left out."_ …_

"Oh, we'll throw a big party to celebrate. I'll let her help me plan it."

Gil smiled as she pulled out her phone to call. He sat quietly, watching her; still finding it hard to believe that she was his wife. It was almost a year since he'd felt his heart had been ripped out of his chest when Sara left. But during that time, he'd realized that only a part of his heart had gone with her. There had always been a part of him that had been hidden away; a part that he had given to Catherine long ago and in the last year, that part had come into the light. And now he was happy; no clouds, no worries, no darkness. Well, maybe one cloud and if Catherine's expression and tone of voice was any indication, the cloud was a stormy one.

Catherine finished her call and came to the bed, crawled in next to him and snuggled against him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, wanting to hold her. "You had a funny expression on your face while I was on the phone," she said. "What were you thinking about?"

He smiled as he kissed the top of her head. "I was thinking about how much I love you and how lucky I feel and how much brighter life seems for me now."

"Mmmm, me too."

"Honey, I think I probably should take a shower. I feel like I'm getting sand all over the room."

"Yeah, I'll join you."

Smiling at her he asked, "really?"

"One of the perks to being together," she quipped as she got off the bed and headed for the bathroom.

"Oh, I'm really liking this married stuff," he said as he followed her. "I like it a lot." He paused in the doorway as she stripped and stepped into the shower. Turning, she saw him standing there, a lusty smile etched on his face. "What," she grinned?

"I was just thinking about how much I've missed, not having ridden horses before."

She returned his lustful look and reached her hand towards him. "Well, then…come let me give some lessons; although you hardly seem to need any. If the beach was any indication, you are a natural," she chuckled.

He stepped into the shower and immediately began kissing her. Then sighing, he whispered, "I love you Catherine Grissom; promise me you won't ever leave me."

"Are you kidding…wild horses couldn't drag me away," she mumbled as she nibbled at his neck.

"Speaking of wild horses…" he said as his hands began to caress her.

She mumbled something in response but Gil was too engrossed in her body to understand. And later, as they lay in the bed, satiated and drowsy, he smiled in wonder as he watched her dozing. _She knows me, who and what I am and accepts me, even wants me. And the way I feel when I am with her…when she is anywhere near me, I really am home,_ he thought as a few tears fell on his pillow; tears of joy, pure joy.

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Okay this is the end. I hope you enjoyed. The reviews dropped off there at the end, so Ireally don't know what to think about that, but oh well. I tried to be nicer to Sara in this story than I usually am, I hope any GSR shippers that are still reading were pleased with my treatment of her even though she didn't get her man. But then, wait...she did; it just wasn't canon. But I've always thought Snickers could be fun. I had to remain true to my own feelings that PureJoy is a better match, although there are times that it seems like Catherine could devour Gil. He does seem to hold his own with her and in my warped mind, at least, they balance each other. Please do leave one last review and let me know what you think about any of it. And if you haven't done the poll on my profile page, check it out. This is a chance for you GSRs to put your two cents in.

And off to writing my next story...


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